Here and Now

Here are five things that I've never done, that I would like to do someday... 1. Help someone or something to give birth 2. Have my own cabaret show 3. Stomp grapes in Italy 4. Sky dive 5. Ride in a hot air balloon What are your five things?

We don't have any plans for this holiday weekend, and that is probably for the best. I don't feel that great physically, and the medicine that I'm taking is making it necessary to be near a restroom at all times, if you get my drift. Sorry to be so personal, but hey, it's all between friends, right! Other than my stomach issues, I'm feeling really upbeat and positive. Wednesday was my birthday,and although I didn't do anything special, it was a really good day. The mom of one of my students surprised me with a card and flowers, which made me feel really great. I'm blessed with many people who genuinely love and care about me, and it is wonderful that they also make sure that I know it. If you haven't told someone yet that you love them today, then what are you waiting for? Don't let this day slip away without sharing your love!

Take A Bow Come to my show. How much I want you to sit in the very front row. The dark, vacant shadow of your empty velvet chair. The smell of florist roses was hanging in the air. My heart bounds. Are they from you? I wish to fling them to the ground! Only to smile and bow. Angela Minard 2008©

Unopened The scroll of your handwriting. Fancy loops and swirls that always lead to the lies that lie on my kitchen counter in an unopened purple envelope. The dutiful birthday card. Nothing more. Angela Minard 2008©

This morning I had an appointment with my primary care physician. I was really dreading this visit, because constipation and laxative abuse aren't the most comfortable of topics to discuss. I was really nervous about it, but my husband went with me, and that really helped to distract me, especially on the drive there, and during the times that I was waiting. I think that he wanted to come along because he had some questions, and I don't think that he quite trusted that I would tell her everything, or was worried that I would leave out something of importance. Of course, the first thing that they always do is have you get on the scale. We don't even own a scale at home because if we did, I know that I would obsessively weigh myself. I haven't known what my weight is for almost a year now, and when I see my nutritionist, she always weighs me backwards, so that I don't see the number. I asked to be weighed backwards today also, but my husband was standing there, so he ...

These photographs were taken by one of my students with autism. The flowers are almost as beautiful as she is!

The comment about my weight gain from a co-worker today really threw me off balance for a little while, but I think I recovered quite well! This happened right after I had just finished a nice, healthy lunch, and the thought of not eating for the rest of the day did cross my mind. Later this evening, I was able to share the incident with my husband, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. I would usually keep something like this to myself, mostly out of shame and embarrassment, but instead, I was able to tell him about it, and just giving it a voice seemed to be enough to get me through. Tonight I made omelets for dinner, and even sat down and ate one myself:)

Take a deep breath... A guy that I work with seriously just told me that it looked like I've gained weight, and then he added... in a good way! I know that he really did mean it in a good way, but still it is a bit hard to hear. My therapist and nutritionist told me that eventually someone would make an innocent comment like this, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it bouncing around in my head. I'm trying to remember... It was a compliment!

Tonight I'm feeling a self imposed loneliness that comes from isolating myself too much over the weekend,and it is carrying over into the beginning of this week. I miss all of my family in Florida,and talking on the phone just isn't quite the same. I selfishly want them all to move back to Kansas City! I talked with my mom on Saturday, and it was nice to catch up, and hear her laugh. I've really missed her since she went back home. I'm trying to figure out why I'm having the need to isolate myself so much lately. It seems like it has been since work started. Last week was our first full week with students, and as much as I love all of the kids, the cacophony of our classroom can wear on me. Maybe it is just taking me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and hiding out is my way of recharging. I feel like this may only be an excuse, though I'm not sure what it would be an excuse for, exactly. I do know that I need to be aware of it so that it doesn't ...

Faded Dreams Uninspired by this lackluster day, the white sky drifts past the windows and the light wills my eyes to close. I must lay down, and permit the images to come. Allowing my dreams to drift around. Tedious thoughts, dissected and picked apart until there is nothing left but the colorless atmosphere. I remember picking at the crumbling wallpaper of faded cabbage roses. Phone numbers deeply scratched and smeared with charcoal led along the torn, brown paper. She is perched on the filthy green carpeting of the dimly lit hallway her chin resting casually on her knees. Brave to dial and wait. Maybe one of those boys will hear her voice filled with sweet, slow promises, and they will bring her love, and the hopeful wish that this is the one who will want to live in the light of her smile. Angela Minard 2008©

Say Goodbye Can you say goodbye to the darkness as your shadow grows so tall? The songbirds no longer trill in the distant blinding sun. Melodiously they beckon, to sweetly lure you home. Won’t you flee from this night? Take a hold of her hand and dance into the light. Leave their iniquity behind. The time for them will come. Throw their ashes to the frigid ground. Turn around Spread wide your arms, and run. Angela Minard 2008©

This has been a week of restriction and obsessive thoughts about weight and controlling my food intake. My therapist and nutritionist are asking me to gauge where I am, and how I'm doing with food, and although I'm not doing great, I haven't crossed the line into severe restriction. I'm still eating, but I'm sticking with the foods that I feel are "safe" foods, such as salad and fat free yogurt. The other day, my husband offered me a banana, and I said, "Are you kidding me? That is one of the most fattening fruits there is!" At the moment, bananas don't feel safe. Not that long ago, they were perfectly fine, but I'm not in that place anymore. It doesn't mean that I won't eventually be back to more normal eating. This is just where I am right now. I have been thinking lately about what recovering from my eating disorder would actually look like to me. What exactly are my milestones, and how can I measure my success? This is what I ...

The Postponement Waiting on my porch Lean and gangly, sly green eyes and an easy smile. Secretly amused, Mother says that you're too old and sends you back to where you came. Kind hearted young man, who understands. Hands shoved deep into the pockets of your Levi's Dusty black converse Slowly, you saunter away. Angela Minard2008©

Last evening I went to my therapy session. I really didn't believe that I would be capable of listening to what my therapist had to say, but I did listen, and yes, I did hear. My therapist and nutritionist are urging me to see my primary care physician. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I was even going to blog about this because it is humiliating, and embarrassing, but I know that it is something that others suffering from eating disorders may deal with, and that is laxative abuse and dependency . I have taken laxatives for many years in order to produce a bowel movement. The longest that I have gone without taking stimulative laxatives were the thirty days that I was in treatment for my eating disorder. In treatment, they give you stool softeners and fiber, but that is it, so the entire time I was there, I was constipated and miserable. As soon as I was discharged, I got myself to the nearest Wal-greens, and, sweet relief, I have been using laxatives about once a week ever s...

I'm incapacitated by fear, and I find myself staring off into space, as if the answers will suddenly appear in front of my eyes. I don't want to take the easy way out. I don't want to be a failure to myself or to those who care about me, so what I need to do shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out. It is almost dinner time, so that is where I will start. I know that I should see my therapist tomorrow, I just feel as if there are no more words. Words to say...words to hear...I'm numb and empty. Still, I will continue to try... to speak, to listen, to hear.

Claudia Dig a shallow grave for my shallow soul Hollow, hollow This empty fight She holds out her hand in the darkening shadow of my fading light Incandescent, A wavering flame, onetime burning bright Shadow, shadow Nowhere to run She is the phantom night Angela Minard 2008©

Everyone keeps trying to tell me to remember that the full I feel is not a physical full but an emotional full, and that I use the eating disorder as a coping tool to avoid feeling. This is very frustrating to me right now, because all that I feel that I'm coping with is my fear of being overweight. Why does it always have to be about something else? It does feel like it is all about the food and the weight. I'm not sure how to get past that, and I just feel so stubborn and childish about it right now. I cancelled my nutritionist appointment for Wednesday, and I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but it's like I couldn't help myself. I see my therapist on Monday, but I'm going to cancel that too. I just can't sit and listen to them all say the same things over and over again. I'm losing faith that what they say is the truth, and I'm also losing faith in myself. Maybe all that I am is a shallow woman who only cares about her appearance.

This was my first week back to work after summer vacation, but today was the first day that we had students. It is a lifeskills class with ten students, most of which have been diagnosed with autism. It is a fun group of kids, and I'm really looking forward to working with them. Work is a wonderful distraction from the self destructive thoughts and painful feelings that I've been having this week. Eating has been difficult, and when I'm working, it is easy to skip breakfast and lunch. I did eat a salad with the family at dinner last night, and I will try to eat something with them every evening. I know that it's not enough, but it is all that I can do right now. It is strange how my stomach can be empty, and yet I still feel so uncomfortably full.

Upset, angry, disgusted, irrational, and stubborn are a handful of the adjectives I could use to describe how I am feeling at the moment. I cannot gain anymore weight and I'm done with this meal plan that I'm on. It is obvious to me that I'm unable to eat like a normal person. I'm on the treadmill everyday, and still, I continue to gain. I'm mad at myself and everyone, and cannot even talk to anyone on my team about this right now, because I don't want to listen to what they have to say. It is my choice, and I can't do this anymore. I'm choosing to restrict until some of this weight that I've gained comes off. The self loathing, frustration, and anger that I have is so overwhelming, and all-consuming. There seems to be no escape for me. So much for befriending the fear.

I feel more than uncomfortable in my own skin right now, and I'm trying to figure out why today more than yesterday. I've reached what my team feels is a healthy weight. Do I feel comfortable at this weight? NO, I DO NOT! The urge to restrict is huge. I went back to work today, and was very nervous seeing people that I hadn't seen all summer, so I would expect that has something to do with it. Would anyone notice or comment directly on my weight gain? I was and still am very anxious about that, although my nutritionist and I have practiced what I will say if that does happen, and that is, " Yes, I have gained weight, and thank you for noticing. I have been working very hard on gaining some weight for health purposes." That didn't happen today, but just in case it eventually does, I'm prepared. To be honest though, I'm not at all prepared emotionally for that event. I'm not even sure at the moment if I can maintain this weight. I hate how this wei...

This is my last official day of summer vacation before I start back to work. I won't actually get to work with the kids until Thursday though. Tomorrow and Wednesday are just professional development and classroom preperation days. I haven't done anything today besides do laundry and nap, but that is okay. At least I'm well rested at the moment. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. The younger boys have football practice tonight. I hate football season! I just find the sport incredibly boring, and as a mother, quite terrifying. I go to the games, but I try to avoid watching as much as possible. I read, knit, and groan a lot! I need to stock up on yarn. Everyone in the family is getting a scarf for Christmas this year, whether they want one, or not. Well, that is all for now. I hope that this is a wonderful week for everyone!

I was just nominated for...can you belive it...drumroll...The Kickass Blogger Award!!! Thank you for nominating me wordwebbing! A Kick Ass Blogger is a blogger who can grab your attention and give you something to chew over for the rest of the day and in doing so, entices you back for more. A Kick Ass Blogger is someone who is witty, articulate, and informative. Not easy to pull off, especially in the blogosphere where the competition is intense. Here are the five blogs I feel deserve the Kick Ass Blogger Award: 1. Writing To Survive 2. How is Bradely 3. Untreatable 4. Poem of quotes 5. Caught in the stream I'm honored to have been chosen for this award!

"The body never forgets. I’ve a story: a true and unfrozen story. Hopefully by sharing it will help shed a little light on trauma and how we carry it locked away in our bodies, frozen in time – neither visual or verbalized; rather, emotionally frozen, snapped in the body until triggered and ready to be released." I found this interview with therapist Dr. Fran Burke on the Imagine If Child Protection Became A Serious Business website. It really helped to explain why sometimes I'm triggered by events or emotions that seem difficult to pinpoint or explain. To read more, go check out the imaginif website.

Math Phobic Nonsencicle numbers ill-fitting a jumble on the page Fist pounding Heart racing Eracing, eracing Torn paper Tears threaten Feel enraged I can't Can't do it It's too hard Nonsencicle numbers ill-fitting a jumble on the page Angela Minard 2008©

Forgotten Skipping rope and throwing rocks. The playground children scream. Her whistle pierces through the wind. Our fun and games must end. Pushing past to get in line, we all begin to run. Looking down upon my shoes. Frozen still your feathers at my feet. I scurry inside. Angela Minard 2008©

It is a cool and rainy day here, and a welcome reprieve from the heat and humidity of a Kansas summer. Phoebe is still snoring in her bed since there aren't any patches of sun or warm grass to roll in this morning. What a lazy dog! I'm lazy too, I guess, so I shouldn't talk. Last night we all watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games , which I thought was just amazing and so spectacular. We even watched all of the countries walk through, which I usually find sort of boring, but my boys were fascinated by it, so they made it fun to watch. I'm looking forward to the gymnastics. That's my favorite! Today I plan on doing a bit of housework, and maybe catching a movie. We haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, so that would be a good one to see. I plan on enjoying these last few days of summer break. I go back to work on Tuesday, and the boys go back to school on Friday. I'm always shocked by how much it costs to enroll them all in public school. It was c...

Two of my nieces turn eight and nine this week. Last night I went to Madison's jewelry making party, and Sunday is Riley's pool party. Little girls...they are hard for me to look at sometimes, and God must have realized that when he blessed me with four boys. I love my nieces to death, but looking at them can trigger painful memories of myself, and I'm still working on loving that little girl that I was, so long ago. For so many years, I put the blame on her for everything bad that happened to me as a child. My parents divorce, the rape...all her fault because she wasn't good enough, stupid, too afraid, etc... I'm learning to make peace with her, embrace her, comfort her, love her, and finally, to love myself, because she is part of who I am today. I'm worried about triggers at the pool party on Sunday, especially after the major dissociative episode that I just had. I met the two guys who raped me at my dads apartment pool when I was ten, so pools like that ten...

This is a poem that I wrote awhile back about dissociation. The Absence Of Hours I’m unaware. I've been away. I was certain that it was a cloudy day. I suppose that I just don’t recall. Lost in confusion, time slips and I stray. My heart is frozen with an icy dread as the pulsing and pounding resound in my head. I’m lost like Alice. Down I go. I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. Trapped in my mind, this torment resides. I’m drifting through darkness with no place to hide. Wrapped tight in the silence, my eyes opened wide. Oh, shake me! Please wake me and startle my soul. These hours of nonexistence feel beyond my control. I fear that the past wants to swallow me whole. Angela Minard 2008©

I can see from the comments I have received recently, that I have a few very protective cheerleaders in my corner. Thanks, MOM:-) I realize that sometimes my blog can be dark and filled with disturbing thoughts...mainly because that is sometimes where my head is, and I don't censor my writing to please my readers. I share these in the hopes that someone else who may also be fighting the same demons will know that they are not alone. I know that some of my posts may be worrisome...especially to my loved ones, and for that, I apologize. This journey towards healing is not always sunshine and cotton candy. It is hard, and I struggle, but I am recovering, and I plan on winning. I have a large support team, and I am honest with them so that I can get the treatment that I need. It is trial and error, especially with medications, and the process can be, and has been rocky, but I feel that I'm on the uphill climb. I had a great therapy session last evening, and we talked about what tri...

Morning New Tiptoes dance above the damp blades clinging with glistening dew. The pink blush of dawn contrasting baby blue hue, Rose of Sharon stands to greet the day. Squeak of the swing, the windchimes of morning sing in the awakening breeze. Sadly, you rise... Wave goodbye to the listening trees. Angela Minard 2008©

Not that anyone really cares, but because right now I am suffering from insomnia, here are a few of my random blogging pet peeves, and pet peeves in general. Peeve is a funny word, isn't it? Blogging Peeves~ 1. The word random or musings in any blog title:) 2. Not proofreading your post, or leaving code in your post 3. Not having your entrecard widget in a prominent place 4. Too many ads Other Random Peeves~ 1. Brown lip liner without lipstick 2. Making smacking noises when you eat 3. People who give you a blank stare when you smile at them 4. People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public 5. Public hygiene~ i.e. clipping nails, picking teeth, flossing, booger picking... 6. Making your kid take one more bite That is all for now. Not really very many at all, huh?

I have a wonderful friend, Sunny, who I met over a year ago on myspace , and she just started making a few natural beauty products, so I thought that I would share her with all of you. She sent me her spearmint lip balm over a week ago, and it is the best lip balm in the world! You can go check out her blog, or her Etsy store , and tell her that Angie sent you. She is amazing, and so are her natural products.

I really don't remember much of Sunday or Monday for that matter, due to a dissociative episode. I have no idea what even triggered it, and it is so very frustrating. My therapist received a strange e-mail from me over the weekend, so she called Dave yesterday. Dave told her that he could not get me grounded on Sunday evening at all, so she got us both of us in for an appointment yesterday afternoon, of which I remember nothing about. I guess that it must have been helpful though, because I'm back in business now...none the worse for wear...as usual. I start back to work at the end of this week, so I had better get myself back together. I have been feeling really good since I started taking the Lexapro , and my depression seems to have lifted, which is such a relief. I'm on a good exercise schedule, and though I have to really fight the urge to not over-do it, I'm managing to win that obsession. I'm also sticking with my meal plan, so it will be interesting to see...

Sunday Summer Day The wind blows gossamer wings fly past my eyes in the blinding summer sun and terry cloth damp beneath my skin. It only takes a moment to melt a margarita green puddle into my plastic cup. The lemon yellow slide and tattered canopy wave bleary before my cloudless eyes. In minutes I'm back inside the coolness of home. Angela Minard 2008©

Naptime Lie lazy curled fetal hands tucked between thighs Thoughts of nothing swirling in motion around everything that is seeping with stillness Outside of this room Sneezing, slamming cabinet doors The movement of the day surrounding drowsy ears In silence drift away Angela Minard 2008©

Last night we went to Roman's end of season baseball party. It was at a neighborhood pool, and it was so hot and miserable. On top of that, I started to have a flashback, and began to panic because the last thing I want to do is look like a freak in front of a group of acquaintances. I told Dave, and we were able to get out of there soon after. At least I know what triggered it, but those triggers are just not always able to be avoided. I am getting much better at being able to pull myself back to the present, and Dave is great about recognizing when I'm slipping away. This evening, my friends Angie and Ben are coming over for dinner. I'm really looking forward to seeing them and showing them the improvements that my mom and I have made to the house. I also plan on having a talk with Angie about how worried I am about her. She has been smoking since she was twelve years old, and she has been fighting a horrible cough for months, but refuses to see a doctor about it. I don...

I wonder sometimes...when will there be a day when flashing memories don't haunt me...when I can make it through a day when I don't remember what they did...When? Maybe never. Maybe those memories make up part of who I am, but damn...they hurt so much sometimes...I'm not sure if I can do it everyday. Scary thoughts and images run through my mind, and what I hoped were normal thoughts that everyone has...are not normal. I told my therapist that sometimes I feel as if I'm going to ruin everything. I feel like jumping off of the roof or of driving into on- coming traffic, and those feelings are frightening and disconcerting. I had hoped that everyone felt like that sometimes, although I generally don't feel suicidal, there are days when I'm just so tired. Isn't everyone? I guess not. I'll fail...I'll fall...I'll hold on to love.

Christian is home now, and I don't know what his grandpa did to him while he was visiting, but he was up early this morning, mowing the lawn! Whatever he did, it sure is nice to have him home. His brothers were so happy to see him that they carried his luggage out of the airport for him. I'm so very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I start back to work next week, and it is a good thing, because I can only clean house, knit, and exercise so much. Dave says that he has at least ten pairs of underwear, but keeps on wearing the same two pair because I do laundry so much. I'm just afraid of getting behind, because that is always what seems to happen when I work. I just can't possibly keep up with everything that has to be done around here. Everyone has promised to help though, and I hope so, because it does become very overwhelming. I'm excited to see the kids at work. I've missed them all so much. I checked Sam's blog the other day, and he has been blogg...