Here and Now

Wilting I reach up to touch my cheek the warmth where your fingers had been... Knowing only my own feelings desperately thirsty  for more My skin must feel like sand crumbling beneath your hands quickly turning to dust  as I walk away Hearing the smile in your voice as you greet someone new I reach up to touch my cheek Angela Minard 2015©

At The Party There was this sudden realization...  My heart immediately jumping into my throat  searching everywhere asking strangers where you were but they did not know you... Perhaps I did not know you after all of this time? You reappeared like magic finding me in a panic sobbing like an abandoned child "I would never leave you." "Don't you know that by now?" Each day I have to believe all over again as if preparing for a devastating loss because I remember what it was like to feel you slipping away  Angela Minard 2015©

I feel so full, and full feels horrible, ugly, and the F word ( FAT ) that is not supposed to be a part of my vocabulary, but that is ridiculous, because it is a word that flies through my mind constantly. My therapist has suggested that I look at what other feelings are present, and being the good patient that I am, I've done just that, and here is what I've come up with. My mom left yesterday, and I know it sounds silly, but I feel like a deserted child. I hate when people leave. Everyone is always leaving me. Even Dave's brain tumor is like the threat of abandonment that hangs over my head like a storm cloud ready to break open at any minute. I was pregnant with my first son before I was married. I know that Dave says that he would have wanted to marry me anyway, but it wasn't the way that I would have liked it to happen. My parents moved to Florida right after we were married, leaving me here with a husband and a new baby. I wasn't sure what in the hell I was do...