Here and Now

Illusions Ahhh... so I'm talking again to you or perhaps it is only the illusion of a confidant the perfect silent friend nodding in agreement tagging along with my brilliant ideas nudging me with your elbow winking in conspiracy two vagabonds running wild I will play along for the ride knowing deep in my heart that you are a trickster masquerading as the nurturing creator Hiding your wicked smile as if I could not see that your  nightmares are brighter than my fireworks screaming white noise Simply try to close your eyes Ahhh... so I'm talking again to you or perhaps it is only an illusion... Angela Minard 2015©

My job requires me to move around quite frequently to different schools, so I may work with students for a short amount of time, train staff, and then move on. Many of the students that I work with are non verbal, and so most often I do not know how my abrupt departure affects them. At the beginning of the school year, I worked with a first grade boy diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He is an extremely intelligent and verbal child, who always let me know exactly what he was feeling and thinking! I only worked with him for 4 weeks, but he touched my heart, and telling him that I was leaving was difficult. Since I left, he has been sending me e-mails, and they can be quite heart wrenching. He asks why I left, and if he did something bad to make me leave. He apologizes for any misbehavior, and so when I write back I always try to reassure him that he didn't do anything to cause me to leave. I tell him that he is doing great on his own, and that another student needed my ...

Goodbye Before leaving we schedule appointments make lists check and double check stop the mail and newspaper delivery giving a neighbor the garage door code We pack and repack our suitcases left with the nagging feeling  that we have forgotten  what is important Before leaving we linger in doorways repeatedly glancing in the rear view mirror smoothing the wrinkles from our clothing and retracing each mistake  that brought us  to goodbye Angela Minard 2015© Photograpy by~ Cherilyn Ferroggiaro "Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever"

I don't know what to do with this sadness, and I realize that the main problem is feeling like I need to "do" something with it, or fix it in some way. I want to get around it, under it, over it, and totally away from it. This is how I've lived my life for a long time. I fix things, or ignore things, but allowing is one thing I talk about to others, and yet rarely do for myself. Allowing takes time, and I'm not sure I have the stamina for this much hurt, betrayal, anger, and loss. I cannot even manage a deep breath as I write these words. I want to help everyone else to heal, but can I do the really tough work to heal myself? 

Now In the darkest hours of early winter before the sky becomes shaded in somber grey and creatures of the night are silently watching only the haunted rise and roam filled with demons lost without darkness feeling blindly through the dissonant fog deftly searching fingertips you touch, you touch, you touch and breathe in  pain once again you touch, you touch, you touch and breathe in joy like fire there is no difference inhale exhale breathe Angela Minard 2015© "Allow  beauty to shatter you regularly. The loveliest people are the ones who have been  burnt and broken and torn at the seams, and yet still stand, their open hearts into the world to mend with love again, and again, and again. You must allow yourself to feel your life while your in it."~ Victoria Erickson

At The Party There was this sudden realization...  My heart immediately jumping into my throat  searching everywhere asking strangers where you were but they did not know you... Perhaps I did not know you after all of this time? You reappeared like magic finding me in a panic sobbing like an abandoned child "I would never leave you." "Don't you know that by now?" Each day I have to believe all over again as if preparing for a devastating loss because I remember what it was like to feel you slipping away  Angela Minard 2015©

Last evening my husband and I attended Satsang,  (which in Indian philosophy means to be in the company of the "highest truth")  at the beloved yoga studio where I practice and now also teach yoga. The studio was filled with many friends, and my amazing husband was beside me. It was a lovely way to celebrate the dawning of a new year, and also honor 2014. We were all asked to draw angel cards toward the end of the evening, so I closed my eyes, reached into the bowl, and drew my card. I held it in my hands for a few moments before glancing down and reading my card. My card had the word "Light" printed on it, and I could feel the tears forming behind my eyes. All year I had been listening to a song by India Arie titled "I Am Light" , and had even used that song to close my practicum yoga class because the lyrics hold deep meaning for me. I also thought about the year ahead, and my dream of bringing light to those struggling with eating disorders and ...