Here and Now

Yesterdays therapy session was really hard. The memories are hard to say out loud...and it hurt so bad. I cried all the way out of the office, all the way to my nutritionist session, all the way through the session, and then all the way home. I talked to my therapist this morning, and she said it sounds like I am grieving, and she is right. I have lost innocence to grieve over. Therapy and the whole relationship with my therapist is hard for me right now. It is a confusing relationship, and everytime that I think of it being over, I end up in tears. In fact it seems that I end up in tears about most everything lately. Although I know that I still have more work to do, I still really struggle with the whole patient-therapist relationship. She is like a second mother to me. She was the one that I e-mailed when I tried to kill myself. She is the one that I tell all of my secrets to. I trust her with everything that I am. She says that she will never go away, but how can that be true? Some...

Sometimes all it takes is new eyes or just to take a moment to close your own eyes to see... I had a breakthrough emergency therapy session yesterday! Without going into details, my therapist led me through a visualization exercise, and it was an amazing journey for me. I have felt such a sense of peace ever since, and just typing this brings tears to my eyes. There really is nothing else to say. I just wanted to share the moment!

Everything You ask of me "What am I to you?" Don't make me say out loud As if only I could shout Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend You keep the panic from creeping up my throat like wayward vines that threaten to choke And in the darkness of my mind your voice finds me softly Soothes me when I fear I've lost my way So, when you ask, "What am I to you?" as I stare silently at the ground Take my hand and feel what I can never say Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend Everything Angela Minard 2008

Deep inside, there is a part of me that believes that if I tried hard enough, I could somehow go back in time, changing the past forever. I'm certain that this magical thinking is what keeps me from reaching a state of acceptance, and yet, if only... Maybe this is why I struggled with the meaning of this quote that my therapist sent me. " Acceptance is giving up the hope of having a better past." I e-mailed my therapist about my frustration and confusion, and here was her kind reply. " We Cannot Change Our Past....we can only accept it and realize that the good, the bad, and the un-notable all helped to form us.....in your case it helped to form a grown woman who has compassion for others, a desire to help, an ability to not judge and a strength that is sometimes enough to strike others in awe.....your voice is there ....it is just taking a break.....believe, believe, believe." Thank you G.C.