Uncomfortable Feelings

I wonder why it is so easy for me to feel abandoned. It's only a leftover feeling, and yet sometimes it bears down on me, and strange things trigger it. Today it is my husband. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, but he is sick, out of commission, and grumpy, so I feel neglected. These selfish and needy feelings have cropped up a couple of times this week, and I'm acknowledging them although it is uncomfortable to do so. Last week I had a therapy appointment, and midway through my session, my therapist received a phone call, which she took. She told me to go out into the waiting area, where I sat for about twenty minutes. When I went back in, I couldn't even concentrate on what was being said. I walked out of there feeling unimportant and uncared for, although I know that I'm not her only patient, and that sometimes someone else's needs are going to come before mine. I can't always come first, and I know that, but still, I want to feel that I do. That is embarrassing to admit, but there it is. I e-mailed my therapist the next day, and told her how I felt, which is uncharcteristic of me. Usually, I would keep it inside, festering away. She was excited that I could do that, apologized, and we talked about it at my next session. She means a lot to me, so it hurt, and still does a bit. I don't like this side of me because I've always felt that I should put other's needs before my own. Sometimes being honest with myself sucks!

The Mundane

Today I had a sandwich and a half of a bowl of cereal. The half of a bowl of cereal was because for some reason today I felt so guilty about the sandwich. I've been struggling with food for the last two weeks because I feel so full all of the time, emotionally full. Lunch has been mostly non-existent, breakfast always is, although I'm consistent with dinner. We bought stuff so that I could make smoothies, hoping to improve lunch. I'm also feeling physically run down. I'm supposed to go back to my doctor because last time they found white blood cells in my urine(forgive me for talking about urine), but those are not supposed to be there so they want to test it again because they think that my kidneys aren't functioning properly. I'm going to go this week. I'm worried because I've been having symptoms like being itchy and my hands and feet being tingly and numb. Those could also be symptoms of the eating disorder. I'm still always cold, even though I'm at a healthy weight. Anyway...that is enough about my health which must be boring to read.
Today was the first day of summer school. The kids weren't there because we needed to unpack and set up the classroom. I feel like I need a break, but I also want a new computer, and the extra money will pay for that. I wish that I could say that I'm doing it for the kids, but the truth is that the student I'm working with is aggressive, and we have to restrain him almost everyday. I'm tired of it, but oh well...I still will have all of July off, and my mom is coming to visit during that time. Well, that is enough of this mundane post. I hope that everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend:)

Awareness

Today during yoga class, the instructor came over to adjust my pose, and when he touched me, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I always react that way, and it is the one thing about yoga that I don't like. It doesn't matter if it is a male or female instructor, it is just the feeling of discomfort from not inviting the touch, and having no control over it. I wish that I wasn't so noticeably jumpy about it. It is a bit embarrassing, and hopefully eventually I will become more relaxed. When I'm touched, it makes me have to be aware of my body, and we all know how much I love being aware of my body! After years of tuning myself out and being disconnected, the awareness can be intensely painful at times, and yet there are other times when I've never felt so relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I know there will come a time when it doesn't hurt so much, and until then, I'm going to acknowledge and give myself permission to have whatever feelings that I'm feeling. I'm not going to ignore and push aside the bad feelings by using destructive behaviors to numb them away. Those days are slowly but surely dwindling away, allowing my inner light to shine through. One day I will embrace the me that I've always wanted to be.

Goodbye

Getting through this day has been very difficult. It is hard to comprehend that little Jared is gone. I was thankful that I was able to spend the day with so many other people who loved him. We looked at pictures taken throughout the year, and shared our memories of him. My heart goes out to his family. I can only imagine how devastating it must be to lose a child. One of the hardest parts of my job is growing attached, and then having to say goodbye. Tomorrow is the last day of school, and I will have to say my goodbyes. I'm leaving one of my schools, and moving to another. That is nothing new, as I move around a lot in my position, but starting over is rarely easy. I'm pretty shy and soft spoken when it comes to new people and situations, and the beginning of a new year always brings with it a great deal of anxiety. Anyway... I'm going to try not to think about that right now. I always get ahead of myself. I'm so emotionally drained, and if I let it, everything can overwhelm me. Tonight, I'm going to try to rest my mind, and hopefully, tomorrow I can see everything in a different light. At the moment, all that I seem to be staring into is darkness.

Another Lost Angel

I've lost another one of my little autism friends, and I'm heartbroken beyond belief. This is the second little one from this classroom that we have lost this year. He was playing outside this afternoon, and ran away from his parents. They couldn't find him, called the police to help look for him, and found him in a neighbors pool. He was a bright spot, with a brilliant smile, filled with exuberance for life, and spontaneous hugs. Tomorrow is the last day of school, and it will be so hard to walk into that classroom and not see his shining face. His light will be greatly missed.

The Dust Has Settled

There used to be a time when I obsessively kept my house clean. I crawled around on my hands and knees picking up the toys that my toddlers scattered on the floor. They would get a toy out, and as soon as they had moved on, I would put what they had previously been playing with back in its spot. I made myself crazy with it. I cooked gourmet meals, grew my own herbs, living in some pretend Martha Stewart existence. When my kids took a nap I would do hundreds of sit ups in my living room, while watching the food network, tasting the food through osmosis. I planned play dates, trips to the library, and studied everything I could about autism because my second son had been diagnosed at the age of four. I didn't sit still for a moment because if I did, I knew that I would have to face what I did not want to know. Now the dust has settled, and I am still. What does this mean? When did I make the unconscious decision to unleash my demons, turning my life upside down, and shaking me to the very core of my soul. Now here I am in the present, picking up the pieces, and without my rose colored glasses, things sure do look messy, and I'm learning to be okay with that. I ache, and often find myself taking deep breaths to push myself forward. I'm almost 45 years old, half way through my life, and not willing to waste more time. I'm more than enough, and I deserve to take up space in this world. As the title of my blog says, "I am here, I am now."

Positive Changes

I have been practicing yoga for close to three months now, and I can't believe the difference it has made in my life. I look forward to going, and I go almost everyday. It is a huge stress reliever,and I'm beginning to feel better about my body. When I came home from Renfrew, I was at the low end of a healthy weight, and then I gained ten pounds due to some medications. Ten pounds is a lot on someone who is under five feet tall, and I was so unhappy and uncomfortable. Even after I stopped taking those medications, as much as I starved myself, the weight would not come off. It is so strange to me that as soon as I started eating and added exercise, I lost all of the weight. I really believed that I would never be able to eat the way that other people ate. I'm still not quite up to the number of calories that I need, and I'm burning more than I'm taking in, but it is still so much more food than I've eaten in years. When I wasn't eating, the thoughts about food took up so much space in my head. I obsessively planned out what little food I would eat, and would even dream about eating. I try not to let myself get to the point of painful hunger and getting light headed. I don't feel so spaced out and disconnected, and with that comes the presence of emotion. I deal with that without trying to run away. There are still moments of longing, when I desperately want to escape, and those are the times when I do fall back on the eating disorder. I think that I will always have to be aware of that in times of stress. My treatment team is worried right now that the weight loss is not going to taper off and at this point, I have no idea what my weight is going to do. Hopefully I will be able to increase my food intake enough to stay stable, so the work will continue. I'm enjoying where I am at this moment though, and for once, I can say that is good enough. There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to anything, and especially not in recovery. I'm coming to accept that, and I think that is a big part of my battle.

Happy Graduation, Logan!

I cannot believe my second son, Logan is graduating this year. Here are some pictures that a friend of his took. He never lets us take pictures! Happy Graduation, my blue eyed boy!

21 Years

21 years ago today, I was a nervous bride and a mother to be. It was both a frightening and exciting time in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday. I'm blessed to have married my very best friend in the whole world. We have gone through having a child on the autism spectrum, battling a brain tumor, and all of my many issues. This year we have worked so hard on communicating in more productive ways, and we have grown closer than ever. I've struggled with equating loving with also losing, and because of that, I kept a barrier between us. I'm breaking down those walls, and letting him inside. I'm honored to be sharing this journey with him.

Today's Update

Here is an update on my previous post on my test anxiety and work evaluation~ The test went okay. It was better than last years, and although there were two questions that I drew blank on, the rest went well. My evaluation was awesome, so I feel really good about that, and now, I'm just so relieved that it is over, at least until next year!

Test Day

Well, today is my test day. I'm trying not to let my nerves get to me, because I'm good at my job, I know what I'm doing, and a written test is not going to change that. I've studied, and I know the material backward and forward in my mind. If I get confused about the way a question is worded, I'm just going to give all of the information that I know. Can you tell that I've been talking myself through all of this? I have therapy later this afternoon, and I want to talk about how this week has been for me when it comes to my anxiety level. I know it is normal for me to beat myself up like this, and past expeiriences over tests, and what has happened in my past shouldn't dictate my present, and it is me who is letting it. I'm actually going to go home at lunch before my test, and take one of my anti-anxiety medications. I wasn't going to, but I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself, and I think it may help. I will be so relieved when it is over. I also get an evaluation from my supervisors. What a double whammy! Okay... I'm off to start my day. Wish me luck!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I'm overwhelmed, and when I get this way, I tend to spin my wheels, not getting much of anything accomplished. I have a test to take at work on Wednesday, and I've been trying to study for it, but it seems like my brain is made of mush. I can't seem to retain or memorize any of the terms that I need to know, and it has me near tears and feeling very inadequate. I'm getting all worked up and sick over it, which is ridiculous. I never was a very good student, and I've also never considered myself to be all that smart. I get by, and that is about it. It is frustrating because I know the material and how to implement it with a student, but when it comes to putting it on paper, I'm afraid all of the information is going to get mixed up in my brain. It seems there is always something to put me in a tail spin. Sometimes as grateful as I am for everything that I have, I'm really tired of being me.

Shedding The Old Skin

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone else. Once I could pinpoint the reason for my sense of loss, I could slowly release the burden that had been weighing on my heart.
This work week has also been hectic. I've been observing and taking data on some elementary kiddos who are having behavioral issues, on top of working with my regular autism students. I'm overwhelmed with things that I have to do this weekend. I have an end of the year test on nine of the autism modules we have studied this year, I need to write my son a graduation letter, and I also need to write a letter of recommendation for a co-worker. I have a wedding and reception to attend today, so that cuts into my study time. I'm also not a good test taker because I get so anxious, so all of this is weighing on my mind. All that I ask is to get through the last week of this school year in one piece. I will be relieved when I get everything done! I'm going to go and get ready for that wedding now, but I'm wishing all of you a wonderful weekend:)

Summer Plans And Goals

As this school year winds down, it seems that the days get busier, and the kids that I work with are thrown a bit off kilter. Their routines get shaken up, and children with autism don't do well with change most of the time. The next two weeks are going to feel long. I wish that I was going to be off for the entire summer, but I went ahead and signed on to work summer school. My incentive is being able to afford a new laptop. It also gets me up and out of my p.j.'s, instead of lounging the day away. I will have a month of summer where I won't work, and that is still a good break.
I really want to focus this summer on moving my mind and body away from the eating disorder. Yoga has propelled me forward, and I'm improving in so many ways, but there is still so much work to do. The weather is warming up, the yoga clothes, and summer clothes in general are more revealing of my body, and that has made me self conscious and critical of myself. Today was a bad body image day, which I let affect my food intake, and the negative voices ran rampant through my mind. This week hasn't started off well when it comes to food, so I need to get my head back in the game. It is strange the amount of effort I have to put into eating. I know that is hard for people without eating disorders to understand. My hunger cues aren't reliable, and after so many years of restricting, it feels like eating the 3 meals and 2 snacks that I'm supposed to have is a lot of work, and a lot of food. I'm not even up to the snacks yet!
I still have great faith that I will get through all of this, and even the not so good days are steps on my journey.

Mother's Day Love

Wishing a Happy Mother's Day to my mom! I don't know how thrilled she will be that I'm posting a picture of her, but she is beautiful in every way, and I wanted to share her with all of you. As a single parent raising my younger brother and I, she sacrificed so much, making sure that our needs came first. She is encouraging and supportive, valuing our uniqueness. She has always been my biggest advocate and throughout this recovery process, she has been such a comfort to me. I love you, Mom!

This Recovery Thing

Today I graduated to an every other week schedule with my nutritionist instead of a weekly appointment, after 4 years. It has taken me that long to actually feel like I can do this recovery thing. I've finally gotten to the point where I can eat three times a day. For so long, my rule was eating once a day. Rules are hard for me to break, especially the ones I have set up for myself, but each day that I do, it gets that much easier.

I'm doing yoga six days a week, and eating more, and what do you know...I've lost weight! As much as my nutritionist told me that was the way it worked, I could not get myself to believe her. She would tell me that my body was in starvation mode, therefore holding onto everything it could, but all that I could see was that eating equaled weight gain. When I went into treatment I thought that was my proof. I gained weight for eating, and everyone was out to fatten me up. With yoga, I'm so much more present in my body, reveling in what it can actually do. When I don't eat, I can't do yoga, and believe me, I have tried, almost blacking out. It only took me one time to figure that out!

I'm proud of where I am at this moment, so I'm hanging onto that, and not thinking too much about what tomorrow will look like. Well, I won't lie...I am very cautious. I don't want to let my guard down, because I've slipped so many times. Everyday I'm overwhelmed with new feelings, and allowing myself to feel them is bringing me a sense of freedom. Eating is what is bringing these feelings to the surface, and sometimes I fear that the painful feelings will scare me so much that I turn to the eating disorder to make them go away. I've had more flashbacks and dreams of the rape, which my therapist says is normal with re feeding. The dreams and flashbacks are different though. In the dreams I'm like a bystander watching what is happening, and instead of feeling disgust for myself, I want to reach out to that girl and help, only I can't. I'm paralyzed, my limbs heavy, and my mouth so dry that I cannot speak or utter even a sound. I think it means that I now have compassion for the child that I was, but that I realize that I can't really help her. It has already taken place, and nothing can change that fact. The flashbacks are more like watching a movie where the main character is not you. It doesn't feel like it is happening directly to me, but to someone else. I used to relive everything about the rape, down to smells and body memories. They were scary and out of control, but I'm beginning to take back the power over what happens to my body and mind. Powerful stuff, huh? All that I can say is it has been a long time coming!

There Is Forgiveness

I think that I'm in the release stage of my recovery. I think that after I wrote the poem below, there was the realization that yes, I'm here, and all that I've been doing with the eating disorder is screaming to be heard. I go back to the feeling of numbness, because it served a purpose. It was my protection from the rape. I go back there again and again because I think that I can make sense out of something so senseless. There is the child in me with the magical thinking, that believes I can somehow go back and make things different, because you see, Ive always blamed myself. The last line of my poem where I say that I can forgive is not about forgiving them, but about forgiving myself, and letting go of the past. After my dad read this poem, he called and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. I have my own faith, and it is personal and private. I don't think that it is necessary to go to church to have the belief in something greater than myself. When I say that God didn't hear my cries, that was how I felt as a child, but now I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that what I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person. I'm releasing the past, and embracing the present, or at least that is what I'm attempting to do. Some days that is easier than other days, but I'm learning a lot by going through this process. There is expansion and growth. There is forgiveness.