In This Body

Today the preschool class that I work in went on a field trip to the Deanna Rose Childrens Farmstead. It is primarily an autism classroom along with four peer models. It was such a beautiful day here in Kansas City. It has been rainy here for many days, so it was nice to see the sun shining down this morning. We had a really great time! All of the kids were extremely good...no melt downs, no one got hurt, and we had plenty of adults available to help. The kids loved seeing all of the farm animals, and especially enjoyed feeding the goats, but I think the highlight was watching them each take a pony ride. Their little faces just lit up as soon as they sat on the saddle. The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.

I got up again this morning and went walking with my neighbor. The alarm goes off at 4:45am, and boy is it hard to drag myself out of bed, but it is so worth it. I remind myself how energized I feel afterwards. I even came home after work and did some stretching, sit ups, and lifted some weights. My therapy homework for this week was to be more aware of what my body can do, and to tune into how my body feels. Most of the time I try very hard to disconnect myself from my body, and Lord knows, I don't WANT to feel it or have anything to do with it, so this assignment has been tougher than it sounds. It was funny...I tried to exercise with the television off...trying to be aware of my breathing and the way my body felt when it moved, and I almost started to cry. Being in my own skin is actually painful. I had to stop and turn the television on so that I could finish. I'm so used to distancing myself from feelings, especially the feeling of inhabiting my own body. It definitely touched a nerve, but I will keep working on it. Maybe eventually I will even graduate to LOOKING at my body. ARGHHHH!! That is a little ways down the road! I have to keep telling myself that it is okay to take baby steps. Baby steps, and yes, even many steps backwards have gotten me this far. I'm just going to enjoy where I am...right here and now.

Possibilities

This weekend went by so fast, but I suppose that they always do. I have felt calm and relaxed for the past few days, and that is such a welcomed feeling from all of the anxiety and dread that has been washing over me for months. I'm determined to hang on to my hopefullness. This will always be the year that I attempted to take my own life, and I never again want to travel to such a dark and lonely place. I really am trying to take each day as it comes, to let go of the past, and not worry so much about what the future holds. I'm beginning to feel a sense of freedom...as if a great weight has been lifted from me, and although that sounds so cliche', it is an apt description.
This school year is winding down, and I'm really getting excited about having the summer off, even though we really don't have any special plans yet. I have this great need for organization and self improvement lately, and summer will give me more free time to devote to those things. Right now, everything feels possible.

A Broken Arm And Other Happenings

My youngest son, Roman, broke his arm this week at basketball practice. He fell on it, so his season has ended prematurely:(. He doesn't seem too down about it though, so that is good. He is a happy-go-lucky kid, and makes me smile daily. His sense of humor is contagious, and he definitely has a zest for living, which also means that he plays hard. This is his second broken bone in less than two years! Having four boys means that life around here is never dull.
This week seemed to fly by, which is a good thing. I'm so ready for this school year to be over, so that I can get to summer. I'm really looking forward to the break. Work went fairly well this week though. I have seen so much improvement in the student that I work with in the morning, and that always makes me feel good. I love the kids, but the adults...not so much.
I had good therapy sessions this week, and we have decided to focus mainly on my body image, which is beyond horrible. We talked through and dissected the Letter To My Body that I wrote, and discussed how the rape affected how I view my body and the betrayal that I felt. It has so much to do with blaming myself, and also the body memories that I have. I often feel physically suffocated by my own body, just as I felt during the rape. It is no wonder that I suffered from severe asthma attacks for weeks after the rape. My assignment for this week is to focus on the positive things that my body does for me, especially focusing on the movements of my body when I exercise. I've been walking in the mornings, but I'm also going to start trying to do some yoga in the evenings to help with getting more in touch with my body. I think that the deep breathing that is incorporated with yoga will also help me to feel more connected to my body.

Well, I think that is all for now. I hope that everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Good Feelings

My pick for winner of American Idol ~Adam Lambert~

I'm just kicking back tonight, getting ready to watch American Idol, and sucking on a grape Tootsie Pop. I've really been in a very good mood so far this week, and my anxiety has decreased quite a bit since last week. No panic attacks, and that has been so nice! It was just last week that I was thinking that my medication wasn't working, and this week I feel great. I got up again this morning and walked with my neighbor, and maybe the exercise in the morning is boosting my mood. I think that it is helping me to start the day with less anxiety. I have therapy tomorrow, and I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. That is certainly a change! My therapist is always saying that eventually I will only have to see her for "tune ups," but to tell you the truth, I have very mixed feelings about that. I'm very attached to my therapist. I have been seeing her for over three years, and I will really miss her when it gets to that point. Listen to me...talking about the end of therapy. I must be feeling good!... and on that note... I think I will end this post:-)

Dear Body...

I read about this exercise on another blog called The Anatomy Of A Survivor, and I thought that it sounded like a good one to try for myself.

A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,
I can find nothing about you

to celebrate
besides my children
and it hurts.
Your betrayal haunts me,
and all of the rage that I feel
is taken out on you.
My silent hunger screams
inside of your skin,
but no matter how empty,
the heavy weight of you
will not let go.
You only remind me to feel ashamed.
Touched and taken with such hate
that I find it hard to love you,
and for that, I am truly sorry.
You have nothing to apologize for.
You should not have to ask
for permission to exist.
I'm still learning to let you
take up the space that you deserve.
The fullness and discomfort that I feel
makes me want to crawl out from under you,
but I will try to stay until...
you become a part of me.

Clarity

There are moments of clarity when I realize that I will no longer be able to hide behind my own self destruction. I will have to give it all up to be able to move on, and that scares the hell out of me. What is on the other side, I do not know, and the unknown is always frightening. I see a glimpse of my shadow reaching towards the light, and I recoil, afraid to be burned. There is the coolness of a gentle kiss on my forehead, the touch of a hand that finds it's way into the dark of my heart, and I do believe for that moment, that I will find my way.

Work Stress

I've been feeling really down and anxious lately, and I'm beginning to wonder if my medication is even working. The anxiety is getting bad, and I have had a few panic attacks in the last week. I know that it mostly has to do with stress at work. At the school that I work at in the morning, I was basically accused of not doing my job. A para that I work with has been saying things that are so untrue, but I was still called into a meeting with two of my supervisors over it. They want to make sure that I'm being a team player. It has really upset me, and makes working at that school very uncomfortable. I don't even know if my supervisors believe it or not, but even the thought that they do causes me so much anxiety. I've never been accused of not doing my job before! Working with adults can be so much more difficult than working with kids with special needs. It's ridiculous really that people can be so petty and mean. I guess it also bothers me to know that someone doesn't like me. I know that not everyone is going to like me, but I try so hard, and I've never done anything that I can think of to make this woman not like me. I know that I shouldn't let things like this get to me so much. Needless to say, this has caused me to feel very anxious. I'm counting down the weeks until the school year is over and summer break is here. I also have to remember that I'm there for the kids, and that is what is ultimately important. Other than that, everything else is good. I'm doing better with food, and even with the stress, I've been able to eat and stay on track. I've only purged once in the past week, and I'm trying so hard not to let the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I think that is the hardest part. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there really was such a thing as recovery?

Twilight Lullaby

Twilight Lullaby

The moon lay floating
like a pearl
against the blue sky ocean
of lucent dreams.
Through the sleepy
half closed gaze
of a star eyed child
the birth of a new world
spinning silent, undiscovered.
Softly, the upturned palms reach,
fingertips transparently gleaming,
before falling against the coolness
of dusky shadows.

Angela Minard 2009©

Trying To Get To The Other Side

I'm really feeling overwhemled with anxiety right now, and I'm not quite sure why. I've been feeling so good and proud about how I've been doing lately, but today isn't going so well. I think that when I'm eating and doing better with food, the feelings seem like too much to handle, and that is when I always seem to fall. Tonight Dave isn't home, and that isn't helping. Maybe I rely on him too much, but I feel lost and afraid when he isn't around. I hate how my emotions are all over the place, and I cannot even name the feelings that I'm having. It just comes out as a tremendous discomfort that feels hard to sit with, and I feel like crawling out of my skin. In therapy we talk about how eating and purging is a choice, and I know that it is. I know that it is my coping skill of choice, and maybe I'm feeling angry about having to give it up. I want to, but I'm also so terrified. I let go a little, and then I have to swim back to safety. I get so tired of myself and all of my fears. I just called my therapist this morning to tell her how well that I did over the weekend, and now I feel like I'm falling apart. I know that I'm not though. I'm just trying to write myself through this anxiety so that I can get to the other side. At least I know that there is another side. I've been there.

I Am What I Am

I Am What I Am

I try on the phrase
"I am what I am"
and long for it to fit.
To wear those words
deep inside my heart.
To be proud and strong
and not afraid
of my own imperfections.
To believe in my own uniqueness
as a gift to this world.
To see beyond a reflection
that tells lies
when I look into every mirror
that I pass.
To love what I hold on the inside,
far beneath this skin that cages
my soul.
To allow myself the freedom
to fly farther than my eyes can see.
To be.

Angela Minard 2009©

Hopeful

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk in therapy about how the eating disorder is not about the food, but we have come to the conclusion in my case that it is somewhat about the food. The food plays a part in the feelings that are attached to it at the very least. We decided that I would try not to eat alone, and that at dinner time I try to be the first one finished so that I'm not sitting at the dinner table all alone. It has really helped me not to purge my dinner, which was becoming a big problem, so I guess this week I had a therapy breakthrough. Isn't that great?! I am feeling very hopeful at the moment.