Here and Now

This weekend I did absolutely nothing. What a slug! I woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat, and my allergies are crazy right now. I feel like all I do is whine about how rotten I feel. Sorry about that! I promise that soon I will be so damn healthy. I can't wait! Tomorrow is the dreaded colonoscopy. I hate to say this, but the best thing about it is that I get to fast for 24 hrs. A whole day where I don't have to worry about food, or taking medicine before I eat, or how horrible I'm going to feel after I eat. I'm looking forward to getting through this procedure so that I can be done worrying about it. No matter how much everyone tells me that it is no big deal, it is still causing me quite a bit of stress and anxiety. It is strange, but now that I'm doing everything that I can to treat my body right, it decides to crap out on me. I really didn't realize the damage that I was doing to myself. Now I'm more determined than ever to gain back my health, e...

It is very hard to ignore the voice of my eating disorder when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and bloated. None of my pants fit right now because of this, and with the weather cooling off, it is really upsetting me. I do not want to have to go out and replace my wardrobe. I'm questioning whether or not the Lexapro is what made me gain weight so quickly in the first place, and I'm contemplating tapering off of it. I will be able to call and make my appointment for a colonoscopy on Monday, and I should probably wait and see what the results of that are before I do anything, but I'm feeling so miserable and impatient! I have to stay very near a restroom with all of the MiraLax that I'm having to take, and I'm very frustrated with this whole thing. Even more frustrating, I think, is the fact that I have brought all of this onto myself. If I had known that refeeding and restoring my weight would be so hard for my body to handle, I honestly don't know i...

It is 2:00 a.m., and I know exactly why I'm up pacing the floor, and ultimately finding myself here, blogging. I'm worried and stressed over my impending colonoscopy . At this point, I'm not all that concerned about the results per se , but in the actual procedure itself. My nutritionist informed me of the fact that although you are somewhat sedated, they usually don't totally put you under, but because of my sexual trauma history, I will need to request that I not be awake at all. I don't want to be awake at all!!! For some reason though, I just dread having to tell whoever is scheduling my appointment, that I have a sexual trauma history. I will, but I just hate having to disclose that information over the phone, to a total stranger. Like I don't already do that here, on this blog! Funny, huh? My doctor's office called yesterday, and the results of my blood tests were all normal, but because of my stomach x-rays, they want to do the colonoscopy, and somet...