Here and Now

I'm not sure what I want to write, only that I have the need to write. I have an unsettled feeling, as if something big is on the verge of happening. It's not a good or bad feeling, but I feel a certain amount of breathlessness, and a sense of waiting. Maybe it is only that I don't know what to do when everything seems calm. I wait for the next calamity. There is always this underlying current that something bad is going to happen, or that I'm undeserving of good. I'm afraid that it is all going to be taken away from me at any moment. Why is it so hard for me to live in the present? That has been my goal during the Thanksgiving break, and for the most part, I'm doing well. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, although I did miss my mom, dad, and brother. I taught my niece Riley, and her cousin how to knit, so that was how I spent most of the day. I tried to eat what I could. It wasn't much, but I didn't push myself at all, and that was what I had planned on ...

It felt so good to sleep in this morning. I've had too many nights of insomnia lately, so I needed a few extra hours of rest. I'm off work until Monday, and I plan on taking an actual break from everything having to do with recovery. That doesn't mean that I plan on being destructive at all, it only means that I need a reprieve from focusing so much on what I need to be doing, or what I'm failing at doing. In therapy this week, we talked about my desire for perfection. I expect it from myself, but I also project that on to others, feeling as if everyone expects me to be perfect. My slips and slides on this recovery journey tend to trip me up. I feel like I shouldn't be making mistakes. I'm going to use these next few days to be thankful for where I am right now, and for all of the blessings that I have. Today I'm going to bake pumpkin bread and apple crisp to take over to the big feast tomorrow. I'm looking forward to spending the day with family, and es...

Last night I went to my last AA meeting. It was horrible, and I felt uncomfortable through the whole thing. It was a men's and women's group, and was fairly small. We had to sit around in a circle, and then stand up, say our names, say we were alcoholics, and talk about what we are grateful for. I'm really shy in front of people that I don't know. This was the first meeting that I've been to where I was put on the spot. For one thing, I refuse to say that I'm an alcoholic, so I didn't. I said a few short sentences about what I'm grateful for, and that was it. I was very nervous while waiting for my turn, and I couldn't even focus on what anyone else was saying until my turn was finished. The whole religious aspect of AA also really turns me off. I called my therapist after the meeting and told her that I wasn't going to go anymore. I started crying, and was very upset because I thought that maybe she would stop seeing me, but she told me to calm ...

Yesterday I went to the new addiction support group that I was talking about. It was held in the back room of a little downtown coffee shop. I arrived about fifteen minutes early, asked if there was anyone there yet, and sat down in the coffee shop with a vanilla latte'. I waited, and only saw two people go into the back meeting room. Two people! I didn't stay. It only meets once a week, so I'm assuming it isn't ever a large group. I was disappointed, because it had sounded so promising. I guess I will go back to AA a few more times, and attempt to give it a shot. I promised that I would try, so I don't want to go back on my word. Yesterday, I barely ate anything, and I know that not having an appetite is a poor excuse. I know what I need to be doing, but right now I have zero motivation to do it. The weight is coming off, and to tell you the truth, that thrills me. The eating disorder itself is a type of addiction. Once I get into this pattern, I find it so difficu...

I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his lif...

Surfacing It always ends in the water Sinking into the comforting weightlessness Drowning the shame that boils beneath the mirrored stillness I see you I know you hiding in the depths of your own deafening silence A secret baptism A whispered prayer An unfinished memory begging to return to the beginning Angela Minard 2009©

Repair Not a flinch or a slap in the face of surprise. Hearing the news that you died. You never made any effort to know who I am. After the divorce, disgarded, and left behind. My memories are only the faded pictures I've seen in worn out photo albums. A white bonnet, a red trike, while you pushed from behind. Is this how I will feel when you die? Nothing feels sad and empty. Is that what I want? It has been so long. What will I say to you when I see you at his visitation? You were just like him in so many ways. You left me behind. You never made any effort to know who I am. I will say, "I'm sorry that Papa passed." I know you tried to mend your relationship with him. Taking care of him in the end. Maybe you are trying. Isn't that all anyone can ask? I will say, "We can try to work things out if you can give me some time to forgive." Angela Minard 2009©

Last night I went to my therapy session all fired up and filled with anger. Yes, I think that some of the anger is misdirected, but I let my therapist have it anyway. Instead of returning my anger with her own anger, she was very willing to talk things through, and was actually very proud of me for not keeping all of those emotions inside. That is what I usually tend to do. I am angry at myself for using alcohol as self medication, and I do agree that the behavior needs to stop. She did agree that I am not an alcoholic, but she is concerned with my drinking at all because of the medications that I'm on. She did want me to try a few more AA meetings, but it is not a stipulation for her treating me. She will still see me even if I decide not to go. I also told her that it hurt my feelings that she would want me to take such a strong medication to try and control my behavior. She apologized, but was thinking that if it detoured me from drinking at all, then it might motivate me. I kn...

I'm getting ready to go to therapy. I'm angry with my therapist, and plan on telling her so. Confrontation and anger are not something that I'm good at. I have a very difficult time showing anger or telling someone that I'm angry. I'm so upset that she threatened to stop seeing me. I don't think that is right. Is she going to stop seeing me next because I'm not eating like I should be? She also wanted me to take Antabuse, which is a medication that can make you violently ill if you drink alcohol while taking it. I think that is so extreme and harsh, and there is no way in hell that I'm taking it. It has some very scary side effects. She has even said that she doesn't think that I'm an alcoholic, only that she thinks I'm headed in that direction. This whole think has been blown way out of proportion. Grrrr...I'm mad!!! Okay. I'm going now.

Unworthy For more than half of a day I felt unfamiliar elation followed by The helpless type of anger that leads to blank staring at inanimate objects until they blur into a sort of cohesiveness that feels safe. The chaos of children, trying to be perfect, the distractions of a mind riddled with thoughts of starving, money, tumors, and autism. Fear of my own incompetence. In my mind I'm still a child longing... Forced to see and do what no child should ever witness Fearing for my life Innocence lost Why do I feel so unworthy of peace? There are arms and voices that comfort my pulsing veins and moment by moment through the fear I see the hope that could be my home. Angela Minard 2009©

I sit in the basement of the same church where my children attended preschool, sipping a spiced pumpkin latte', and contemplating the idea of pulling my knitting out of my purse. I need something to focus on besides my nervous attempt to avoid eye contact with the other women in the room. All that I can hear is the sound of my pulse throbbing in my ears. Women stand up to share their stories, but their voices are background noise, competing with my heart. My knitting sits in my lap, needles poised and unmoving. My eyes focus on the stillness of my fingers until they become unrecognizable as my own, and this is when I disconnect. When I'm uncomfortable or afraid, that is what I do. I separate myself from the fear, filling the space that exists with emptiness. My life is riddled with holes. The frayed memories, torn and faded, haphazardly patched and sewn. I find myself behind the wheel of my car, wondering in what direction I should go, because I'm painfully aware that I don...

I would like to hide away from the world, and not have to face anyone. Shame is eating away at all of me. I'm sad and angry, and sure that I deserve to feel as bad as I do. I feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve anything. I'm tired of all of the labels, but what's one more,right? Who the hell cares anymore? I'm in a negative, rageful mood, and dangerously filled with self hatred. Oh, there are ways to fix these feelings. I can stuff them down, starve them away, getting lost in the minutia of the one label that I hang onto for dear life. How do I deal?, and maybe I'm not meant to.

My therapist wants me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've really had to think hard about it. It was a difficult decision to make, because although I think that at times I do have problems with alcohol, I don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Of course, isn't that what all alcoholics say? I have been to meetings before when I was in treatment at Renfrew for my eating disorder, and I hated them. I was so anxious, and some of the men made me very uncomfortable. I found an all women's group in my area, so I think that I'm going to go on Saturday. For the most part, when I do drink, I think that I'm more of a binge drinker. Alcohol also tends to increase the likely hood that I will dissociate. I want to stop, because I do believe that it is impeding my recovery. I promised my therapist that I would not drink again, and she said that she would not keep me as a client anymore if I continued to drink. I value our relationship so much, and to lose her as ...

We just returned from Dave's doctors appointment, and we have received some good news. The tumor hasn't grown much. We were also waiting on a second opinion about radiation as our next course of treatment, and that is a go, so no surgery for awhile. Luckily the tumor grows slowly, so we have time on our side. Thankfully, all of the prayers, good thoughts, and positive energy must have been heard and answered! We are truly grateful, and so very blessed. I will leave you with a poem that I wrote for Dave awhile back, because, well...I love him so much. For David Hold out your hand and place gently in mine. The feel of our fingers, our souls intertwined. Can you hold on when my spirit drifts away? I promise to come back, I have just lost my way. Reach out and find me. Don't ever let go. We wonder some days, but our love, it still grows. There are those moments. We're weary and worn. Words, they can hurt, leaving hearts feeling torn. Repairs will be made. Cried tears always...

Everyone send your prayers and good thoughts our way. Today is Dave's neurology appointment, and we will know what is going on with his brain tumor, and where we go from here with treatment options. I'm sleepless, worried, and as usual...writing:) Resolutions Wide awake my mind circles and spins and it begins all over again Together we will wait clasping hands and we will wait and take what is thrown our way Questioning the Gods but they are not Gods just men maybe wrong maybe right Holding us by the throat the grip so tight Breathing room walking light no more doom and gloom it is time for trite In this together again we fight Angela Minard 2009©

Frozen and these are the scars you'll never see, that silence carved on me... and I wonder why I continue to be paralyzed choking on the words unsaid and what if I could sing instead of listening to the screaming in my head and I've tried to only hear the music playing in a heart that beats with fear and when the lyrics lost their beat and the rhythm wasn't loud enough to save me from the night wide awake beneath the black I gasp for breath and beg for light Angela Minard 2009©

Here are a few pics from the Halloween party that Dave and I went to last weekend. We had so much fun dancing and being silly with our friends. It almost felt like I was in high school all over again, in a good way:)