We Are Here

Photography by~ Aleksandr Manamis

We are here

at 3:00 a.m.

without words to soothe
 Our wounds oozing 
Sticky, Messy, Gaping Holes

The darkness is not cool against our skin

The shadows do not loom

We are here
Eclipsed

to sit inside our knowing

Without escape

My Wings Are Still Beating

I am having bouts of insomnia this week, and very restless when I do sleep. As a result a couple of people have been less than complimentary about my appearance. Someone actually said that I looked like death warmed over, and another just said that I looked tired. Both were men, of course!
This has been a rough week with the loss of a friend. It is hard not to think about it all of the time, and it has been making me feel like I'm a failure as a person. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good at anything. Work can get me down when a student has a bad day. I often take it on myself. It is difficult not to blame myself, although I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. I have talked here before about how I'm constantly apologizing for things that I really don't have any control over. I'm aware of this, and although what happened this week has been a sort of set back, I'm not allowing it to affect my eating or my yoga practice. I've still been going all week, even though I've been exhausted.
My food intake has been better. I'm allowing myself snacks here and there, and dinner has been consistant. Even with what happened, I'm getting through without taking it out on my body, and that gives me a sense of strength that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Friday we don't have school, so that is going to give me some time to get my haircut, and take an extra yoga class, since on Friday's they don't have any evening classes. This weekend will be busy. Saturday I'm going with my sons choir group, and we are going to Worlds Of Fun, which is an amusement park. I will be responsible for ten Jr. High students. It is supposed to be cold and rainy, but I'm still looking forward to it. Roman says that his friends love me, so that makes me feel good:-) Well, that is all I have to say at the moment. Wishing everyone a lovely weekend.

Unstable

After a sleepless Monday night, yesterday was rough. I felt so wound up, tense, and exhausted that I could barely make it through work. I hadn't eaten all day, and when I did get home from work and actually wanted something to eat, there was nothing in the house. My husband went to the store later, but by then I was past the hunger, so I ended up not eating anything. Food is so hard and complicated right now. I'm rigid in what I will eat, and things that I used to be okay with all of a sudden seem scary. I was at least eating a protein bar for lunch, but now having one seems like too many calories. I feel like I can only eat one item per day, and that would be oatmeal at the moment. I'm on the verge of panic most of the time, and my mind seems to jump all over the place. I can barely hold on to one thought before another one rushes in, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Last night I did get some sleep, but I had a dream that I tried to commit suicide by electrocuting myself. I don't feel suicidal though, so I'm not really worried about it. I'm looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. My therapist has been out of town and I feel a bit lost when she is gone. I rarely talk to her between sessions, but she is one of my safety nets when I'm feeling unstable, and I've definitely not been my best lately. Well, I guess that is all for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.

Night Music

Night Music

I sit here in the darkness,

only the glow of my laptop illuminates the yawning night.
This house hums it's own familiar tune,

one I've listened to on many of my midnight wanderings,

which is all at once comforting and disconcerting.
I feel like I'm the whisper of a ghost,

floating through rooms,

touching what isn't mine.
I return to the thought of being a fraud,

having everything that I don't deserve.
In the expanse of blackness surrounding me,

nothing seems real.
Too many waking hours pass by,

and when the light finally comes,

I've never been so alive.

Angela Minard2011©

Better

Here I am again, sleepless and frustrated. Sometimes I don't mind it if I can't sleep, but tonight it is really getting to me because it is starting to take its toll. I'm tired, but I can't shut down my mind. I go through the day in my head, counting the mistakes that I've made, and it drives me insane. Today it was the fact that I had to stand up in front of my co-workers and lead a discussion group. I got up there and blundered my way through it, with my legs shaking the entire time. Everyone was very supportive, but still I couldn't help feeling scutinized and judged. Logically I know that it is most likely all in my mind, but my emotions override all logic. I'm also already worrying about a test that I have to take in May. It is ridiculous to do this to myself, and yet I don't know what to do to stop it. I have sleep medication, but it doesn't seem to be working as well. I try to do relaxing visualizations while I'm in bed, but still the thoughts creep in.
I want to write about the fact that I'm barely eating...maybe 300 calories a day, if that, but there is really not much to say. I'm determined to lose weight, as if that will make everything else go away. I still have clothes in my closet that are too small, and I obsess over them, the way I obsess over what I'm going to wear each day. My mom and I weeded out some clothes in my closet when I came home from treatment, but I still hung on to quite a bit. I honestly don't want to let go. I see my nutritionist tomorrow, and I don't even know what to talk about. She knows that I'm not doing well with food, but right now I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to change my mind. I will know when I've reached a weight that I'm happy with. All I want is to feel better about myself.

Questioning My Feelings

I'm realizing that I constantly question my own feelings. I ask myself why I'm feeling them instead of acknowledging them and validating them. This morning I felt inexplicably happy, and then immediately asked myself why. In the case of happiness, I think I question so that I can hang on to it, forgetting that there are a myriad of reasons for joy. Pain, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, disappointment...those feelings are all bad in my mind. I label them, squirm away from them, and feel shame that I even have those feelings, especially if some of them are directed toward someone else. I'm going to try to be more aware of this. How many times in treatment and therapy have I heard the phrase, "You need to sit with your feelings." That is difficult for me to do.
I've been a bit manic lately with sleepless nights, and racing thoughts, and then of course questioning again, I wonder if I confuse happiness with the high that comes from a manic phase. I don't have them often anymore. I think for the most part the meds keep me on an even keel.
I'm looking forward to spring so much. We have had a few teasers here and there, and I can't wait to see the crocus, daffodils, and redbuds bloom. Winter always seems so endless, as if there is nothing to look forward to, but spring offers new possibilities, or at least the promise of them. I love the idea of something wonderful waiting right around the corner:)

Masquerade

Maybe sleeping through the night is a thing of the past. I wake up in a panic, as if I have something of great importance to do. It is an elusive feeling. I grasp blindly, but it slips away before I can figure it out. I feel this pressure now that I am home. All of these expectations about who I have become...I'm not there yet, and maybe these are just my own interpretations of who I think everyone else wants me to be. I'm used to wearing a mask to hide my feelings, and that is still difficult for me to let go of. There is this lump in my throat~tears unshed, and I know that soon they will pour out and take everyone by surprise. Not me. I'm expecting them.