“This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go.”
~ Marya HornbacherSometimes the feeling of insatiable hunger chokes me, and I do miss the feeling that I could conquer the emptiness. I feel weak for eating, and for being hungry. I hate the hunger. I'm afraid of the hunger, and of needing more than I should have. Tonight I ate dinner, and only hours later, I'm hungry again. It really pisses me off to tell the truth. Eating everytime I'm hungry seems excessive and greedy. I used to be so good at ignoring the grinding of my stomach...of actually enjoying the pain it caused, because I felt I deserved that pain. It blocked out all of the other pain, the memories, and the sadness. Today was one of those days when feeling felt too hard, and I wanted to do everything I knew of to get rid of it. I managed to avoid alcohol because I knew that later the sorrow would knock me over the edge, but there is still my eating disorder...my fall back. Today it is more the intrusive thoughts of wanting to go back, even though I did eat lunch and dinner, and so I worry about tomorrow because right this moment, even though I know I'm hungry, I will not eat, and I'm in the planning stages of not eating tomorrow. And so I ask myself,"What are you avoiding?" "What hurt are you trying to push away?" I come up blank, as if there is a curtain over the truth that I do not want to see. Maybe I will look at it tomorrow, when I'm stronger than today.
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6 Comments:
I truly understand the feelings you are having. I have let my ED get the best of me this week and have paided the price for it. Please take care I have been thinking of you alot lately. TJ
I feel like I could have written this post. Over the last few months I've given in several times when I felt just as you are tonight and the result is that I end up farther away from where I want to be in every aspect of my life. It's not worth it. We have to reorganize our brains such that being bigger is the body that demonstrates strength and commitment to everything else in our lives that is meaningful and *real*. JJ
Some days we are not as strong as others. Your journey is a remarkable one. You give so much. You are worth the work.
This is beautifully vulnerable. I hope that you are going to turn this all into a book someday! Keep asking those hard questions! You are doing excellent work! I love you!
The words "Protect me from what I want" hit me hard. My pain makes me wish I was dead, and I guess this prayer has been running my subconcious for the last 3 years.
John, my heart goes out to you because I've been where you are. I understand wanting to be pain free. I hope you have people you can reach out and talk to when you are feeling like this. Sending good and healing thoughts your way.
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