Here and Now

The voices shout their bad advice, and I'm finding it hard not to listen. A wise friend said, "You are only going to relapse if you allow yourself to relapse." I'm in charge. I have choices. I tend to forget that, and the eating disorder is all too happy to take over, stealing my life. Restricting what I eat gives me the comforting illusion of safety. I can't control the brain tumor that is growing inside of my husband, but I can control my own body. The eating disorder numbs all of those scary feelings, and I'm afraid to let it go. I know what I need to do. If I can reach out, letting go of the silence, I can find my voice again. The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!"each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with ...

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack ov...

I'm disconnected, and not thinking clearly, from lack of food most likely. My head aches, and I'm so very tired. Forgive me if this post goes nowhere, and is all over the place. These are the thoughts in my head~ I'm a failure. All that I do is take up space in this world. I'm selfish. I'm shallow ...On and on it goes, until I'm dizzy with self hatred. Will it matter if I can fit into all of the unworn jeans hanging in my closet when I am dead from this disease? I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. Never enough. At the same time, I'm too much and never enough. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel so lonely, and yet I want everyone to leave me alone. I want someone to rescue me, and yet I realize that I can only save myself. I feel too tired to save myself. How can I save someone that I can barely stand? All questions and no answers. I never seem to have the answers, and in the end, this is all that I deserve. I have therapy tomorrow, and right now...

January I'm not sure what made me do it Finally After years of morbid daydreaming Never really contemplating the finality Only the illusion that I would be free Angela Minard 2009©

The Sound Of Your Voice so shrill Never a whisper, no, you always yell How much you hate the reflection of me Making sure that I hear every word you say I've memorized each ugly phrase carved deep into my skin while you hold the knife so lovingly You're not a lover You're not my friend Yet over and over I come back again Losing myself Believing your lies Hands held over my mouth screaming inside I remain nothing but mute Angela Minard 2009©

Nothing But Time Life goes on with nothing new until you say "It's been a dizzy day, I just need to be still." In my dreams I still can hear you screaming in pain and I wonder if the time is now. Now, when this world as I know it, ends. We wait for October and second opinions. Finding comfort in the time we have for doing nothing. Holding the unknown in our idle hands. Angela Minard 2009©

I have been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me, and why I'm so resistant to it. Recovery, and eating a normal amount of food each day means that I stabalize at a weight in which I'm not happy being. How do I learn to be okay with that? For most of my life, I have starved myself. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety when I eat. Right now, with this relapse, I don't have that, and it feels good. I feel like I have some power and control. Is it a false sense of power and control? Yes, I realize that it probably is, but it is hard to want to let go of those feelings, because they are so real to me. I'm still trying to eat dinner with the family. I know how important that is, and it is a way to stay connected when I tend to push everyone away. I want to WANT recovery, but I'm not sure how to do that.

"Are we really going back there? Just let me know, because if we are, I want to be prepared, and I want you to be prepared too, because it is never pretty." My therapist said those words during our session last night, referring to the anorexia. I didn't have an answer for her, and I could feel her frustration with me. It sounds so simple, but I don't know what to do. I want to believe that I am in control of this, and that the eating disorder isn't in charge, but I really do know that's not true. Eating right now feels so hard and I'm not sure why. I'm losing some weight, and that feels good, so it is difficult to make the right choices. The whole weight issue is so confusing. In the past week, I've had one woman ask me if I wanted to join Weight Watcher's with her, and another woman tell me how skinny I am. How do those two conversations go together? They don't. No wonder my body image is distorted. So is everyone elses! I'm stressed a...

I startle easily, jumping like a newborn from the slightest touch or any sudden sound. My jumpiness can be embarrassing, and I often feel as if I'm not connected to myself, drifting part way between some other world. I have nightmares that aren't really nightmares. They are memories that play out in my sleep, near the edge of dawn, and I wake up raw. Every sound is louder, and every touch hurts more. I cannot even stand affection today. It makes me want to cringe and cry out, and if I could find some way to disappear I would. I still smile and go about my day, because that is what I know I have to do. I'm grateful that I have people to smile at, and who also smile back, even when I feel so mean inside.

What a crazy work week! I'm really ready for things to settle down in our classroom. We have one student who is really aggressive towards staff and other students. He really needs a different placement, but that probably won't happen anytime soon. He makes the classroom environment very stressful. Last year he worked in a room by himself, and now I can see why. He bites himself, and bangs his head on the walls. He has already put a hole in the wall from one of his tantrums. I worry not only that he is going to hurt himself, but that he will hurt someone else. It is a very unsafe situation. He throws a tantrum when presented with work tasks, and has a problem with transitioning from one activity to the next. He isn't used to being in a classroom setting, so it is difficult for him to participate in group activities. The entire day feels like a battle, and I'm shell shocked by the time it is over. So now the weekend is here, and I'm relaxing and blogging with a glass...

The Interpreter In my dreams sometimes they speak as if they did it everyday Voices so smooth and effortless that I forget to listen to the words Eyes that seem to stare into a vast and hollow void Spinning objects in revolutions of endless delight Fingers that flicker and eyes that look away My heart tries to hear what they cannot say and in my dreams sometimes they speak Angela Minard 2009©

I made it through Monday, and only got hit and kicked a few times. Working with aggressive kids sends my adrenaline up so high that by the end of the day I feel a bit manic. I felt close to a panic attack by lunch time, but I sat in my car for twenty minutes and listened to Josh Groban. That was calming, and the rest of the day was better. I'm fighting a cold, so most of this weekend was shot. I was running a fever, and slept most of Saturday away. Dave and I did get to go out Friday night though, and it was nice. I needed to decompress after a crazy work week. I'm so tired on the weekends, and I hate wasting them resting when I have so much that needs to be done around the house. I'm finding it hard to balance everything when I work full time. Of course, I need my computer and blogging time;-) Tomorrow I see my therapist and nutritionist. I've been feeling spacey and numb for the past week. Dealing with my dad always brings so many feelings to the surface, and I'm ...