The Dressing Room Demon

The last time I went to try on clothes, afterwards, I decided to take my own life. A bit drastic, but nevertheless, that is what happened. Anorexia, weight gain, and mirrors do not play well together nicely. That incident was back in January when I desperately needed new clothes to fit my new body. It is now the end of May, and I still have avoided going shopping for new clothes. That is until yesterday afternoon, when my mom came into town from Florida. She was insistent, and I was plain terrified. One of the mistakes that I had made last time, was going alone, but I also didn't want anyone else to see. To see what? My pain, my failure, the sizes that I would have to buy. My reflection in that dressing room to me, was like looking into a fun house mirror, and all that I could feel was shame, horror, and disgust. I cannot even begin to describe the panic that I felt. I knew that I would have to have someone with me to ground me, and that was what my mom did. She was all business, non judgemental, and very gentle and patient with me, and in the end, I walked out with some new clothes. I won't lie...there were a few tears, and the mirror still is a harsh critic, but I somehow managed to conquer the dressing room demon. In the last session with my nutritionist, I was telling her how unhappy I am with my weight and my body, and she said, "I understand that, but can you tolerate it for now?" I wasn't exactly sure of where she was going with that, but now I think that I do. It is about accepting where I am at the moment. Maybe not always liking it, but being present, and the key word for me here is living with it. I am alive, and life is too short to not wear cute clothes!

The Patient

Yesterdays therapy session was really hard. The memories are hard to say out loud...and it hurt so bad. I cried all the way out of the office, all the way to my nutritionist session, all the way through the session, and then all the way home. I talked to my therapist this morning, and she said it sounds like I am grieving, and she is right. I have lost innocence to grieve over.

Therapy and the whole relationship with my therapist is hard for me right now. It is a confusing relationship, and everytime that I think of it being over, I end up in tears. In fact it seems that I end up in tears about most everything lately. Although I know that I still have more work to do, I still really struggle with the whole patient-therapist relationship. She is like a second mother to me. She was the one that I e-mailed when I tried to kill myself. She is the one that I tell all of my secrets to. I trust her with everything that I am. She says that she will never go away, but how can that be true? Someday she will go away, or I will go away, and maybe I am also grieving over that fact. She says that there will come a time when I will be ready to leave, and I just have to trust and believe in that. Anyway...I wrote this poem last night after our session.

The Patient

I walk
outside of your office
and then I fall apart
Pushing the down button
and shivering
in the air conditioned hallway
Sometimes I hate you
for what...
for making me feel, for listening
to all of my secrets
told in the light of day
for the moments
when you've touched my hand
made me ask
and then held me close
Wondering what I am to you
A thought at the end of your day
a check
but that is not the truth
as you flip through your list
of clients
These thoughts would hurt
your feelings
I think
but we are not allowed
no...I
am not allowed
to feel everything
that you make me feel
When do I know
that I can do this without
you.
I can no longer send you these words
I've lost the privilege...
Broken the trust...
because I knew that you would save me
if you could
And now here I am
still reaching out
again.

Angela Minard 2009©

Did I Ever Tell You?...

Did I ever tell you that I was raped by two guys when I was eleven years old? See...it does get easier to say, but never easier to actually know, and feel. It is strange how the memories always come when I least expect them to. I will be having a perfectly fine day, and then WHAM, absolutely blindsided with the pain. Doing laundry, brushing my teeth, cooking dinner, and from out of nowhere it plays like a movie, or flashes like a photograph, and I am trapped once again. I think that it always surprises me that it doesn't go away. That they do not go away, and that my mind always has a way of making me remember. Now I have days of freedom, and I hope that those days will grow into weeks, months, years. I know that I will never forget, but I long for the memories to become cohesive, not bits and pieces that continue to creep out of the shadows of my mind. Yesterday was particularly hard, and I finally just lay down in a chair and fell asleep to escape. Dave asked me how I was a few times, but I still have the hardest time verbalizing what I'm going through. Mostly I'm afraid that it will make the tears come, and I do not want to cry over this anymore.

The Scale

I wrote this poem after a really difficult day. I think that sometimes the eating disorder talks me into believeing that the smaller I become, the less pain and hurt I will feel. I have to remember that although engaging in ED behaviors does numb my emotions, it also numbs the good feelings, and I do not want to go back to that.

The Scale

Weighing the choices
in each hand
always weighing...
always measuring...

I taste the hunger
rancid on my tongue.
A bitter longing to return
to the gnawing emptiness
that throbs behind my eyes.
Believing that the pain
will disappear
if I disappear

Angela Minard 2009©

Just A Few Pounds

Ahhhh, I'm really struggling today. I look at pictures of myself now, and I look so fat compared to old pictures of myself, and I like the old pictures better. Such shallow thoughts...but still it is hard, and I can't stop crying right now. My therapist asked me some questions the other day when I told her that I was feeling fat and hating my body. She asked me if I was happy, and I said yes. She asked me if I thought I was a better wife and mother now, and I said yes. Then she said, " Maybe that is worth feeling fat sometimes." I'm not happy at this moment, and I just have to believe that it will pass, and that I will learn to accept who and where I am now. At this moment, I'm on the all yogurt diet, until I can lose some weight. I know that is my eating disorder talking, but I feel as if I have to have some control, and for now, it is making me feel better. For now, I just want to feel better. Maybe I will make an emergency call to my nutritionist, and she can help me through this. I feel so alone right now. I tell myself just a few pounds, and it will all be okay...

School's Out

Well, the last day of school has finally arrived, and I'm so excited about my summer off that I can barely contain myself! This past week has been so busy for me. We made it through Christian's graduation, but just barely. It was a frustrating evening. He had a girlfriend over that afternoon, and he took her home and then didn't arrive back until a half hour before he was supposed to be at the school. He got ready, and we were so rushed that we couldn't take pictures before we left. We drove all the way to the school and then Christian realized that he didn't have his gown, so we had to drive all the way back home to get it. Dave and I were about ready to kill him! We made it through though, and now he is officially a high school graduate. He still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm glad that he isn't going away to college yet, because I know that he just isn't ready for that.
All this week, my friend Jackie has been here visiting from Florida. She drove her Harley all the way here, and we had such a good time. She is someone that I actually met through Myspace, and we just connected with each other. She has recovered from an eating disorder, and is such an inspiration to me. When I would think that it was impossible to recover, I would always think of her, and know that it could be done.
Right now, I see the whole summer stretching out before me, and I'm so relieved to be finished with work for awhile. It was a really rough year emotionally, and hard to work through all of it. Going to work the week after my suicide attempt, and then working through months of depression was so difficult. I'm not even sure how I made it, but I'm grateful that I did, and now I'm doing so much better. The depression has lifted, and although the eating disorder still rears it's ugly head, I'm in a good place right now. I'm so ready to enjoy this summer and make the most of it.

Summer Plans

I can't believe that I only have one more week until school is out and I can begin my summer vacation. I'm so ready! Yesterday was a really horrible day at work. I had to restrain an aggressive student, and then in the afternoon, during the pre-schoolers field day, I was chasing a student who darted off, fell on the concrete, and scraped my hand and knee and sprained my ankle. I was really hurting this morning, but my day so far has been much better. I'm just taking lots of ibuprofen!

This is a big weekend around here. My oldest son, Christian is graduating from high school on Sunday. I can't believe that the time for this is actually here. It just blows my mind! Saturday we are having an open house for him, with mostly family, and some of his friends. I think that I have mentioned here before that he is going to the local community college, so he will still be living with us probably for a couple more years, which is fine by me. It just seems too soon to have to be saying goodbye to my boys. I know that before long, it will be just Dave and I alone in this house, and although I am also looking forward to that time, it will be such a dramatic change for us. It really is hard to even imagine.

I have so much to look forward to in the next couple of months. My mom is coming into town at the end of this month, and then at the beginning of June, we are taking a family vacation to Colorado to visit my brother and sister-in-law. We are also going to be stopping in Phoenix, and Dallas to visit friends. It is going to be a busy month. My parents are also going to hopefully come and visit during the 4th of July holiday. I haven't felt this excited about the future in a long time. It is going to be such a fun summer!

Coming Back to life

Words are flying out
like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

The Beatles

I'm not sure why it is that I cry everyday lately. I didn't even cry this much when I was sad and depressed. Amidst the smiles and laughter, the tears come with no warning, and feelings that I can't even name wash over me. I feel good, and that feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I feel as if I'm residing in a foreign place, and that I could get lost at any moment. Maybe we are meant to feel both joy and sorrow at the same time. I've never been more aware of the life that was stolen from me, but also all of the many gifts and blessings that I have been given. Everything about this whole process of recovery is bittersweet, and it is a bit frightening to realize that I have finally run out of places to hide. What is even more amazing to me is that most of the time I no longer wish to hide. I think that many times I cry because I am caring for, nourishing, and nuturing myself, and it catches me by surprise that I'm almost doing this automatically now. I cry for all of the years of self hatred and loathing, but more than anything, I cry because I'm coming back to life, and like the feeling of warmth on your skin after you have been frozen for so long, there is the pain.

This is the Hour of Lead~
Remembered, if outlived,
As freezing persons, recollect the Snow~
First~Chill~then Stupor~then the letting go~

~Emily Dickinson

Freedom And Joy

More than once this weekend, I have found myself dancing around in my kitchen, absolutely filled with joy. I'm not even sure why, and I suppose that is the best part. I have no reasons. I just feel at peace with where I am at the moment. I'm making good choices and decisions, and that really hasn't happened in my life for a very long time. I'm not afraid to go to sleep at night because I fear what the next day will bring. I'm looking forward to the warmth of summer, the sunshine, and spending time with my family. I feel as if I can reach out and touch the changes in my life, and for once, not feel anxiety, apprehension, and worry over what may happen.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in less than two weeks, and I am shocked and amazed at how fast his childhood flew by me. It is going to be an emotional time, but he is going to go to the community college nearby, so it won't be quite as traumatic as him actually moving away. I have some more time to get used to that idea!
I guess that I just feel ready to tackle whatever gets thrown in my path, and that is where the freedom and joy comes in. I used to feel as if life was moving forward without me, but now I'm beginning to feel as if I'm finally ready to go along for the ride.

Jessieh's Face

Jessieh's Face

I see the picture of you
sitting on the bus, and
it is strange...
I've never met you,
and yet...
I know that face
as well as I know my own.
The distant look in your eyes
and only we know where we are
and where we have been.
The straight line of a mouth
chin close to quivering
and the freckles that dance
along the bridge of your nose.
Only we know too well
how to distance ourselves
from the pain
to find another self to be
like slipping into a new dress
a new soul.
I can hear your voice.
I can feel your hand in mine
when all of us are afraid.
When we run from the core
of who we are.
Don't run too far.

Angela Minard 2009©