Here and Now

For someone with an eating disorder, I know this may sound strange, but I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never took better care of myself than when I was carrying my boys inside of me. I enjoyed observing the changes in my body, and rarely worried about the weight I was gaining. I knew that I was nourishing my babies with healthy eating, and that made me feel amazing. Unfortunately I've never been so great at nurturing and caring for myself, and so after each child was born, I would revert back to the eating disorder. I didn't want to be seen as the stereotypical overweight housewife, and my sense of self was and still tends to be nonexistant. I wanted to be seen as the perfect wife and mother, with a spotless home, and gourmet meals on the table each night. Eventually I could no longer keep up with the facade, and it all fell apart, beginning with the night that I told my husband that I had been raped as a child. It was both the beginning and the end... Tonight in therapy...

Today I am feeling more positive and hopeful. I had a really awesome breakthrough session in therapy yesterday. I had been thinking lately about how good I always felt about myself when I was pregnant. It is the only time that I didn't have dissociative episodes during sex.(sorry so personal, but I don't like to sensor my thoughts) I felt so good about my body and could appreciate all of the changes that were taking place. I took such good care of myself. I gave up caffeine, alcohol, anything that was even remotely unhealthy. I brought this up in therapy yesterday, and my therapist thought that it was very interesting, and came up with a few different ideas as to what that might mean. She came up with some insights that had never even crossed my mind, so I'm definitely going to be exploring those in my mind. I will let you know what I come up with. I also received a wonderful reply from my friend Theresa today on my previous blog post that really made me see through differe...