Here and Now

I have been thinking about healing and yoga and love... Always love I cannot practice without intention I set an intention before every practice and most of the time it is simply to be present with my breath From the beginning I needed change and devotion and love I found all of those things through yoga but also within myself Self love has been the most difficult but I am learning  I want everyone to love me... Today my friends son told me he didn't like me He is five and yesterday he liked me just fine During savasana all of a sudden my eyes flew open wondering why he didn't like me!  I'm the child sometimes... It is normal to seek to search and to reach in all directions How exactly does this work? I want to do it right... to be perfect but perfect is never how we grow and so it works best when I find compassion for my weaknesses grace in the midst of making mistakes and love for all that I am At ti...

*I wrote this last week~   It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety.  Writing helps, and so here I am... I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, a...

Stay You pry my fingers away one by one the pitch of your voice steady and calm as you flatly explain  your departure and now after all of these years it is all I can do to stay Angela Minard 2015©

Reborn We are often reborn in moments, instead of a singular, spectacular explosion As long as we exist in this universe, we are unfinished; A miraculous piece of artwork in progress You are not broken, flawed, or shattered You begin, again and again, forever and always You are brand new now, and will be brand new with your next breath Each morning  as you open your eyes you have a choice You can repeat yesterday or you can decide to make a fresh start not everyday  but every moment We are here together sharing this common ground for reasons that we may never understand and as I breathe out  you breathe in  We are one forever reborn Angela Minard 2015©

I have worked with kiddos with autism for over fifteen years, as well as having my own son with autism. I'm used to waiting a longer amount of time for a response than what is considered average. People with developmental disabilities, as well as individuals with brain injuries have a longer processing time, so I wait... I'm just now realizing that I have a longer than average processing time when it comes to my emotions.  Feelings are unlabeled because I have no idea in the moment what is happening.  I store my emotions like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, and then they explode before I even have a chance to make much sense of them.  This is why I have a therapist to help me sort through the mess of feelings that confound and confuse me on an almost daily basis.  Laughter, and joy are easier to accept, but sadness and anger I have labeled as bad, and off limits, so I do all kinds of inappropriate things with those emotions in particular. ...

I do not understand life, or why things happen the way they do. I do believe that the people and events in our lives are put in our path to guide us and to teach us if we can allow that to happen. Life is also random, and no one deserves tragedy, pain, or suffering to befall them. We do not always get what we deserve. Sometimes we get more, and sometimes we get less, and here is where I used to tell my kids, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit." We blame ourselves in order to make sense of trauma, to give ourselves a false sense of control, thinking that if we are "good" we can prevent further suffering. My grown up mind understands this, but the wounded little girl inside is still working on figuring it out. I wasn't raped because of anything I did or didn't do, and even now, if someone hurts me, it isn't because I am flawed. It also isn't always because they are flawed, but simply because we are all human beings, and most ...

The main reason that I started writing this blog was to sort out my thoughts and emotions throughout my recovery process. The reasons that I continue are not only for those same reasons, but also because I have learned that it is important to myself and others, to be vulnerable. I am as honest as I can be here, because we all share some of the same hopes, fears, and basic human tendencies. When I realized I wasn't alone, the world was not nearly as frightening. I'm recovered from anorexia, but that certainly doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with my body image. I do. I'm in the public eye every day as a yoga teacher, and I'm not the hard bodied, lean yoga teacher. I'm the short, curvy yoga teacher, with extra bits here and there, and most days, that is okay. It never matters once I step my feet on my yoga mat because for fuck's sake, it doesn't matter! The days that it does matter, I need to take a few steps back, and ask myself why. ...