Time Is A Wise Teacher

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness. 

Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is still growing. This is not what we were expecting to hear, which brought not only fear, but great disappointment. We have been sitting with this news, both dealing with it in our own ways, as well as beginning to make plans for what this will mean in all of our lives as a family. There are changes and transitions that will have to be made, and it can all become overwhelming if we get too far ahead of ourselves. 

Friday evening, I went to the yoga studio to teach my class, and as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the studio, a wave of peace washed over me. I felt such relief to be able to shift my thoughts to the students in my class, and to simply be present with them. After class, I went to Satsang, which is offered by the owner of the studio. Satsang is an evening that focuses on chanting mantras, healing mudras, and sharing community. The evening was focused on moving energy, manifesting our intentions, and most importantly, finding joy. I could feel the shift within myself as the night came to a close, and I realized the next day what it was that had changed. It wasn't the situation that had changed, but the way in which I chose to look at the situation.  I could allow myself to continue to be paralyzed by my fears of the unknown, creating self destruction through harmful behaviors, or I could choose to see the joy and beauty right in front of me in this very moment. My husband is alive, we have this time together, and it would be wrong not to take advantage of this gift. I am living my dream of teaching yoga, and working with the eating disorder community to help others to heal. I have to trust this journey and the path that I am on, even through doubt and fear. 
Time is such a wise teacher.

Artwork by~ Cassandra Barney

Possibility

My mind has been wandering lately, and I am a gifted daydreamer, if I do say so myself! It wasn't until this week though that I acknowledged what a wonderful and healthy coping skill it is to have. I found myself struggling this week, and through visualizing a safe space, I was able to self soothe and ground myself so that I didn't dissociate. I had moments of dissociation, but it never developed into a full blown episode, and for that, I am grateful. Life is happening, and after so many years of unhealthy coping, the feelings seem to fall like a rain storm. I have my freak out moments! I'm always wanting to know the reasons why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't come up with a reason, then I become frustrated, and tend to want to dismiss the feelings. This is where therapy comes in to really piss me off! I want a reason, dammit! I don't want to accept the feelings without a reason! Yeah, something to work on...

This week has worn me out both mentally and physically. I was sick with the flu last week, and I did take a couple of days off work, but I still pushed myself too hard, and was exhausted this week. On top of that, my husband had a car accident, which was not his fault, and luckily he wasn't hurt, but it is extra stress. I kept thinking to myself, "I cannot lose him!" as if this mantra would protect me, but I was scared...

Dave had an MRI last week to check on his brain tumor, and we see his neurologist this Thursday. He feels like something is not right, but I continue to hold positive thoughts, because nothing else does me any good. This week, I was MIA from the yoga studio, partly because my energy level was the lowest it has been in a long time, and partly because yoga helps me to get in touch with my emotions, so possibly I was avoiding my feelings. Today I subbed a Mommy/Baby yoga class, and a prenatal yoga class. After the prenatal class, a mom who had walked in late to the class came up to me in an emotional state, and I could sense that she wanted to talk, so I moved her into the empty studio. She had tears in her eyes as she explained that she was separated from her husband, and was desperate for physical touch. She asked if I could do some massage, and it was an honor. I was so impressed with her courage to ask for what she needed, and I shared that with her afterward. She said that it had been difficult, but something told her that I was a safe person to ask. Talk about emotions! I hugged her, and at that point I don't know who was helping who, but this is why I love yoga! I came home after that, and I felt drained! I was so tired, but I still had another class to teach, so I headed to the studio. I was signing in students, and a student came in with her adult son, who also happened to be diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. She helped him complete the paper work, and I asked him if he had ever taken a yoga class, to which he replied, "Nope!" They were both in the front row when I walked in, and he followed along beautifully. After class his mom said that for some reason she knew that my class was how she wanted to introduce her son to yoga, even though she had no idea that I worked with the special needs population as my day job. My heart is overflowing right now, and that much emotion, even good emotion, is difficult for me. I guess I'm writing to make sense of it all. I look around at my life, at who I am becoming, and I'm amazed and humbled. I don't know if I should bow down and kiss the earth, throw my arms up with joy, or curl into a fetal position, sobbing into my knees. I will make an attempt to embrace it all...

the pain, 

the fear, 

the joy, 

the peace...

The possibility!!! 

"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life."

~Eckhart Tolle

Your Shoulder

Your Shoulder

If I could close my eyes and sit

with my head resting on your shoulder

in this time and space that is ours

with only our breath

and our words to speak

or to be silent

If I could listen

beyond the chatter of thought

to the memory of your voice
as you let me linger in stillness

trusting that you are here with me

now

and I am always safe
it would no longer be 
a daydream

 Angela Minard 2015©