Here and Now

Yesterday, all I did was sort through my hundreds of poems, and started putting them in manuscript form. I can see now why my therapist thought this project would be so beneficial, because as much pain as some of those pieces still bring me, I can also really see my growth, and how far I have come in the past few years. I can also more clearly see the areas where I still have some digging to do. We are always a work in progress though, right? I haven't yet written what I am now calling the "forgiveness" letter to my dad. I'm not quite certain what it is that is holding me back, and I don't mean to be cruel by putting it off, although it does feel that way. I think that somehow telling him about the rape will make it all the more real, and maybe that is what I'm afraid of. I think that is why I kept it a secret so long in the first place. I do blame him for not caring enough about me to protect me and keep me safe, and then there is always the shame that I have...

While I'm waiting for the boys to wake up, I thought that I would write about how grateful and blessed I feel. This year I have been on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs. I can't believe that it has been exactly a year since I left the Renfrew treatment center to get help with my eating disorder. I thought that going through treatment was hard, but it was nothing compared to this whole year that I have spent since, trying to recover. Through it all, Dave has been right there beside me. He has never given up on me, even when I pushed him away and made life very difficult. I have the most patient and wonderful husband in the whole world, and I know that without him and our beautiful boys, I would not have had the strength to continue on this journey. That is why I want to thank them for standing by my side, and sometimes holding me up when I am struggling. I'm so blessed to be spending this Christmas at home with my family and friends, and I'm more than gratefu...

So far, I am really enjoying my winter break. Yesterday, I stayed in my pajamas all day, and it was glorious! I have really learned over the years not to stress myself out over the holidays and try to do too much. We didn't have the money to go overboard on gifts this year, and our family only buys gifts for the kids, so I really don't have that much to wrap tonight. We decided that we would go and see a movie this afternoon, so that will be fun. I just love being around my family, so that is the best part of this break. We had a dusting of snow last night, but I'm really hoping that we get more. Our yard needs a snowman! I have some really cute scarfs to accessorize him with this year. Well, that is all for now. I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I have been blessed with such wonderful friends and family, and I love you all! Consider yourself hugged. Much love, Angie

I have been baking all afternoon, and well into the evening. I started with the sweet, and spicey aroma of gingerbread, and ended with my Italian grandmothers delicious anise flavored biscotti. I had help rolling and dipping from my youngest son, Roman. He was a very welcomed helper! Nani's Biscotti 6 eggs 1tsp. vanilla 1C. melted shortening 1C. sugar Mix together Add 7 tsp. baking powder 4C. flour 2T. anise seed Mix well Roll into 1/2 tsp. balls Bake at 350 for 8 minutes and dip into powdered sugar frosting. Enjoy!

I'm bored today. It is too cold to step outside of this house. Luckily, I have all of my Christmas shopping done, so I didn't have to go anywhere. I did a bit of cleaning and some laundry, but other than that, all I have done is huddle over my laptop with a fleece blanket draped over my shoulders, sipping hot green tea and surfing the net. The temperature here is in the low single digits at the moment, and I want to kill my dog everytime she scratches on the backdoor to be let outside. Why didn't we go to Florida for Christmas this year? Oh yeah...we couldn't afford to. Next year, maybe we will just skip gifts, and start saving our money for airfare. I really miss my family! Tomorrow I am going to do some baking, but it won't be the same without my mom. Hopefully I can talk some of the boys into helping me. I plan on baking some gingerbread, and my Nani's biscotti recipe which is flavored with anise and is so yummy with coffee. I will post the recipe and a pictu...

Today is the first day of my winter break, and I was most certainly ready for it this year. Work has been stressful. I've realized that I really don't like change, and I have had to work at a lot of different schools in the past few weeks. It is like starting a new job all over again, and it is hard to feel comfortable at first. I guess I will have to get used to it though, as it is just part of the job. I have been spoiled the past few years because I have been with the same student, in the same school, and I am attached to both her, and the staff there, but she will most likely graduate this year, and also hasn't been attending regularly. I think that maybe she is finished with school, and is just ready to move on, although I think the socialization and time spent with her peers is still very important. Anyway...enough work talk! I'm on vacation! Woo hoo!!! I'm going to go and get my hair cut today, and then do a little Christmas shopping. I'm hoping that the ...

This is the second day that I have stayed home from work because I'm sick. It's just a nasty cold with a fever and cough, but the headache is what's killing me. I just want to feel good again. This is not the best time of year to be under the weather. I have missed a lot of work this year already. I think that I may have run out of sick days, and that's not good. Oh well, that's enough complaining! What has really been on my mind the past few days is a letter that I received from my dad on Tuesday. The last time I had spoken to my dad was over six years ago on the phone when I told him that I didn't want to have any further contact with him. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser who had disappointed and hurt me too many times in my life, and I had finally had enough. It was actually a relief not to have him in my life anymore. One of the things that he doesn't know is that I was raped when I was eleven, and in his care. My brother and I were staying the summer ...

Well, our Christmas tree is decorated, and the stockings have been hung. I should be feeling festive, but I have a sore throat, and I'm losing my voice, so that is putting a damper on my mood. My husband thinks it's good that I'm losing my voice. He's so funny! This day went by really fast, unfortunately. I hate that the weekends just seem to fly by. I have only nine more working days left before my Christmas vacation. I'm off from Dec. 19th-Jan.7th, and I can't wait! We don't have any plans for the holiday's. We are staying in town. I wish my brother and parents were coming to visit or we could visit them, but money is just too tight for everyone this year. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time getting excited about the holidays. I'm going to miss my family, and especially my mom, because we always have so much fun baking together. Hopefully next year we can all be together. I also started sorting through my poetry today. I'm trying to fi...

I love the feeling of having the whole weekend ahead of me. We bought a new Christmas tree yesterday, so I'm excited to put on some holiday tunes and decorate my house for the season. I'm sure that will help to give me some Christmas spirit. Now if we could only get some snow, I would really be happy. In therapy news this week, I had a rough session on Wednesday, and couldn't wait to get out of there. I'm getting discouraged with my progress and feel very apathetic to change right now. My therapist called me the day after our session to see how I was doing, and I told her how frustrated I'm feeling. She suggested that I take a break from seeing her and my nutritionist over my holiday vacation, and I felt a huge sense of relief when she said that. I think that I'm burnt out, and could use a break. Hopefully that will pull me out of this rut that I'm in. She also thinks that it would be a good idea to start working on my poetry book. My therapist is an awesome...

I know, I know...I'm on a Bernadette Peters kick! I just love this song though. No One Is Alone No one here to guide you, Now you're on your own. Only me beside you . . . Still, you're not alone. No one is alone, truly. No one is alone. Sometimes people leave you Halfway through the wood. Others may deceive you You decide what's good. You decide alone, But no one is alone. People make mistakes, Fathers, mothers, People make mistakes Holding to their own, Thinking they're alone. Honor their mistakes Everybody makes one another's terrible mistakes. Witches can be right, Giants can be good. You decide what's right You decide what's good. Just remember . . . Someone is on your side. Someone else is not. While you're seeing your side maybe you forgot: They are not alone. No one is alone. Hard to see the light now Just don't let it go. Things will come out right now We can make it so. Someone is on your side No one is alone. Music and Lyrics by Stephen...

In the dream, they are chasing me running in slow motion arms and legs too heavy. Their hot, angry breath on my neck and no one can hear me scream. The first thing that I do when I wake up is to tentatively run my fingers along my rib cage and down to my hips, longing to feel the comfort of my own bones beneath my hands, but they are now covered with flesh. Too much flesh, I think. I could walk on the treadmill at three a.m., and no one would know. This is where my eating disordered mind has taken me this morning. A sweet distraction. I realize this as I head downstairs to put on my Nike's, and make a detour to my computer to write instead. I suppose that I recognize where this disease wants to take me, and that is half of the battle. The other half is actually having the willpower to win, and I wonder...do I have it in me? I miss my bones, and why? What do they represent? I used to feel such a sense of accomplishment when I could feel the sharp angles through my skin. I'm a fa...

I love the lyrics to this song because it makes me realize how blessed I am to have the love of my husband. He makes me so happy to be alive and sharing this life with him. Being Alive Someone to hold you too close Someone to hurt you too deep Someone to sit in your chair And ruin your sleep And make you aware of being alive Someone to need you too much Someone to know you too well Someone to pull you up short And put you through hell And give you support for being alive - being alive Make me alive, make me confused Mock me with praise, let me be used Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive. Somebody hold me too close Somebody force me to care Somebody make me come through I'll always be there As frightened as you of being alive Being alive, being alive Someone you have to let in Someone whose feelings you spare Someone who, like it or not Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive Make me alive, make me confused Mock me with praise, let me be used Vary my days, but ...

Today has not been bad for a Monday. I woke up this morning without feeling anxious, and that was a very nice change. I think my medication is starting to kick in, and the exercise has also really been helping. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good! The only thing that has been a problem has been not eating all of my meal plan. It is hard because I feel like I can't eat that much food, and I still feel like I need to lose weight. I always feel like I need to lose weight though. It is such a battle in my mind, but one I won't give up trying to fight. I think that I may have my nutritionist weigh me on Wednesday and see what she thinks. She wanted to weigh me at my last appointment to see if we needed to keep the meal plan the same, but I couldn't do it. Being weighed causes me so much anxiety, and right now, part of my reasoning is that I feel too fat to let anyone know what my weight is. I think that I would also be crushed if she told me that she thought that I could sta...