Words

I have all of these words and feelings that bubble and rise to the surface. I feel like a volcanoe on the verge of erupting, and yet I don't even know what that means, or what it would look like. I've always had trouble naming the feelings, although I feel them all so intensly. It is major work to keep them bottled inside, and yet that is what I've always done. I try to ignore them and push them away. Everyday I go through a myriad of emotions that pass through me like electric currents without an outlet, and today I feel worn out by them. My sleep is frenzied, as if I'm running with no place to go, a longing to find what is missing. Today I read a blog post by a young girl who was brutally raped and my heart aches for her. I want to reach out, but what words of comfort can I give? The rapist was caught and pleaded guilty. She made the choice to face him in court, and I realize that I have so much unleashed anger, with no one to direct it at, although I don't know that I would be brave enough to do what she is doing.

My mind is skipping, and I want to tell you how grey this week has been. I'm both frustrated and challenged at work as I try to figure out four kids with autism that I'm just getting to know, and trying to train paras who have never worked with children with autism. There are moments of inadequecy and triumph depending on what strategies work or don't work. Any progress made will most likely regress with winter break, and when they come back we will have to begin again. I need this break, a pajama day, and a cookie baking day with Christmas music blaring. Two more days, and it will be mine! I know this post sounds a bit down, and really I'm not, but I needed so much to write these words. I suppose I should talk to actual people more! You know on the outside I'm always doing "fine." Most of the time I'm better than fine, and that feels fabulous! I'm ending this on a positive note, but of course, as always I will return with more words.