Here and Now

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feelin...

Your Eyes Sometimes I see your eyes Gold and green a flash in my mind that sets off a chain reaction of feelings Daydreams and longing that have to be pushed down below the surface hoping they will slip away too far for me to reach It all lies beyond my fingertips that once touched yours Memories rewound and played over and over again are mindfully being put on a shelf eventually left to gather dust and yet, sometimes... I still see your eyes Angela Minard 2010©

Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-) Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mai...

My first panic attack happened on the way to the hospital. My husband had just undergone his second craniotomy to remove a brain tumor, and was horribly ill with meningitis. I thought I was going to lose him, and everything all at once felt like it was closing in on me. Suddenly I couldn't hear anything, my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I was trapped inside the confines of my car and overwhelmed with fear. They always happen when I'm in my car. My mind wanders, churning with thoughts, and usually they are worrisome thoughts, filled with what ifs. What if this happens, what if that happens? I'm never in the present moment. I pull over, and sometimes I literally have to smack myself in the face a couple of times. I often call my therapist who will talk me through it, and help me slow down my breathing. I've had three in the past two weeks. She says that the increase is because I'm eating more, and all of the feelin...

A Piece Of Her The cigarette holes in her house dresses used to scare me, (that is what old ladies wear when they aren't going anywhere) which she seldom did. I didn't want to sit in her lap because of those burns. She smelled of talc and Estee Lauder perfume, and when she did go out, she would get all dressed up, even to go to the grocery store. I'm like her in that way. Funny, the things you inherit. I like having a piece of her inside of me. The idea that no one ever really goes away for good is comforting. I'm not sure why she is on my mind. Maybe it is to teach me that love is never lost, like a built in compass placed in the heart. I will find my way. Angela Minard 2010©

Wondering, Wishes, And Such I often wonder to myself Never aloud or maybe the wondering is more like wishing and to do it aloud would somehow jinx it so I keep it all tucked away whispers in my head Please, oh please Hoping the silence creates magic and one day I will wake up and it won't even cross my mind not once Angela Minard 2 010©

"And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, ...when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh, is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest?" - "For What Binds Us", by Jane Hirshfield I've never thought of looking at my wounds and scars as small triumphs, but they are. I was always ashamed for not fighting back...for somehow asking for it, as most survivors of rape do, but I'm coming to believe in my strength not as a victim, but as a true survivor. The mind has wonderful ways of protecting itself from painful memories, but eventually those memories rise to the surface. Dealing with the memories is certainly painful, but also freeing. My silence served a purpose, but my voice is now longing to be heard. I'm beginning to talk, I write, and in doing those things,...

“My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul” ~Shakespeare Sometime I feel the grief swelling inside of my chest, and it overwhelms me to the depths of despair. It follows me around like thunder in my soul, pounding in my ears...a heavy weight that bears down on top of me. I want it to go away, and yet it almost feels good to hurt. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings is helping me to heal, so I keep on fighting not to push it away. I understand my reticence to go through this because it hurts like nothing else that I've ever felt. It makes me dread even more the loss of those that I love, if that makes any sense. Grieving all that I've lost...time, and the child that I was, has changed who I am, but it has also made me stronger. It makes me want to hold on even more tightly to what I have, so I'm holding on, and letting go.

"We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin." ~André Berthiaume I've often wondered if the masks that we wear become who we really are. Everyone wears one at certain times to protect themselves, but often we hide behind them permanently, losing our true selves. The mask is who I always wished I could be...happy, kind, carefree, compassionate, but the truth is that I am all of those things, just not all of the time. I hid my pain behind a smile because I didn't want to feel it, and I wishfully thought that if I ignored it, it would all go away. I couldn't live that way forever, and now it is like the dam broke, and all of those feelings that I stuffed down are now pouring out all over the place. I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and my therapist wanted me to read one of my poems out loud. I choked on the words, sobbing through the whole thing. Feelings that were buried so deep are finally coming to the surface,...

I'm really surprised at how well I'm doing with food right now. I'm not sure what triggered this turn around, but I'm trying not to question it, and just go with it. I ate dinner last night, and I struggled with how I felt afterwards, but the feeling passed eventually. I have irrational thoughts, but I voiced the thought I was having to my husband, and he said, "Is that you talking, or the eating disorder?" That helped me to realize that my mind wasn't in the right place, and that I couldn't have possibly grown bigger in the short amount of time that it had taken me to eat dinner. I know that sounds crazy, but it is seriously what I thought! Feeling full scares me, but feeling hungry also scares me. When I'm hungry, I'm afraid that when I do eat, I will eat too much, and when I'm full, I'm afraid that I've eaten too much, and I'm going to gain weight. I know that this is a process, and that if I continue to consistently eat, the...

This was my daily Tarot card for today, and I love it! I love how it says to make the most of the now. That is really what I'm trying to do. I feel so positive, and like I can finally move forward. The Star Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it carries blessing with it.

Each memory washes over me, and instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I'm allowing them to come. They blow through me...waves of pain, but with every breath, I feel them crashing against the shore and floating away with the tide. One of the memories I have is of "The hands." I wrote the poem below, and after it was finished, I actually felt like I could truly breathe, as if the hands had been suffocating me for so very long. In letting go, there is also a strange sadness that I don't quite understand yet. I feel an ache so tangible that I can almost reach out and touch it. Part of me longs for the numbness to return, and I know how to find it. I spend a lot of energy pushing it away...fighting the eating disorder and fighting to stay present. I want my life back.

The Hands Fire on skin screaming flesh crawling filth The hands clamped over mouth eyes focused in the dark talking silently to myself praying for forgiveness lying in shame The hands held down each heavy limb paralyzed with fear gasping for breath The hands frantic fury burning with rage my soul buried alive A little girl hiding inside forever remembering The hands Angela Minard 2010©

Half Life It's been over half of our lives now a patchwork of years woven together, stitches of time... Linen and lace The cloth threadbare and worn in places Needles piercing the skin Tattered hearts mended with trembling hands the fabric sewn stronger than before Denim and velvet each unraveled square Dangling strings knotted and tied Forever entwined... Angela Minard 2010©

Someone commented on my last blog post and said, "What a rollercoaster ride." I suppose it does seem like I'm up and down a lot, but I'm tired of worrying about when I'm going to be down again. I need to be living in the moment, so that is what I'm going to do. It is nice not to dread getting up in the morning and facing the day. I'm feeling good, and have more energy since I've been eating. That's not a surprise, but the voice of an eating disorder often has other things to say! That voice has been quiet for a week now, and it feels so peaceful in my head. I think the hunger caused me to be more anxious than I realized. Last night I ate dinner with my husband, and he actually thanked me for eating with him. I also didn't realize how my not eating affected my family. It kept me separate and isolated from them, and that is not what I want. My therapist and nutritionist want me to sit at the table with everyone even if I can't eat, and that t...

I am on day 7 of doing well with my eating, and I'm not really having many uncomfortable emotions. I'm also feeling pretty good about my body. I only wish that I didn't rely on other's perceptions of what I look like. There are people at work that are always telling me how thin I am, and although I have a hard time comprehending that, I do have to say that it makes me feel good. I would like to believe it for myself though, and I also wish that being thin wasn't so important to me. That is something that I will work on, among other things. I feel more alive than I've felt in awhile. My therapy helped so much last week, and so did the talk with my nutritionist. She gave me some ideas for small steps that I could make with my meal plan that wouldn't overwhelm me. I'm slowly adding food, and I'm up to eating two protein bars and dinner. I know it's not all that I need, but it is what I feel comfortable with right now. At my last therapy session, my ...

I've had a good weekend. Dave and I went out on Friday night, and that was fun, and much needed. I needed to laugh with friends and let loose. I feel like I've been tied in knots for weeks. I've also done really well with food in the past four days, and yes, I'm counting the days. They are important. I ate dinner last night with my family, which hasn't happened a lot lately, and strangely, I haven't felt guilty for the food that I've eaten. I think that I'm finally getting that I must take care of myself in order to feel good about myself. I didn't think that I was going to be able to turn things around. I felt so stuck. My therapy sessions helped this week. One session was spent talking to my therapists back, but I was able to speak. I couldn't bear to see her eyes for some reason, but the words came spilling out, and it was a relief. The next session was spent sobbing huge, ugly tears, but the world didn't end. The pain didn't rip me ap...