Here and Now

We Learned To Run When I cannot hold on to what is real and the memories trapped inside of my body scream rising to the surface   struggling to stay present  It hurts  and I want to run... We learned to run.   Wavering between the intense ache of my broken heart anger at my inability to tough it out  and finally succumbing to complete numbness  I want to apologize to her for all of the times I give up We            are                      both                                  weary

Artwork by~ Christian Schloe     I’m not feeling good about my body, or good inside of my body, and I’m trying to figure out a way to feel better without jumping to the conclusion that if I lost a few pounds, or did a cleanse, or some other disordered behavior, I would find some peace with myself. I ask myself, "What are you attempting to distract yourself from?" At the moment, I do not have an answer, so all I can do is sit with the question, and wait with patience for the answer to present itself in time. I know with certainty at this point in my recovery, that it may "feel" like it is about my weight, but that is the eating disorder rearing its ugly head, and not my own very wise voice. I want to claw at my skin, and erase what feels ugly, and I’m sad that I still struggle with this at times.   Today I will search for compassion, and simply be kind.   

    Have you ever felt lonely even when you are surrounded with loved ones? I have been struggling with connection. Everyone feels so far away, and yet close enough to reach out and touch. It is me...I understand that cognitively, and realize that I'm the one who creates distance, but I don't know why I do this. I crave closeness, but I also fear the loss that can come with connection. I'm not very trusting when it comes to close relationships, and I try to mind read, which usually gets me into trouble. Tonight's yoga training was all about connecting with another person, and it is funny how I'm very aware of the energy of everyone around me, but also guarded when it comes to sharing. I think because of my trauma history, I'm hyper aware of taking in every minute detail. I'm on guard for danger, and ready to run. This does not always serve me well. I'm often anxious and suspicious, and yet I attempt to hide these feelings.  I fe...

  I think that often times we think of "letting go" as happening all at once, and because of this concept of releasing years of built up pain in one fowl swoop, we become overwhelmed, and give up on the whole idea. I'm realizing that this is not how " letting go" happens at all. It is a process of contemplation, grieving, celebration, and releasing in fits and starts. I have a feeling that we can loosen our grip, but that  "letting go" is infinite and undefined. There are times when I think that I have let go of something, and then suddenly, boom ! I'm blindsided by the hurt all over again, and I realize that what I had actually done was to shut down my emotions. I have been working very hard to not only allow, but accept my feelings, whatever they may be. It gets crazy sometimes! I used to avoid confrontation, but lately, when someone hurts me, I can take a step back, and say, "Hey, I don't deserve to be treated badly." If s...