Conclusions

"I've come to the conclusion that I would rather stop failing at recovery, and just be who I am. I'm tired of fighting the eating disorder."

I said these words to my nutritionist this week, and was surprised at how much I meant them. I want to apologize for the selfishness, and for giving up. I'm sorry. I know I let people down, and maybe I will change my mind. The constant resistance and pushing away the eating disorder is wearing me out. I'm angry at my therapist because I think the assessment forms that she had me fill out sent me over the edge. I know that she wanted to make me honestly look at myself, but all that it did was overwhelm me. If I can let go of the failure, maybe I can live a happy life the way I am, and maybe it won't be such an obsession anymore. When you try so hard to give something up, have you noticed that it is all you can think about? Anyway...that is all for now. It took me all day to figure out how to write this post because I never wanted to disappoint anyone.

I keep trying to write. I come, and then I leave again...

Waging War

Waging War

It is numbers, and comparing
coming up short, and failure
name calling, and bullying
Waging war
Broken, and torn apart
seams splitting open
Mended with trembling fingers
over and over again
Fighting and falling
It is the cold breath of your shadow
hissing in my ear
before the make up kiss
Always sorry, never again
Begging and bargaining
Pleading to live
Picking up what is left of myself
I stand

Angela Minard 2011©

Looking Fear In The Face

Even the plastered on smile that I usually wear falters during these grey winter days, and I find myself moving as if I were in a foggy dream. I often feel like I'm a voyeur in my own life...an audience of one. My therapist calls this depersonalization, or when you feel like you are watching yourself going through the day to day motions without feeling a connection to yourself. She also says that rape survivors will report that they did this during their attack, and that is definitely what I did. It is an effective way to not feel, and I tend to pull out all of my tricks. One night last week, I woke up and thought that someone was in our bedroom, and instead of waking up my husband, I lay there in a frozen state, unable to move or make a sound, watching from somewhere outside of myself. I felt stupid once I realized it was my imagination, but I also realized that my shame about the rape comes from the fact that in my fear, I was rendered powerless, and that somehow in my mind, I let it happen. I know that I was a child, yes, I know all of this, but even as an adult, I'm out of control in the face of fear, and reigning in my emotions gives me some sense of power. Restricting my food also gives me a sense of power, and I'm beginning to see that I need to let go of the fear that is paralyzing me. Why does the first step always have to be so difficult? "Do the thing you think you cannot do!"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."
~Marianne Williamson

Believing In Me

I have this compulsion to write down everything I eat, and when I told my therapist, she said to go ahead if that is what I felt I should do. I didn't expect that response at all! I haven't had some of these thoughts in a long time, and they scare me, but she said that it is good to be scared. I already know this. I'm only scared that I will make the choice not to stop. It never feels like a choice, although I hear that it is. I told Dave today that I believe I'm fat...sorry to use that word, but anyway, he doesn't agree. How can I believe, when I know he would never hurt my feelings by telling me that I am. He can't win...no one can. As early as twelve years old, I was asking my brother the same question. Poor kid! It is also the age at which I started dieting and worrying about food and my body. It makes sense because it was right after being raped that the hatred toward my body began. This has been going on for such a long time, so it feels overwhelming to try to stop. Everyone tells me that they believe I can do it, but how can I when I don't think that I believe it myself. The eating disorder is a huge part of my identity, and I'm afraid of losing myself. I know that there is so much to be gained, but I don't know what that will look or feel like, so it is like staring into the darkness. I'm having too many days of not eating at all, and of course there are repercussions to this. I passed out on Tuesday because my blood pressure was so low, my hands, legs, and feet are cramping up because my potassium is low, and I'm terribly cold all of the time. I've done better with my food intake since Tuesday because losing consciousness really frightened me. I know that I must stop doing this to my body. If that doesn't scare me, what will? Maybe writing down what I eat could be a good thing because it may help me to see that I need to add more food, although I'm scared that it will do just the opposite. I will try and see how it feels. I'm glad that there are people on my side to help me through this, and to believe in me, at least until I can believe in myself.

A Fairytale

A Fairytale

Write me a letter
with your loopy, round words
scrawled in black ink
Forever
Tell me a story
whispered in the darkness
until sleep takes me away
Oh, let's run!
Yes, take me far
Promise the sky
Trace the constellations
above our heads
explain about the stars
Make a wish...
a lovely wish...
Teach me to believe

Angela Minard 2011©

Always A Smile

Always A Smile

Such a pretty package on the outside
wrapped up tight in ribbons
There is always a smile for you
You say it's all better, and look how far
but the inside still feels so dark
An empty, hollow place
where the laughter echoes
within the emptiness of this cage
There is always a smile for you

You say you're fine, and doing alright
but the inside tells another story
Drowning in whispers, hiding the tears
Rip open the paper, untie the bow
underneath the scars will show
You say it will all be okay, and you have to believe
There is always a smile for you

Angela Minard 2011©

Assessment Forms

It has been a very busy week, not counting the two snow days that we had, and I'm thankful for Friday, and a long weekend. My therapy and nutritionist sessions were especially difficult this week, and left me feeling emotionally drained. My therapist is doing a new patient portal on the internet, and she had me go there to fill out some forms. Two of the forms were assessments of eating disordered behavior. It asked questions like what has been your highest and lowest weight, how often do you restrict, do you count calories, etc... I was frustrated as I was filling them out, because my therapist knows most of the information, and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety, although I couldn't really pinpoint why at the time. I wanted to call my therapist because for some reason I was feeling angry about having to complete those forms, but she leaves early on Thursday, and doesn't work on Friday. I went in to see my nutritionist Thursday night, and the first thing she said was that she had talked to my therapist, and they were both concerned about my answers on those forms. I explained to her that I was having a great deal of anxiety over them also. She asked me what it was about them that had bothered me, and it was then that it made me come to the realization that I have a serious eating disorder. I've been in denial for so long, telling myself that it's really not that bad, and that I have control over it. Even when I was in treatment, I couldn't see how bad it really was. All I could see was that there were so many girls much sicker than I was. It is so much easier and less painful to avoid looking at myself. When I re-read through my answers on those forms, I was forced to see just how sick I am. My therapist and nutritionist also could see that I still have so much more work to do. Right now it is overwhelming me, and I need to talk to my therapist because I'm hoping that she will give me the pep talk I need. I feel like a failure, and also like I'm not going to be able to do this. I hate that I'm so negative, but this obsession has taken over my life for so long, taking up huge amounts of space in my brain. The statistics say that once you have passed the ten year mark with an eating disorder, it is more likely that you won't recover. I'm way past the ten year mark, so what are my chances?

Snow Day

It is a glorious snow day! I was so excited when I found out at 5:30 a.m., that I couldn't go back to bed. I love unexpected, happy surprises:) #3 son was awake downstairs when I found out. We both did a little dance and high fived each other. Since then I've been drinking coffee, knitting, and listening to music, with the entire day stretched out before me. I wrote this poem this morning to celebrate the day.

A Celebration Of Snow

The world is still...

pristine...
oh, so white,
and the snowfall seems to swallow
every sound.
There is such peace
in the blanket of silence.
Everything feels like it is moving
in slow motion,
and even my thoughts
are sweet and calm.
The bright flame of a cardinal
is perched on a snow covered branch,
bringing hope.

Angela Minard 2011©

Not Going Back

For some reason, I keep on asking myself, "What would make me feel better?" There has to be something. Let me rephrase that..."What would make me feel better about myself." I'm uncomfortable in my body, hating myself and how I feel. Last night I went out with a friend, and we talked and shared an appetizer. It is good for me to get out, but all I did when I got home was beat myself up over the food. I almost said no when she asked if I wanted to get together for exactly that reason, but I do not want this eating disorder to rule my life. I need to stay connected to people, but when I feel this way inside, I want to hide away, afraid that others will see on the outside what I feel like on the inside. I'm fighting, but why don't I feel better? Maybe that is my frustration. I saw my nutritionist Thursday night, and she pointed out that when I feel so much self hatred, I'm usually stuffing down a lot of anger. She is probably right. I feel as if I'm being suffocated, and anger would make sense. I shy away from exploring it though, because anger has always been so frightening for me. I'm never really sure how to express it, or what the repercussions will be, so I bury it instead. I think that when I want to get out from under the weight of my feelings, I somehow equate that with wanting to be thinner. It is definitely a trick that my mind plays on me. I'm trying not to fall for it.
The other day I came across some pictures that made me sad. It was from 4 summers ago, a year before I went into treatment. I remember back then also thinking that I was disgusting. I was so much thinner, but I didn't feel any different, and definitely not any better about myself. I look at those pictures and I don't like them. Being thinner will not help me feel better. I don't want to go back.

~As happy as I looked, I was not happy at all, and doesn't my head look really big? Not attractive!

Trapped

I've been feeling claustrophobic for the past couple of days. I know that must sound strange, but it is as if I'm trapped inside of myself, and I would like nothing more than to get away. I want to stay present, but there is the pull of wanting some way to numb myself. I promised my therapist that I would not drink at all this month because January is such a hard month for me. I do think it is better if I stay away from alcohol while I'm struggling and feeling the way I do. I'm back to work now, and I needed to get back to my routine, but the time off was much needed. I don't do as well with food when I'm working though. I didn't have much to eat yesterday, and I also skipped dinner. My thoughts were racing around in my head, I felt overwhelmed, and eating seemed like one more thing to make me anxious about. I know that is my #1 way to numb myself. I wish it didn't work so well. My therapist says that I too easily take on the problems of others, on top of my own. I have a friend who is struggling right now, and I want to be there for her to confide in, but I tend to take on others pain as if it were my own. Another thing that is weighing on my mind is that I just found out that one of the girls that I was in treatment with died from anorexia. She was so young, and it is heartbreaking. It also scares me because I know the amount of harm that I have done, and am still doing to my body. Hopefully it will scare me enough to let go of all my eating disordered behaviors.

It Was Only A Song

It Was Only A Song

I gave poems and you gave songs
the words crossing between us
written inside of my heart
I should stop listening to the music
holding on to nothing
You should have never tried
to make me laugh
or given me a reason to rise
as spring drew near
The lyrics said you worried
about losing me
and I was naive...
believing in some sort of forever
only in our minds...
a lovely fantasy
dying with the summer winds
that swept you away

Angela Minard 2011©

The Hours Of Now

The Hours Of Now

Sleepless nights spent wide eyed and weary
with worry over what is to come
What is to become of me?
and what came before the hours of now?
Wishing to take back words
or wanting to say more...
give more...
be more...

Waiting to see the first bright star
before scarlet takes the sky
my mind wandering between here and now
the past and forever
What is unseen and unknown haunts me
almost as much as what is remembered

Dreamless with the dawn
that shimmers on the icy branches
afraid of the cold, grey darkness yet to come
Winter grips my soul, a slow and steady death
wanting to steal the years
like a child who runs from the shadows
in a frenzy to find home

Angela Minard 2011©

Welcoming A New Year

I want to wish everyone who comes to visit me here a Happy New Year!

2010 seemed to fly by, and I definitely had my ups and downs. Last January I was in a very dark place, and spent a week in the hospital. It was my second January in a row that I ended up in the hospital. I'm determined not to go there this year, but I said that last year too. I don't know what it is that gets me so down. The last few days of December were hard due to some family issues that I can't really talk about here. It has made me very sad and filled with worry, and it is also one more thing that I blame myself for. I'm trying not to take it on myself because I know that it doesn't help. To quote Sarah McLachlan, "There is always some reason to not feel good enough." I work on being positive, but it seems there is always something that comes along to knock you down. I have to believe that all I have gone through will make me stronger. I do feel like we will be able to handle this as a family. There is nothing that I can do besides be strong, and I know that I need to be here and healthy for everyone, so that is what I'm going to do. I want this to be a year of healing. I've been working on my eating while I've been on break, and I'm doing better. I've been sitting down more with my family and sharing meals. I even had lunch with the boys today instead of eating my standard protein bar. I honestly don't know if I will be able to keep it up once I go back to work. It is so much easier to eat better when things aren't so rushed. I still struggle with eating in the teachers lounge, but I'm going to try to fit some sort of breakfast into the morning, even if it is a bar or shake. I'm going to continue to try and fight the eating disorder. I really have come such a long way when I look back on it. There was a time when I subsided on one green apple a day, cut up into the thinnest slices possible. Being thin isn't nearly as important as it used to be. I wish I could say at this time that I had no doubts that I will beat this disorder, but they do creep into my mind. I want to live a life free of the torment, and I know that I'm the only one who can make it happen. All I can do is continue to try.