Here and Now

My oldest son comes home from Florida this morning. I'm up early, and so excited to see him. I will feel much better when all four of my boys are home, safe and sound. The other day, my youngest said, "Two more days till Christian comes home!" "It sounds like you missed him", I said. He said, "Yeah, What's wrong with that?" Nothing at all! Joy to a mothers ears to know that her sons all love each other. The whole family is going to the airport to greet him, and then out for a celebration lunch. I can't wait! In other news, I went to therapy, and saw my nutritionist last evening. Both were good sessions, and no crying this week. I hate crying in therapy! I'm maintaining my weight right now, so my nutritionist made me a maintenance meal plan which she predicts will either keep my weight stable or make me lose some, which in that case, she will have to adjust it. I just have to have faith and trust that she is right. " When you have com...

While my mom was here, I bought some beautiful new yarn. It is a combination of fine yarn, and chenille. Here is the scarf that I just finished.

Trying to love my own body is hard. This society trains women especially, to be in constant competition with themselves, and even more sad than that, to be in competition with other woman. We are supposed to continually be trying to improve ourselves...tone this, lift that, firm and tighten, lose weight. It is an endless battle that can never be won. Yesterday, for a brief moment, I was feeling okay about my body...not great, but okay. I even let my husband catch a glimpse of my naked self before I quickly dressed. Maybe it is just an adjustment period, and I have to get used to the way this new body feels, as opposed to the bag of bones that I used to carry around. The problem that I always seem to have, is that I don't give myself enough time to adjust. I wish that I could have stayed in treatment long enough last year to get some more help with that part of recovery, because I think that this is the most frightening aspect of all. My gut reaction is to turn back now, before I lo...

I did it! It only took me about an hour and a half to paint the chair rail in my dining room. I love how it turned out. Yay me!

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going...

I feel as if I could have written these lyrics myself~ ~These Excuses~ Why no one will help me I am too dumb I am too smart They'll not understand me I am lonely They'll hate me And there is not enough time It's too hard to help me And god wants me to work No resting no lazy These excuses how they served me so well They've kept me safe They've kept me stoic They've kept me locked in my own cell I'm too far from home It takes far too much energy And I cannot afford to No one will ever see me These excuses how they served me so well They've kept me safe They've kept me stoic They've kept me locked inside my cell These excuses how they're so familiar They've kept me small They've kept me blocked They've kept me safe inside my shell Bringing this into the light Shakes their foundation And it clears my side Now my imagination Is the only thing that limits The bar that is raised to the heights No one can have it all see I have to they w...

I have this strangely ravenous feeling, and I'm not sure that I quite understand it all. It isn't hunger, though I feel as if I could eat everything in sight right now. It is a very scary and out of control feeling, which is why I am here writing about it, instead of eating my way through the kitchen cabinets. I just dropped both of the younger boys off at football practice, and Dave is out playing golf. I feel so self conscious around other parents, and that is just my own insecurity talking, but I never feel as if I measure up...though to what I'm not sure. Anyway, I came home, and feel so out of control. I used to cut myself when I felt this way...that feeling that I'm not good enough, and it just builds and builds, until I have to have some way to release it, by either eating, throwing up, or cutting. Those are all horrible options, and I wish that Dave or someone was home , but they're not, so it is just me with these awful feelings of disgust and self hatred.

I feel so full, and full feels horrible, ugly, and the F word ( FAT ) that is not supposed to be a part of my vocabulary, but that is ridiculous, because it is a word that flies through my mind constantly. My therapist has suggested that I look at what other feelings are present, and being the good patient that I am, I've done just that, and here is what I've come up with. My mom left yesterday, and I know it sounds silly, but I feel like a deserted child. I hate when people leave. Everyone is always leaving me. Even Dave's brain tumor is like the threat of abandonment that hangs over my head like a storm cloud ready to break open at any minute. I was pregnant with my first son before I was married. I know that Dave says that he would have wanted to marry me anyway, but it wasn't the way that I would have liked it to happen. My parents moved to Florida right after we were married, leaving me here with a husband and a new baby. I wasn't sure what in the hell I was do...

I want so much to win...to not let Claudia into my head...picking me apart until there is nothing left, but heart and bone, broken... and empty.

Today I have been lackadaisical and a bit blue since my mom left. I was up so early, and I have napped, knitted, and puttered around the house, but now there is nothing left to do. This morning, I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, and did a few stretches. It felt good to move my body, and it is nice to actually have the energy to exercise. When I'm restricting what I eat, it makes it hard to function normally. I'm trying to remind myself of this fact! My sister in law sent me some wonderful pictures from last evening, so I suppose that I will post those, and try to stay busy.

Last night we had Dave's family over for dinner so that they could see all of the work that my mom and I did to the house. It was a very nice evening. This morning we are all up early, and just said goodbye to my mom, who is driving back to Florida for the next two days. It is going to be strange without her, after a month of her being here to whip us all into shape. I'm sure that I will feel a bit lost for a few days. I plan on starting my yoga classes. Now that I'm eating healthy, I also want to do something else that is good for my body. I haven't been on the treadmill or exercised at all while my mom was here, except for all of the painting that we did! It is time to start treating my body right with food and exercise. I hear Claudia's voice in the distance, and I know that I have to be careful not to become obsessed with exercising, because that is also a tendency of mine, but I think that I am strong enough to control it now. It is important for me to recogniz...

Most everyone in my family know how much I despise and detest the ice cream man. He is a real thorn in my side. He always rings his damn bell just as I'm putting dinner on the table, and that really pisses me off. He is also terribly overpriced. A greedy thief if you ask me! Anyway, I wrote a poem about it awhile back, and being summer, and all, I thought I would share it. The Ice Cream Man Damn, damn, the ice cream man! Just try and catch him if you can Can I have some! Can I have some! Please can I, huh? Does this man really want the work? My theory is that he's just a stupid jerk! Does this man not wear a watch? Does he not know that it's time for my scotch? The dinner bell is ringing, yet he just goes on dinging. The Kraft mac and cheese is almost on the table. The knife is in my hand. I'll catch him if I'm able. Damn, damn the ice cream man! Angela Minard©

It is raining here this morning, which is quite in step with my melancholy mood. I'm feeling sad that my mom will be leaving in a few days. I also miss my son, my brother, and my dad, who are all in Florida. Yesterday my dad opened his own 7 Eleven franchise , and I wish we could have been there together to share in his excitement and success. It is hard sometimes to have my side of the family clear across the country. Christian will be home next week, and I'm excited about that. He is talking about wanting to go to college in Florida. The time is coming soon, to let him spread his wings and fly on his own. If anyone can teach him upstanding work ethics and how to be a good man, it will be my dad though, so if that is what he wants to do, then it is fine with me. I'm really going to miss my mom. When she arrived here this summer, I was still very depressed. I didn't know if I even had the energy to get everything accomplished that I wanted to do. She gently pushed me, b...

Today was what my husband calls a "day of beautification". I took my mom to our local beauty school, and I got my haircut, and we both got spa pedicures,and parafin wax treatments for our hands. It was my moms first time ever having a pedicure, and I think that she enjoyed it. We sat in the massage chairs, and we got to keep the nail polish that we picked out for our toes. It was a fun day, and now we are feeling fabulously beautiful!

Yesterday I saw my therapist and nutritionist. It was a great therapy session, filled with laughter and joking around. Fun, but still productive. As I was leaving the office building, there are four steps you have to walk down, and I literally skipped down them, filled with energy. There have been many times when just getting down those steps would have been a struggle, and in my mind, I took note of that. My nutrition appointment wasn't so fun though, and as I sat in the waiting room, my anxiety and fear over weight quickly turned to tears. I know that I've gained...it isn't that, and it isn't even how much I weigh, because I have no idea. I always get weighed backward. The fear is that I won't be able to stop gaining and it will get out of control. When my nutritionist came out to get me, I was already in tears. She gave me a cup of water and we walked back to her office. She asked why I was crying...I said that I didn't know. She asked if I was mourning the l...

Dave and I had a great therapy session yesterday. He is pleased to see that my depression is lifting, and that I'm eating on a regular basis. It feels good to be able to laugh and smile again. Dave said that he missed being able to joke around with me. Depression really doesn't lend itself to a sense of humor, but I do feel like mine is coming back. It is as if we are falling in love all over again, and that is wonderful. Recognizing all of the qualities that we love about each other and cherishing the time we are able to spend together. I don't want to waste anymore time worrying about my body...trying to chase some kind of elusive perfection. I realize how pointless and counterproductive it is to all of my relationships. Claudia is very close to the curb! "To be nobody but yourself~ in a world which is doing it's best, night, and day, to make you like everybody else~ means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."...

Mondello Pier in Sicily

We finished painting the rec room last night, and it looks fabulous if I do say so! It is a warm gold color, and it really brightens the space. The boys all really liked it too, which is good, since they are the ones who spend the majority of their time down there. When they were little, we used to tell them to go down and play in the dungeon, but it no longer looks like a dungeon, thank goodness! So, we are officially done with home improvement for the summer. Besides a few pictures left to hang on the walls, and maybe a couple of nick nacks to add here and there, everything is completed, and that feels great! Last summer, I had planned on doing this, but was just too sick and depressed to get anything accomplished. I was afraid that this summer was going to be like that too, but my mom came and saved the day. The new medication that I'm taking is also working, and I'm feeling very upbeat and joyous. This morning, Dave and I have a couples therapy session. I usually dread thes...

The air was thick with the promise of lilacs and rain that evening and the clouds hovered about my shoulders like the mink stole from my mother's closet. I tried on from time to time. I was sixteen and I knew it. I tossed my head like a proud pony, My hair rippling down my back in one golden wave as I walked down the sultry street. My bare feet barely touching the ground. Past the sounds of a television, A dog barking, A mother calling her child, My body, slicing through the heavy air like a sailboat gliding on lazy water. When the blue car slowed alongside me I took no notice Until two faces leaned out the open window. "Nice tits you got there ,honey." "Hey sweetheart, shine those headlights over here." "Wanna go for a ride?" I stopped, Dazed as a fish thrust out of water Into sunlight so bright it burns my eyes. I turn and walk away fast Head down, arms folded, Feet slapping the ground. I hear "Nice ass too." Then laughter The screech of ti...

I'm really trying to challenge myself to stick to my meal plan, and not skip any meals, even though I'm feeling uncomfortable with my body. The urge to restrict is strong, and Claudia is loud, but so far I've been able to ignore her. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a movie, and I ate some candy. I wasn't really hungry later in the evening, and thought about skipping dinner, but I forced myself to eat a salad and a piece of salmon. I'm also usually very horrible when it comes to eating breakfast, but lately I have been having a bowl of yogurt with some granola sprinkled on top. Today I even had some fruit to go with it. I do have tons more energy, and my mood, as long as I'm not obsessing about my weight, is great. I know that I just have to sit with all of these uncomfortable feelings, and the rest will work itself out eventually. I just have to have faith, keep believing, and continue to challenge myself, even though I'm afraid.

My mom and I are getting ready to paint the rec room today, and then we will be finished with all of the painting. I can't get over how fresh and clean everything looks. I'm so glad that she came to help me with all of this. I know that I wouldn't have even been able to get started without her. We took the weekend off, and had a really nice time. My mom and I went to the movies on Saturday. We saw "Mamma Mia" , and it was really good. It made us laugh and cry. I would definitely recommend it, even to men. It is not just a chick flick! After the movie we brought home pizza, drank wine, and it was a very relaxing evening. On Sunday, I woke up really early in the morning, which is a good time for me to write, so I worked on a poem, and drank a ton of coffee. I took a nap, early in the afternoon, and then we all went to the movies to see "Iron Man" , which I really wasn't very excited to see, but then I loved it. It was a very enjoyable weekend, and now...

Eleven How still the summer sings through the quiet streets of discarded bicycles and damp towels left to dry. Popsicle wrappers lie sticky in the grass, waiting for ants to feed on the clinging juice. A sunburned cheek, cool bath, and sheets underneath skin that stings and smells of calamine lotion dotted pink on the backs of your knees. The last before your voice goes deep and the neighbor girls will be too shy to ring at the door for you anymore. Angela Minard©

Sometimes I wonder why I post so honestly about how I'm feeling, but then I get a wise comment from someone, and it helps me to see things in a more positive light, and it is then that I'm glad that I was so honest. Yesterday, I was feeling bad about my body and the weight that I've gained. My beautiful friend, Theresa, left me this comment.~ "After a while it began to sink in. Now, I can look in the mirror and not think terrible things about myself. I can actually appreciate my body, not for what it looks like as that's not a concern so much anymore, but for what it can do... Even more importantly, for the woman I am inside it. That's what's important to me now. You are a wonderfully made woman, beautiful inside and out. You have a smile that lights up a room and a personality that makes it so easy to love you. Remember, your body is merely a vessel in which your soul is carried in the world. It is an amazing creation, able to withstand extreme situations...

My mom and I finished painting the boys rooms today, and now all that we have left is the basement, which we are painting a warm gold color. This afternoon after painting, I decided to take a bath and clean off all of paint. I made the mistake of glancing into the mirror as I was getting in, and now I just feel sick. I have been following my meal plan since my mom has been here, and I know that I have gained weight. That is supposed to be a good thing, but it doesn't feel very good. I feel bloated, puffy, and so uncomfortable. I want to be able to love my body, but is just very hard right now. I feel as if I should hide away from the world because I have gained weight. Crazy, I know...but that is how I feel.

Today was a really good day. My mom and I were able to get a lot of painting finished, and my house is looking beautiful! Yesterday my husband hung the new light fixture in the kitchen, and it makes such a big difference in how the room looks. I've always wanted a stained glass fixture for the kitchen, so I'm very happy with it. The boys bedrooms are almost finished. All we have left to do is paint the accent walls. Logan's room is a deep burgundy, and Roman, Justice, and Christian's rooms are going to be navy blue. The rest of the walls are taupe. I love the smell of fresh paint. I think the fumes are getting to me, because I'm extremely happy! Either that, or my anti-depressant in really kicking in:) Whatever it is though, who cares? Whatever works...right? P. S.~HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA!!! WE LOVE YOU

This is a conversation with my eleven year old son on the way home from picking him up from the pool this afternoon.~ Me~ " I just received an e-mail from your orchestra teacher saying that if you want to continue playing the cello next year, we will have to buy or rent one. Roman~ " I don't know if I want to play. It took a lot of my time, and I had a hard time getting all of my work done." Me~ Cool! So, you don't want to play?" Roman~ "No." Me~ "That's great!" Roman~ "Way supportive, Mom!" Ha Ha! I'm a great mother:)

Windows In Rome

The Heart Of A Warrior The heart of a warrior dips and soars Held by a precarious child... unknowing. Bravery wields her sword Wavering high above her eyes... so afraid. Holding on to all that is hers. Dignity, strength, the courage to win. Not only surviving, but thriving with ironlike talons Clinging to hope. Believing that justice prevails. The heart of a warrior takes flight. Angela Minard 2008©

Now it is official. I am most definitely a writer. I have a new space to write in, with a desk, a new lamp, all of my books, computer, pens, pencils, paper..., my own space to work! Now I really feel like a writer. I even have some inspiration for a new poem, so I'm eager to get started!

We are finished painting for the day. Boy, are we dog tired!

Emery loves her Honey Nut Cheerios first thing in the morning. It is going to be hard to take her back to the classroom. We have really grown attached to her this summer. She is such a cutie! She is very social, and greets anyone who will stop by to chat. She is a great listener. Of course, she is always hoping that the visitor also has a treat for her. She loves peanuts, cheese crackers, and anything with peanut butter, which sometimes gets stuck to the roof of her mouth, and is quite humorous to watch her remove. I never thought that I could love a rat, but I do!

A picture we took in Rome I've been awake since 4:00 a.m., and I think it is because I'm excited about painting our bedroom. Yesterday my mom and I went to Lowe's to buy paint, so I'm ready to get started! We also went to Hobby Lobby , and all of their wall decor was 50% off, so my mom bought me a beautiful painting of an Italian countryside. It will be perfect above our bed, and will also remind us of our trip to Italy, and how much we need to return. It feels so good to have my house clean and organized, and fresh paint will make everything even better. I actually find painting to be very relaxing. We are also painting the boys bedrooms, two bathrooms, the hallway, and the basement. I should be good and relaxed by the time we are through!

"There is a lot of tragedy in the world. There are thousands of people who have experienced unbelievable pain and suffering like you have. And there are thousands more who have had to survive much, much worse. It can be done. Each day you get up and you make a decision on whether or not your will be a survivor. I would imagine all you need to do is look into the eyes of your children to know what has to be done. Walk away from the past and start walking toward your future." This was an anonymous comment on my previous post . What this person said is very true, but I already feel like a survivor. I already know that it can be done. I survived for thirty years without asking for help...believing that I somehow deserved what happened to me. I realize that other people have suffered much worse tragedies in their lives than I have. I'm not worried about other people. Letting go of the secret of having been raped, also means that I have to face the trauma that I hid from for m...

I'm trying to feel better about everything , including the fact that I threw out the clothes that no longer fit my new, curvier figure. I've been sticking very close to my meal plan, which has been easier with my mom here visiting, but at the moment, I'm feeling very uncomfortable in my body. Claudia has been screaming at me ever since I threw away my child size jeans. She pleaded with me to try them on, so that she could rub my nose in the failure, but I refuse to listen this time. An adult woman in her 40's should not be wearing children's clothing. Yesterday was a mental health day for me. I saw my psychiatrist about medication, along with a small lecture about my experiment with a complete med vacation. She started me on an anti-depressant along with my medication for the anxiety, so hopefully that will help lift me out of the depression. I've definitely learned my lesson when it comes to stopping medication "cold turkey." I also saw my therapist...

My closet is clean. I usually don't mention size, but I gave away pants that I wore when I weighed less than eighty pounds. I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. To be honest... very upset...who would even understand? I'm sad, and sick, and near tears over it, but why?...

My mom and I have been so busy cleaning, organizing, and redecorating my house. Yesterday we went shopping and bought new sheets and comforters for the boys beds, and new fabric blinds for the windows in our bedroom. Today we are tackling my closet, which I have been dreading most of all. Eating disorders breed many sizes of clothing. There are clothes that I know that I need to get rid of though, so I just need to do it. Someone else will be able to enjoy and get use out of what we no longer wear. We have so many bags of clothes to donate to Goodwill . The boys closets were full of clothes that they had grown out of, or just wouldn't be caught dead wearing, like the adorable winter sweaters that I had bought for holiday pictures, but I guess boys only wear short sleeved t-shirts anymore. I have finally given up on picking out their clothes. They can wear whatever they want, although I do draw the line at heavy metal devil music t-shirts on religious holidays! Now, if I could only...

A Time To Release Visualize… Close your eyes Imagine balloons held up to the sky. The strings you are clutching, they tether your soul. Until you untangle, unravel, untie… Your heart is a prisoner expecting to die. Visualize… Close your eyes… Loosen your grasp. Uncurl your fingers… Allow the strong threads to pass. The wind tugs them gently away from your touch. Drifting and rising, the ribbons stream down. Teasing your fingers, you reach one last time. Alas, No, be alive… Visualize… Close your eyes… Lower your weary arms and shade your bleary eyes Now is the time to say your goodbyes. All that was binding your spirit flies aloft Yearning for freedom… A deep breath… You sigh. Ah, yes! Goodbye Angela Minard 2008©

I was raped in the summer of 1977, in Dallas, Texas. It was one of many secrets that I felt so shamed by, I kept them hidden well into adulthood. It wasn't the first time that I had been sexually abused. The first time was an older cousin, and then the husband of a babysitter. Incidents that all happened during the beginning of my parents divorce, and because my mom was already going through so much trying to raise my brother and I on her own, I instinctively kept hidden what I knew would only cause more pain. I look back now, and remember losing chunks of time, always pretending to remember this or that, and getting by with a "head in the clouds, such a daydreamer" excuse. My first dissociative episode happened while being raped. I felt myself leaving my body, and watching it all from a distance, as if it wasn't happening to me at all. " I tell myself; just fly away, fly away, we'll be okay." I'm still not sure what it was that finally shattered my ...

Tonight I have therapy, and then after therapy, I see my nutritionist. It feels like I have been through so much, and that more than a weeks time has past since my last appointments, but it really has only been a week. I was either disconnected or in a dissociative state for most of last week, and I'm not really sure what triggered this. My eating has been very restrictive, and I think that has a great deal to do with my ability to stay connected and present. I'm slowly increasing my intake like my nutritionist suggested, and that has helped. Last week when I saw her, I kept saying that I didn't think I could go back to eating what was on my meal plan, but she reminded me that I didn't have to do it all at once. My black and white thinking can really do a number on me. I'm glad that I have so much support to help guide me back in the right direction.