Here and Now

  I don’t write here much anymore, but I’m grateful for this space to be myself.  Looking back at this blog is like observing the process of growing up. I think I read somewhere that our emotional growth is stunted at the age that the trauma or traumas occurred, and I feel like when I began this blog in my early 40’s I was emotionally in the stage of adolescence. I was self absorbed, angry, confused, and scared most of the time.  I began therapy in a state of complete denial. I was resistant to help or change, and yet there was this deeply buried sense of self love that I longed to find again. I believe we all begin our lives knowing our worth, but it is fragile and can easily be dismantled. Therapy was my first lifeline, along with people who stuck with me even when I was a royal pain in the ass! Sometimes growing up also means reconnecting to the child inside who forgot how to play and be light. Life is so fucking hard, but now I’m not the one making it difficult. I hav...

Ashes to Ashes How can the heart beat in so many places all at once tiny fire little star Constellations  drowning in a midnight ocean Pulses of light  extinguished billions of years ago Merely a distant echo to be felt from lifetime to lifetime without ever connecting  We illuminate the infinite universe and with a single exhalation dust Angela Minard 2015© Photography by~ Stephanie Dalton Cowan

I'm moved and amazed by how we touch others; how we pass throughout our days unaware of the impact we make,  and how even the simplest of gestures can change the course of a day.  When we are in pain, and filled with despair,  we don't realize how we would be missed.  Imagine believing that our pain was endless... how do we ask someone to stay?  How do we find the will to keep going when all we can see is darkness ahead?  It is difficult for someone who hasn't felt such infinite hopelessness to understand wanting to end your own life.  I lived in silence for so long,  turning away from all that I didn't want to see.  I would awaken each morning, and before I even had a chance to grasp the light,  shame would wash over me, and it took everything I had inside to face the day.  My suicide attempts were planned, and yet also impulsive.  I would obsessively think of ways to end my life,  allo...

I was searching for some old pictures of the boys to post on facebook for "Throwback Thursday." and stumbled across an old picture of myself wearing a bikini. It is ironic since I am planning on a trip to the pool with a friend today. I inhaled sharply, and quickly shuffled past it, but it wasn't fast enough to avoid the blank look on my face, the sharp collar bones, and outline of my ribcage. A friend had taken my picture at the public pool where I spent the summer with the boys. I had already given birth to all of them, and I was wasting away. I would go for days living on apple slices, and taking dozens of laxatives to get rid of everything. I wanted to be clean...empty... Today, I will put on my swim suit. It is not a bikini, although I could wear one if I wanted. My shoulders are strong; no longer sharp and bony. I have curves and more than enough flesh to cover my ribs. There is a light in my eyes, and more importantly, I am alive. I am alive...

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feelin...

Life feels so amazing and beautiful today, as if everything is filled with a golden light. The colors I see seem brighter, my heart flutters like a butterly’s wings, and the world spins around in a whirl of dizzying emotions. I’m a child turning in circles, and then falling down to the ground, the clouds flying above me. Good Things Of The Day~ I went to my youngest son, Roman’s basketball game, and his team won. He played awesome, and I’m proud of him. Watching him out there makes me nervous though. I sit on the edge of my seat, with my hands sweating :-) I have laughed so much with my boys. (I have four) They bring me so much joy.(most of the time) I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. It was nice to talk to her, and update her on all of the boys antics and activities. I also talk to her about my worries and concerns. It feels good to have someone besides my husband who listens and cares. I love you, Mom! I don’t hate my body today. I actually feel comfortable in my own ski...

I'm still on vacation, and enjoying every lazy minute of it. Today I got out of bed at 10:00, and then found myself napping an hour later! It was a wonderful nap though, and I dreamt of biking through a beautiful forest with my husband. Dreams are funny, aren't they? We haven't been on bikes in years, and my husband's biking days are over since the brain tumor, but the dream was soothing, and now I feel very well rested. I'm also grateful to be alive...to dream. Last January, I was in the darkest depression of my life. I look back, and cannot even tell you about the holidays or what I did during that time. I was in a deep pit, and could not find my way out. The only option I could see at the time was to get out. I only wanted an end to the pain, and I had lost my will to fight anymore. After the suicide attempt, it took months before I could see any glimmers of hope and light. There were many moments of anger that I had failed, and I still have guilt about those fee...

Today is my birthday, and I just wanted to say how grateful I am to be alive and loved by so many people. I am truly blessed. Today my co-workers brought in a cake, and everyone there is so sweet, even though I have only known them for a couple of weeks. The group of kids that we work with can put a lot of stress on everyone, so it is nice to be able to get along well with each other. My parents gave me a very generous birthday gift, so now we have a little breathing room when it comes to money. Dave's family has also helped us out recently. I don't know what I would do without my family. My only wish is that they lived closer so that we could spend more time together. This weekend Dave and I are going to have a night out, and then friends are coming over on Saturday. I'm looking forward to some good times! I'm also looking forward to the end of this work week. It sure has been long! Wishing everyone a happy weekend:)

I'm back on the trail, walking with purpose, winding my way again towards the light. I went walking again this morning with my neighbor. Although I like walking alone better, having someone to hold me accountable motivates me to actually get out there and do it. There is a beautiful wooded trail that runs directly behing my house, so it is very convenient to be able to step right outside my back door to get some exercise. I'm already feeling much better, and to be honest, I'm proud of myself for quickly recognizing where I was headed, and doing something about it before it became too dark. Depression has a way of sinking into your bones until you literally become paralyzed, or at least that is how it feels to me, and I refuse to let the rest of this summer slip away from me in that way. There is entirely too much to enjoy and live for. Depression robs you of all the small joys in life that should never be taken for granted. Yesterday I got such a kick out of my two youngest...

Even in the desert, a flower can bloom. I have been thinking quite a bit lately about choices, and how they pertain to the lives we lead. We do not always choose the circumstances in which we find ourselves, but we can choose how we respond to them. We ALL live a life and even though we may have some of the same experiences, or have been a part of the same situations, we are all affected differently. We all have our own story, from our own point of view. We all walk our own path. We all react based on our own internal make-up. We cannot expect another to “ get over something ” or to “ let it go ” because our trials and our tribulations are what make us who we are. Our trials can be used as positive growth or hinder us from moving forward based on what we choose, but moving forward does take time and healing, and no one else can determine the pace at which we heal. Most of the time it is two steps forward, and one step back, and those steps can be frustrating, but ultimately, we choose ...

I can't believe that I only have one more week until school is out and I can begin my summer vacation. I'm so ready! Yesterday was a really horrible day at work. I had to restrain an aggressive student, and then in the afternoon, during the pre-schoolers field day, I was chasing a student who darted off, fell on the concrete, and scraped my hand and knee and sprained my ankle. I was really hurting this morning, but my day so far has been much better. I'm just taking lots of ibuprofen! This is a big weekend around here. My oldest son, Christian is graduating from high school on Sunday. I can't believe that the time for this is actually here. It just blows my mind! Saturday we are having an open house for him, with mostly family, and some of his friends. I think that I have mentioned here before that he is going to the local community college, so he will still be living with us probably for a couple more years, which is fine by me. It just seems too soon to have to be say...

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup They slither while they pass They slip away across the universe Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind Possessing and caressing me The Beatles I'm not sure why it is that I cry everyday lately. I didn't even cry this much when I was sad and depressed. Amidst the smiles and laughter, the tears come with no warning, and feelings that I can't even name wash over me. I feel good, and that feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I feel as if I'm residing in a foreign place, and that I could get lost at any moment. Maybe we are meant to feel both joy and sorrow at the same time. I've never been more aware of the life that was stolen from me, but also all of the many gifts and blessings that I have been given. Everything about this whole process of recovery is bittersweet, and it is a bit frightening to realize that I have finally run out of places to hide. What is even more amazing to me is...

More than once this weekend, I have found myself dancing around in my kitchen, absolutely filled with joy. I'm not even sure why, and I suppose that is the best part. I have no reasons. I just feel at peace with where I am at the moment. I'm making good choices and decisions, and that really hasn't happened in my life for a very long time. I'm not afraid to go to sleep at night because I fear what the next day will bring. I'm looking forward to the warmth of summer, the sunshine, and spending time with my family. I feel as if I can reach out and touch the changes in my life, and for once, not feel anxiety, apprehension, and worry over what may happen. My oldest son will be graduating from high school in less than two weeks, and I am shocked and amazed at how fast his childhood flew by me. It is going to be an emotional time, but he is going to go to the community college nearby, so it won't be quite as traumatic as him actually moving away. I have some more time...

This weekend went by so fast, but I suppose that they always do. I have felt calm and relaxed for the past few days, and that is such a welcomed feeling from all of the anxiety and dread that has been washing over me for months. I'm determined to hang on to my hopefullness. This will always be the year that I attempted to take my own life, and I never again want to travel to such a dark and lonely place. I really am trying to take each day as it comes, to let go of the past, and not worry so much about what the future holds. I'm beginning to feel a sense of freedom...as if a great weight has been lifted from me, and although that sounds so cliche', it is an apt description. This school year is winding down, and I'm really getting excited about having the summer off, even though we really don't have any special plans yet. I have this great need for organization and self improvement lately, and summer will give me more free time to devote to those things. Right now, e...

One of our damaged pear trees. My new HHR, aka Lucy. We are getting a late March snowstorm here in Kansas this afternoon, and sadly, our beautiful blooming pear trees in our front yard are breaking with the weight of the ice and snow. It makes me very sad. A few years back we lost our willow to an ice storm, and now this. We will have a lot of cleaning up to do tomorrow. Hopefully we can do it ourselves, and the city will haul it away, because otherwise it is going to cost us quite a bit of money. Anyway, on to better news...Yesterday I got a new car! The lease on my P.T. Cruiser was up this month, so we bought a cute, candy apple red HHR. It has more room than the Cruiser, and rides really nice. I always like to name my cars, so I have christened this one Lucy, after Lucille Ball...Feisty and red. Other than that, there is not much else going on. Work has been stressful. I'm working with an aggressive student who bites, kicks, hits, screams, scratches, and pinches. I think that co...

I haven't been here lately, I know. I wonder if I mean that literally, and I think, yes...I do. I also feel that I've run out of words for what I'm going through. I'm tormented, yet hopeful... Sad, angry, in love with life, and afraid to live... afraid to feel. Pins and needles raining down and I feel raw and exposed... throbbing with pain, so alive. Every day, I wonder if I can do this, and then, amazingly... I do. I cry more than I ever have in my whole life. I get mad over little things. I don't feel like myself, and then, again, maybe I am finding out who I really am. Complicated, imperfect, filled with love and light, trying to hold on, and not give up... to lift up my soul, and dance.

With Abandon I want to drift through lavender fields. The petals so soft like the fingers of children, laying hands on my face. Bringing their kisses. The sun bursting lips. The warm blush of roses. I want to twirl and spin in the rain The pelting of tears, the pin pricks of pain. Barefoot laughter. Dancing in time, to the dripping rhythm and rhyme. I want to sing. Pounding keys, plucking strings. A melody rising, resounding within. Staccato, fortissimo. The march of my heart. Beating wild... Abandoned... Alive... Angela Minard 2009©

While I'm waiting for the boys to wake up, I thought that I would write about how grateful and blessed I feel. This year I have been on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs. I can't believe that it has been exactly a year since I left the Renfrew treatment center to get help with my eating disorder. I thought that going through treatment was hard, but it was nothing compared to this whole year that I have spent since, trying to recover. Through it all, Dave has been right there beside me. He has never given up on me, even when I pushed him away and made life very difficult. I have the most patient and wonderful husband in the whole world, and I know that without him and our beautiful boys, I would not have had the strength to continue on this journey. That is why I want to thank them for standing by my side, and sometimes holding me up when I am struggling. I'm so blessed to be spending this Christmas at home with my family and friends, and I'm more than gratefu...

If Only If only I could awaken everyday feeling this fine Simply accepting of this life Grateful that it is mine not always grasping for more What is so much different today? Afraid that it will slip quietly into this sparkling sky but still...I will never know why for now I want to be alive Angela Minard 2008©

I refuse to even say the word depressed to myself. I just have the blahs right now. I know why, and I know too, that they will leave if I can only give myself permission to have the feelings instead of trying to talk myself out of them. I had a severe panic attack over the weekend that left me feeling out of control, and I wish that I could have handled things more on my own, without having to need so much help to find my way back. I hate that so often, my automatic reaction to fear is to dissociate. It is frustrating, and I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I just wanted to be able to handle everything while Dave was out of town, and I wasn't quite able to, but it is okay. I'm still doing better, and I hadn't had a dissociative episode in quite awhile. I'm very lucky that I have a great therapist, and wonderful friends to help me, and they were able to pull me out of the darkness. What I hate more than anything is the loss of time and memories. I remember go...