Here and Now

Each fold and sharp crease between thumbnail and stark white paper hisses with outrage refined angles cutting remarks behind a simpering smile shooting baskets with the misshapen wads aim and miss each paper crane is formed from everything she was told she lacked her many failures bent into the correct aesthetic shape forced to acquiesce  throbbing fingers crimp and tuck seething warmth rising with each crumpled mistake these messy pages tell her battled tale... -the lie of perfection Angela Minard©  Artwork by  Duy Huynh

A few posts back, I said that I wanted to clean my house, because I knew that if I did, it would make me feel better. Well, I cleaned from top to bottom, and I do feel better! Now that I feel better, I also feel the need to analyze why. It used to be that when I cleaned, it was a way to avoid feelings. I kept so busy with my kids, my house, and my anorexia, that I had no time to deal with the fact that I had been raped. I find it interesting that as soon as I started going to therapy and dealing with both the rape and the eating disorder, I totally let my house go. I became almost immobilized by fear, anxiety, and the unknown. I lost myself in nightmares, memories, flashbacks, and panic attacks, all the while, still trying to starve away the pain. You would think that there would be a weight lifted after telling a secret that you have kept for so long, but it is not like that. Telling a secret makes it real, and I never wanted it to be real. What does this have to do with a dirty house...