Here and Now

Wishing everyone a very happy new year. Let's make 2008 great! Much love, Angie

I had a much needed therapy session this morning. My therapist has been saying for so long, that I need to embrace the little girl that I was when the rape happened. I have had a hard time doing that. Always blaming that little girl. Hating her. I realized today that I dug her grave a long time ago, and have been trying to bury her. I often have nightmares about being buried alive, and a fear of suffocating to death, never recognizing that I was the one who created the fear. Little Girl Lost Help me to find the little girl lost. For too long I held my hand over her mouth. Concealing her pain with my deafening silence. Standing alone in the darkness, she screams to be heard. A tear stained face, covered in soil. Eyes searching, heart reaching, buried alive. Please... Forgive me. I'm sorry. I promise to try. Angela Minard 2007

When I was at Renfrew, I had to go to a few A. A. meetings. There are no words to describe just how much that I hated it! I know that it helps many people, but definitely not for me. It really just gave me the creeps. Thought that I would share my humorous poem about my experience there on my first visit... A Holiday Meeting Dirty decorations A lady chomping gum. The man in front is nodding off. Possibly he is drunk? The smell of stale coffee and cigarettes just smoked. Alcoholics Anonymous makes me want to choke! Angela Minard 2007

Maybe sleeping through the night is a thing of the past. I wake up in a panic, as if I have something of great importance to do. It is an elusive feeling. I grasp blindly, but it slips away before I can figure it out. I feel this pressure now that I am home. All of these expectations about who I have become...I'm not there yet, and maybe these are just my own interpretations of who I think everyone else wants me to be. I'm used to wearing a mask to hide my feelings, and that is still difficult for me to let go of. There is this lump in my throat~tears unshed, and I know that soon they will pour out and take everyone by surprise. Not me. I'm expecting them.

Surfacing Underlying panic an overwhelming urge to scream tasting metal on my tongue awaken not a dream shaking silence tears within hidden down below hush don't cry hold it in nobody must know Angela Minard 2007

The dog woke me up at 3:30 a.m. because she had to throw up. Not quite the way that I had intended to start my day, but at least she made it outside so that I didn't have to clean it up! Good dog. I didn't feel like going back to sleep, and since I'm learning how to knit, I worked on the scarf that I started yesterday. The girls at Renfrew would be so proud of me. Almost everyone took up knitting while they were there, but I could never seem to get the hang of it. I was sure that I was knitting disabled! When I came home , my sister-in-law gave me a lot of knitting supplies for Christmas, so I became even more determined to learn. I found a knitting website that had videos that taught the steps, and finally, I figured it out! I'm very excited because there are so many beautiful yarns to work with. Sometimes I get it into my head that I can't learn something new, so I'm really proud of myself for not giving up. Yay me! I see my nutritionist later this morning. I...

When I was at Renfrew, they were always telling us that it was not about the food, but I never really could grasp that concept while I was there. It felt like it was about the food! The food was actually the easiest part of treatment. There really was not a choice for me there but to eat the food. I could have been a rebel, and refused to eat. Sometimes I wanted to be a rebel, but I care too much what other people think, so, I was the "good patient." The hardest part of treatment was all of the feelings that surfaced once I really started to feed my body. Feelings that I had masked with the eating disorder would seemingly come from nowhere, and that is the part that I struggled with. Now that I am home , the food is much harder. It is harder than I thought it would be. That is okay though. I'm up for the fight! I have been feeling a deep sadness, but I wasn't exactly sure what was causing it until I saw my therapist on Monday. She suggested that maybe I was grieving o...

Merry Christmas! I just turned on our Christmas tree, and now I'm waiting for everyone else in the house to wake up. The older the boys get, the later they sleep on Christmas morning. I still get excited though, which is why I'm awake at 4:30 a.m.! Yesterday Dave and I did our Christmas shopping. I definitely don't recommend shopping on the day before Christmas, but we had no choice. I didn't even have ideas for what the boys wanted, and that was very frustrating to me.I felt like I didn't know my own children, and was a bit out of touch and distant. Recovery is certainly a lot harder here in the real world than it is in a treatment facility. I still ate, but the thoughts of restricting can be so loud. I choose not to obey that voice in my head, so each day is a victory! Last night we all went to the movies and saw The Golden Compass. It was awesome! I love fantasy movies, and the whole family really enjoyed it. Today we are all going to my mother and father in-laws...

Emergence Emerging from safety. Hanging by a single, fragile thread. Transforming from the inside out. Longing to spread trembling wings, but still, there is the doubt. Fearing the wind will tear through the delicate new soul Then suddenly, gaining the strength to let go. Angela Minard 2007

Kansas City I walked off of the plane yesterday, and it felt as if I were moving in slow motion. The beautiful faces of my husband, and each precious face of our boys standing at the glass window, waving their arms and grinning from ear to ear will be something that I hold in my heart forever! I smiled so much yesterday that my face was sore. I feel so unbelievably loved and cherished. It makes me sad to think of the time that I wasted. I plan on making up for it though, by living each moment to the fullest. Today my husband and I are going to go Christmas shopping. I'm looking forward to spending the day with him. He and the boys put up the tree before I came home, so I won't have to worry about that. I baked Italian Christmas cookies last night and made real homemade hot cocoa. It just feels so good to be home! I sat down and ate dinner with everyone, which was something that I used to rarely do, and Roman said, "Mom, your really eating with us", with a huge smile o...

Heart to Heart I close my eyes and imagine your face. The way that your gaze holds mine. Although apart, your heart I hold. It beats deep within my soul. Until once more you are in my arms. Angela Minard 2007

I'm struggling with sleeping through the night lately. I'm just so ready to be home with my family, and hold them all in my arms. I cannot wait until tomorrow! I'm trying to get used to all of the emotions and feelings that wash over me and take me by surprise. It can be so overwhelming at times, but I know that it is better to feel them than to hide them with my eating disorder. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I still have disordered thoughts though. I have stuck to three meals a day since my discharge. I just need to schedule my eating for now, even though I still hear those thoughts in my head. I'm determined to beat this no matter how many obstacles stand in my way!

Fireball There is a turmoil that swells within. Growing and building, seemingly without end. Name the feelings? I cannot. Containing this pain is all that I know. Flowing outward, pouring forth. An endless current aimed at me. When I am the pain, I cease to be me. Angela Minard 2007

Yesterday my mom and I spent the whole afternoon shopping, and we had so much fun! It has been wonderful to spend time together. I isolated myself from everyone before I went in for treatment. It is nice to be able to reconnect, and to feel joy again. My mom bought me some new clothes, and we had a good time trying things on together. It feels great to laugh again. We went to a store called Notions and Potions that has a lot of fairy stuff, and my mom bought me a beautiful fairy figurine. I love it! This morning there was a gentle rain here, and we sat on the back porch, near the burning fire pit and had our breakfast and coffee. Very relaxing! Today we are going to St. Augustines for more shopping, and we will stay to see the Christmas lights in the evening. Hope everyone has a beautiful day:)

The flight begins above the clouds Gazing down below upon a blanket Softly silent as a snowfall through the darkness of night The heart ascends beyond the horizon of blue The distant wings of hope await Angela Minard 2007

I was discharged from Renfrew this morning. Sweet freedom! 30 days without diet coke. Such torture. I'm so glad that I went though. I'm feeling much more positive and confident in my recovery. Treatment was very intense. The first week was the hardest. I had a few problems adjusting, and was so depressed when I arrived. I didn't even realize how much I hated myself. The second day there I had a big problem with self injurious behaviors, and really bruised and scratched up my arms. Once I settled in, and had my meds adjusted, my outlook began to look brighter and brighter. I met so many wonderful women while I was there. We all became quite close to one another, and it was actually very hard to say goodbye this morning. I would definitely recommend Renfrew to anyone with any type of eating disorder. My step-dad picked me up this morning, and I'm staying with them until Sunday when I fly back home. Everyone has been so supportive. I am so lucky to have been blessed with a...