A Haircut Scare

I had my hair cut after work yesterday. The last few times, I have gone to the local beauty school because it is so cheap.(nine bucks!) So anyway, I had a lovely shampoo, like a mini massage really; it was that awesome! I'm all relaxed as I sit down in the chair with my hair dripping down my neck, and I tell the soon to be stylist what I want. Her eyes look very worried as I explain, and then she says, "Wow, I have no idea how to do that haircut, let me go and get my teacher." Yikes, and holy shit!, I think to myself. Maybe I should jump right up and run out to the safety of my car! Luckily, the teacher comes over and says that she loves doing this particular cut, so she does it for me while the "student stylist" watches and learns. I really like it. Short and easy!

It has been beautiful weather the last few days, and I'm starting to feel better. I had a few hours of sleep last night, and even though it wasn't much, I still feel very refreshed. I'm more centered and connected to myself today. It is strange, but when I'm struggling, I feel like I can't breathe. I had severe asthma as a child, and well up into my teens, but it tapered off after I had children. I rarely have problems with it anymore, but suffocating to death is a deep fear of mine. Today I can take a deep breath, and let me tell you, breathing is good!

Little Girl Lost

I had a much needed therapy session this morning. My therapist has been saying for so long, that I need to embrace the little girl that I was when the rape happened. I have had a hard time doing that. Always blaming that little girl. Hating her. I realized today that I dug her grave a long time ago, and have been trying to bury her. I often have nightmares about being buried alive, and a fear of suffocating to death, never recognizing that I was the one who created the fear.


Little Girl Lost

Help me to find
the little girl lost.
For too long
I held my hand
over her mouth.
Concealing her pain
with my deafening silence.
Standing alone in the darkness,
she screams to be heard.
A tear stained face,
covered in soil.
Eyes searching,
heart reaching,
buried alive.
Please...
Forgive me.
I'm sorry.
I promise to try.

Angela Minard 2007

Silence

I feel my own breath being smothered.
My voice silenced as if I were the child
that I can't seem to leave behind.
I can't leave her behind.