Here and Now

The Feeling Of You As I bow my head your scent rises from my skin surrounded by the feeling of you inhaling... as if I could capture your essence to carry like a smooth stone in the palm of my hand shivering... I wrap the comforting weight of your arms around my shoulders breathing in the chiming sound of our laughter and the lingering warmth which is the feeling of you Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Amanda Cass "A Place to Dream"

No One Listens We pack our emotions into used cardboard boxes labeling them with permanent black ink without tender care no crinkled tissue paper or newspaper print We haphazardly toss them tape them and try to forget We arrive at our destinations slamming car doors eyes to the pavement seeing nothing shoulders caving in on broken hearts We stride in brightly  wide smiles and cheerful hellos fucking liars hiding behind name brand clothing make up job descriptions dressed up to sound prestigious fancy fucking words flow from our lips We make it sound so pretty, don't we? Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Audrey Kawasaki

I swallow more tears than I shed.  It is rare for me to have a "good" cry, and I'm being sarcastic when I say that. It is not that I don't cry at all. I almost cry a lot! I feel the tears forming, and I do everything I can to keep them in.  Because of this, I'm beginning to feel the weight of holding it all inside. There is nothing wrong with my life. I am probably the happiest I have ever been, but even so, my heart races, I have sudden panic attacks, and I become scared of everyone, even the people I adore the most. I do my best to hide these fears, because I understand how irrational they are. Hiding your feelings is a death sentence, or at least it is for me. I build fear like a fortress surrounding myself, and then, to tear it down, I set myself on fire. I'm quite the expert, except that I used to be so numb that I didn't recognize the chaos and damage I was creating in the process of trying to kill the pain. The last time I cried was towar...

Full Slipping between shadow and light lucid dreams cool sheets warm pillows sun seeping between cracks in the blinds bouncing from floorboard to ceiling your breath so soft   I sigh... overflowing we swallow tears and rise wading in a river of sparkling stars between our toes cool moss thick winds blow short lived stormy summer skies swollen clouds swollen eyes swollen hearts we are full Angela Minard 2015© "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass." ~John Steinbeck

Often I come here,  unsure of what to say,  only knowing that there are feelings within that I am compelled to put into words,  or at least this blog is my feeble attempt.  As I'm sitting here in front of the computer screen,  my sweet husband is softly snoring on the couch,  and golf is on the television in the background.  It is mid afternoon, cool and rainy,  and what should seem peaceful,  has me instead filled with worry.  This is my downfall... My inability to enjoy the present moment, as it is, without jumping into the future, my fears, and what ifs... I love so intensely that I'm hyper aware of just how devastating it would be to lose the things I hold close to my heart. The simple sound of rain, while my husband sleeps peacefully near me is so perfect and lovely that it swells inside of me to the point where it can no longer be contained, and yet, I try. I suppose this is what causes my pain, or perhaps the fear t...

Fractured Time The world grows loud as you slip away thoughts like mercury quickly separating and running back together images flash bile rising as the darkness pools behind your eyes The return is silent scenery changing as if waking inside of a soundless dream Thirstily gulping handfuls of cold water icy shame washes through you Frantically searching your mind but all that remains  is the darkness Angela Minard 2015©  This darkness is lonely Desperately weary of living  like this...