Here and Now

I haven't posted here lately, although I still write everyday.  I'm feeling more private, and not as open about sharing.  My navigation system is somewhat faulty at times... I slept fitfully last night with nightmares of being held down and trapped.  Those dreams are nothing new, but they often come when I am feeling unsafe in the world.  The senseless massacre in Orlando weighs heavy on my heart.  I was reading the listed names of the victims in a news article this morning while in the waiting room of a car dealership having my car serviced, and when I made it to the last name, I suddenly burst into tears.  The horror hit me right away when the news broke, but it takes time for the reality to sink in.  Real people, with lives, and families, and possibilities, all gunned down... Why?  When tragedies such as this take place, it is a helpless feeling, and of course, it is natural to want the world to make sense.  Ha...

When I teach yoga I am realizing that I don't want to be anyone else  and as a newer teacher  I'm still refining my "voice"   I'm sure that will always be the case as hopefully we are continually growing and changing  I stumble and sometimes I'm surprised with what comes out of my mouth There are moments of WTF did I just say?!!  and times when I say something so profound that even I sit up and take notice  thinking "Wow, I really needed to hear that today!"  It is all okay  because I need to remember that it is not my class anyway I am simply a guide My students teach me so much more than I teach them  When I stumble it is usually because I want the class to be whatever my version of "perfect" is Trying to be perfect never works out to my advantage  We are the one who gets in our own way Last night teaching felt especially satisfying I was at ease and had decided that I would give a...

Your Shoulder If I could close my eyes and sit with my head resting on your shoulder in this time and space that is ours with only our breath and our words to speak or to be silent If I could listen beyond the chatter of thought to the memory of your voice as you let me linger in stillness trusting that you are here with me now and I am always safe it would no longer be  a daydream   Angela Minard 2015©

I'm actually blogging from work today because we are doing nothing productive, and the student that I work with isn't even here. We are having our holiday party, which of course means a ridiculous amount of food. In fact, my co-worker's are already eating and it is only 8:30 a.m. It is stressing me out,so that is why I'm over at the computer blogging instead of eating. I'm really going to eat some this afternoon though, because it would look strange if I didn't. I have so much to do tonight before my parent's get here. I have a lot of cleaning to do because it is so hard to do it during the week, and with the boys, it doesn't stay that way, so why bother. I'm excited though, and have a ton of energy. Maybe the increase in my medication is working too well. My therapist said that I seemed a bit manic at our last session. It was a great session though. We talked about my being hurt that she would drop me over the alcohol thing. She explained again that...

This is the last day of my winter break, and I'm sad about it. I really enjoyed staying home and hanging out with Dave and the boys. I could definitely get used to it, but oh well...back to reality! I think the boys are ready to get back to school, although Roman has been moping around the house all day. We all need to get back to the normal routine. I didn't have any therapy or sessions with my nutritionist for the entire break, and I think that all in all, I did okay. I'm starting to open up more and more with Dave when I'm struggling, so that has helped. I even did well with food over the holidays, with very little restricting. I'm not happy with where my weight is, but then again, when am I ever satisfied with that? I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy, and all that I can do is take it one meal at a time and one day at a time. I'm not sure what to do about the body image issue. I would like it to be better, but I'm not sure what I need to do to ...

Everything You ask of me "What am I to you?" Don't make me say out loud As if only I could shout Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend You keep the panic from creeping up my throat like wayward vines that threaten to choke And in the darkness of my mind your voice finds me softly Soothes me when I fear I've lost my way So, when you ask, "What am I to you?" as I stare silently at the ground Take my hand and feel what I can never say Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend Everything Angela Minard 2008

This week has been filled with peace and contentment, along with sorrow and loss. The peace has come with the beginnings of acceptence and nurturing myself. In therapy, we have been talking about the ways in which I use my eating disorder to communicate. I use it to say,"take care of me, pay attention to me, leave me alone, listen to me..." I thought that it gave me power and control over my life, but all that it really gave me was a place to hide. Peeking out from behind the safety of my fortress, I'm daring myself to take some risks, and learning that my voice alone is strong enough to be heard. Even the sorrow and loss that I have felt has been different. It was different once I could accept it without the secret hope that I could go back and change it. The sadness is part of the past, and has nothing to do with the life that I am presently living, and when I can remind myself of that very basic fact, I am filled with peace.

The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile. Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes. I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight ...