Here and Now

Ticking Away He talked to himself in the library, twisting his hands, mumbling under his breath. Standing beneath a small window placed too high, he could see nothing but a piece of sky. Every now and again he would turn toward the magazines before looking once again at the clouds, whispering to himself and running his stained fingers through limp, unwashed hair. A women with her head bent down intent on studying, gazed at him annoyingly, breathing out an irritated sigh, tapping her pencil on the table sharply. He did not turn around, continuing his own conversation, deep in a world she could not touch. Another woman walked over to him just as disheveled, and tugged at his sleeve, insistant that he come with her. "The bus, the bus is here," she said, speaking with urgency,  pulling him roughly, her voice growing louder. "The clock is ticking," he said "It is ticking away..." Angela Minard 2...

Art work by~ Emma Powell   This week has been better. I'm back to work, mostly doing office type jobs, although I did go and observe a boy in 7th grade, with Aspergers Syndrome, who is having difficulty in a couple of classes. I really enjoy that part of my job. The office part is just tedious and boring, but I'm grateful they are letting me work at all. My hip is beginning to feel better, and I think the meds are helping with the pain, which is a welcome relief. Yesterday I went to see my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. She was out because she had to have surgery, and I liked not going a little too much. I think that mostly it was because I didn't have to talk about the behaviors, and felt like I was getting away with something, so I cried all the way there. In therapy I don't talk much about the eating disorder, so I wasn't really telling my team how badly I was doing. I'm doing better this week with food, but struggling with ...

Artwork~ Picasso   I am afraid, which leads me to panic attacks and self doubt. I'm afraid that my hip injury is going to make me lose my job. What if they say that because I keep getting injured, I can't do the job I was hired for? Working with aggressive kids make me prone to injury anyway, but I can't step down into another position because it would mean a large cut in pay. I think there are other placements in which I could work with less aggressive children, and I hope that is where they will place me. I just received the doctors release form that says I can't return to the physical side of my job, so I'm hoping they will let me work in the office until I can go back to my regular duties. I talked to my therapist last night about having choices to eat or not. She explained that in the beginning of eating disorders, no one intends to get sick, and it is a coping mechanism, but once you know you have a problem, then it becomes a choice. I understand t...

Artwork~ Moussin Irjan; Oil, 2012, Painting "What Warms The Soul?"   We Are Two Inside we hold the sky; the wonder of stars the pull of gravity beneath our feet holding us to the earth Once there was pain; we floated away into the blue nothingness the separation of our souls drifting eventually returning to the body; the safety of self We are two She is the one who leaves; afraid of darkening shadows She is the one holding our hand; leading us from fear We are two Within reach; she whispers in our ear fly, fly, fly She carries the weight of hunger; the chaos of our mind sweet distraction She is the one We are two Angela Minard 2012©

I had my hip x-rayed today and it turns out that I have a stress fracture. I have old lady bones thanks to anorexia. When I have complications due to my eating disorder, I get really down on myself. My therapist is always saying that I choose whether to eat or not eat, and that always makes me feel like I chose to have anorexia. I never wanted to get sick, so that always confuses me. I'm going to have 6-8 weeks of physical therapy, and then after that they will look at it again to see how it is healing. I can still do yoga. It is weird, because it only really hurts when I'm walking. I take a deep stretch class, and it doesn't bother me then. I've been limping and having really sharp pains when I walk. Yesterday it was hurting so bad that I knew I had to get it checked out. I'm glad that I'm finally getting it taken care of though. I'm looking forward to it not hurting! Other than that, I'm feeling okay. I'm trying to eat more, it is just that I...

Make Believe   Oh, make believe take me away as if I could be the child I always wished I could be Oh, make believe take my small hand in yours lead me under the pale birch trees rough and torn apart hold me as I look through your branches hiding from you, and you... Yes, I'm ripped my seams frayed Oh, make believe mend my soul taken in a summer night and yet I was numb and frozen You, yes you hurt me long ago and I remember the curtains blowing away from the open windows I would not, could not cry out Oh, make believe you whisper to the dolls with their cracked faces pretending to be whole; unbroken you talk of love You, oh you are only make believe... Angela Minard 2012©

The Melody Of You   In my dream you were a song comfort in the darkness a melody so simple and true arriving to see me through the night surviving the horror Surviving... Wide awake wandering lost in the daylight fearful trying to remember the lyrics grasping for the words you said Pushing away the surface frozen by my mind refusing to see the reflection of my own eyes staring back at me You can never be wishing... You tell me it can never be Knowing doesn't lessen the ache of wanting Always wanting You are here for now but one day you will only be a song in my dreams Angela Minard 2012©

Artwork by Rodrigo Enrique   It is time to find words, to use words. I find myself crying over every little thing today...for eating a small amount of dinner even though I hadn't eaten all day, because I got an $120.00 ticket for not totally stopping at a red light when turning right, for feeling ineffective at work, for crying over the fact that my son needed to buy a rose for his girlfriend to take to school for homecoming, and not having money. Luckily Dave had a few dollars in his pocket. My medication is expensive. I'm afraid my therapist will give up on me, and that the fact that smaller jeans elate me, make me feel like a failure, and yet I still hate my body. How and why do I find myself in this hopeless place? I hate writing this because I don't want anyone to know. I read an article about anorexia becoming a habit that is difficult to break after so many years of restriction. I cannot even remember a time when I didn't worry about my weight. I canno...

One We were thieves in the night chasing the darkness breaking down doors crawling through the cobwebbed windows of empty buildings We were cracked in the places unseen Heads throbbing eyes adjusting to the shadows We were drunk with the moon shattering the sky into pieces Running, running We were limbs and breath tripping on pavement Bleeding palms reaching mud sinking beneath our knees We were praying in the silence the echo of whispers Clasping hands We were one Angela Minard 2012©

Artwork ~Dream Walking 1968 by Imogen Cunningham   "That I Would Be Good" "That I would be good even if I did nothing That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down That I would be good if I got and stayed sick That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds"   These lyrics sum up how I'm feeling right now. The feeling of being unworthy and undeserving is desperately a part of me. Hanging on to the eating disorder has become part of my identity. The healthy part of me can often feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I run into people who have only known me as thin and I feel shame. I'm afraid of the womanly part of myself. I remember the surprise of puberty, the betrayal of my body and the sexuality that came along with it. It is the past that lingers. I let go and hang on, I move forward and fall back. The frustration of longing for numbness..a respite from grief.   “ You have played, (I think) And broke the toys you were fondest of, And a...

Artwork by David Agenjo   It was pointed out to me in therapy the other day that when I'm engaging in eating disorder behaviors, I lose my voice. I stop writing, and I stop communicating with people. This week I've eaten three things; a bowl of oatmeal with raisins, an apple, and a handful of tortilla chips. I'm not sure what is driving this latest foray into restriction. Of course I turn it into being about my weight, when I've had enough therapy to know that isn't what it is about. It doesn't matter what I logically know when the voice in my head tells me that I need to lose weight. I don't know what it is that I'm avoiding feeling, and I suppose I won't know until I start eating again. It is ridiculous the amount of time that it is taking to write this post. I'm not thinking clearly, I'm weak, and I don't feel well at all. You would think that in itself would be enough motivation to eat, and yet the other side of anorexia is t...