Here and Now

Yesterday I did it. I actually sat by the pool in my swim suit without the cover up! It was a huge deal for me, but I have really decided that I'm not going to let the eating disorder stop me from living my life. I'm proud of myself, but I'm struggling today with negative thoughts about my body, and feeling down in general. I talked with a friend about it and told her that I was having a hard time today and she said, "Ed is just trying to get back at you today but don't let him win. Keep fighting!" She is right, that is exactly what it is. The eating disorder is always the loudest when I'm winning. It hates that, and I need to remember that it is going to try with all of its might to hang on and keep me sick. It is hard when that voice in my head tells me how worthless and horrible I am. I've been fighting all day not to listen, and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself, but I have found myself in tears a few times. I called my mom and talked...

Dave and I had a great therapy session yesterday. He is pleased to see that my depression is lifting, and that I'm eating on a regular basis. It feels good to be able to laugh and smile again. Dave said that he missed being able to joke around with me. Depression really doesn't lend itself to a sense of humor, but I do feel like mine is coming back. It is as if we are falling in love all over again, and that is wonderful. Recognizing all of the qualities that we love about each other and cherishing the time we are able to spend together. I don't want to waste anymore time worrying about my body...trying to chase some kind of elusive perfection. I realize how pointless and counterproductive it is to all of my relationships. Claudia is very close to the curb! "To be nobody but yourself~ in a world which is doing it's best, night, and day, to make you like everybody else~ means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."...

I had my last therapy session before I leave for Renfrew. Dave went with me, and it was very emotionally draining for all of us. Even my therapist cried! She gave me her magic fairy doll that she has always kept in her office. She told me that it was very special to her, but that I could borrow it while I was away. She knows how much I always worry that people are going to leave me, so she figured that if she gave me something of hers that was important to her, then I would know that she wasn't going anywhere. She would still be here for me when I return. She made me promise to bring her fairy back safe and sound. She is just the best therapist. My nutritionist was also able to get me in tonight. I just really needed to be able to see her before I left. I feel such a huge connection with both my therapist and nutritionist. I am really going to miss them! ~ The Magic Fairy :) Tomorrow I go and get my lab work and EKG done, and then I will go and talk to my work about a leave of abs...