No Longer Taking The Blame

I have been packing a lunch to take to work, sometimes I eat breakfast, and I almost always eat dinner. I'm excited about how well I've been doing, and even better, my weight is stable, even though I'm eating more. It is great to know that I'm not gaining, but to be honest, there is a part of me that still wants to lose weight. It is an old thought pattern, and hard to get out of my head, but I'm hoping that eventually I will be content with the weight that I am. I'm not willing to fall back into the pit of starvation. I'm sitting with my emotions, feeling them, squirming away from them, but no longer checking out. Therapy has been going really well. I've been opening up more, and when I saw my trauma therapist on Monday, I was surprised by how much I was able to share. The memories can be so painful, that often times in a session, I find myself drifting away. This week he even commented that he was proud of me for staying present. I'm so grateful for my wonderful treatment team, and a supportive family. Without all of them, I don't think I would be alive right now. I told my therapist this, and she said that I need to begin to take some of the credit for where I am. I struggle with this because I tend to want to blame myself for everything, but I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that none of the abuse was my fault. I don't have to hurt and punish myself anymore, because I did nothing wrong. Having that realization is a great comfort, and with that knowledge comes a bit of the peace that I've been longing for.