Here and Now

Today the preschool class that I work in went on a field trip to the Deanna Rose Childrens Farmstead . It is primarily an autism classroom along with four peer models. It was such a beautiful day here in Kansas City. It has been rainy here for many days, so it was nice to see the sun shining down this morning. We had a really great time! All of the kids were extremely good...no melt downs, no one got hurt, and we had plenty of adults available to help. The kids loved seeing all of the farm animals, and especially enjoyed feeding the goats, but I think the highlight was watching them each take a pony ride. Their little faces just lit up as soon as they sat on the saddle. The day couldn't have gone more smoothly. I got up again this morning and went walking with my neighbor. The alarm goes off at 4:45am, and boy is it hard to drag myself out of bed, but it is so worth it. I remind myself how energized I feel afterwards. I even came home after work and did some stretching, sit ups, an...

This weekend went by so fast, but I suppose that they always do. I have felt calm and relaxed for the past few days, and that is such a welcomed feeling from all of the anxiety and dread that has been washing over me for months. I'm determined to hang on to my hopefullness. This will always be the year that I attempted to take my own life, and I never again want to travel to such a dark and lonely place. I really am trying to take each day as it comes, to let go of the past, and not worry so much about what the future holds. I'm beginning to feel a sense of freedom...as if a great weight has been lifted from me, and although that sounds so cliche', it is an apt description. This school year is winding down, and I'm really getting excited about having the summer off, even though we really don't have any special plans yet. I have this great need for organization and self improvement lately, and summer will give me more free time to devote to those things. Right now, e...

My youngest son, Roman, broke his arm this week at basketball practice. He fell on it, so his season has ended prematurely:(. He doesn't seem too down about it though, so that is good. He is a happy-go-lucky kid, and makes me smile daily. His sense of humor is contagious, and he definitely has a zest for living, which also means that he plays hard. This is his second broken bone in less than two years! Having four boys means that life around here is never dull. This week seemed to fly by, which is a good thing. I'm so ready for this school year to be over, so that I can get to summer. I'm really looking forward to the break. Work went fairly well this week though. I have seen so much improvement in the student that I work with in the morning, and that always makes me feel good. I love the kids, but the adults...not so much. I had good therapy sessions this week, and we have decided to focus mainly on my body image, which is beyond horrible. We talked through and dissected ...

My pick for winner of American Idol ~Adam Lambert~ I'm just kicking back tonight, getting ready to watch American Idol , and sucking on a grape Tootsie Pop. I've really been in a very good mood so far this week, and my anxiety has decreased quite a bit since last week. No panic attacks, and that has been so nice! It was just last week that I was thinking that my medication wasn't working, and this week I feel great. I got up again this morning and walked with my neighbor, and maybe the exercise in the morning is boosting my mood. I think that it is helping me to start the day with less anxiety. I have therapy tomorrow, and I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. That is certainly a change! My therapist is always saying that eventually I will only have to see her for "tune ups," but to tell you the truth, I have very mixed feelings about that. I'm very attached to my therapist. I have been seeing her for over three years, and I will really miss her wh...

I read about this exercise on another blog called The Anatomy Of A Survivor , and I thought that it sounded like a good one to try for myself. A Letter To My Body Dear Body, I can find nothing about you to celebrate besides my children and it hurts. Your betrayal haunts me, and all of the rage that I feel is taken out on you. My silent hunger screams inside of your skin, but no matter how empty, the heavy weight of you will not let go. You only remind me to feel ashamed. Touched and taken with such hate that I find it hard to love you, and for that, I am truly sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. You should not have to ask for permission to exist. I'm still learning to let you take up the space that you deserve. The fullness and discomfort that I feel makes me want to crawl out from under you, but I will try to stay until... you become a part of me.

There are moments of clarity when I realize that I will no longer be able to hide behind my own self destruction. I will have to give it all up to be able to move on, and that scares the hell out of me. What is on the other side, I do not know, and the unknown is always frightening. I see a glimpse of my shadow reaching towards the light, and I recoil, afraid to be burned. There is the coolness of a gentle kiss on my forehead, the touch of a hand that finds it's way into the dark of my heart, and I do believe for that moment, that I will find my way.

I've been feeling really down and anxious lately, and I'm beginning to wonder if my medication is even working. The anxiety is getting bad, and I have had a few panic attacks in the last week. I know that it mostly has to do with stress at work. At the school that I work at in the morning, I was basically accused of not doing my job. A para that I work with has been saying things that are so untrue, but I was still called into a meeting with two of my supervisors over it. They want to make sure that I'm being a team player. It has really upset me, and makes working at that school very uncomfortable. I don't even know if my supervisors believe it or not, but even the thought that they do causes me so much anxiety. I've never been accused of not doing my job before! Working with adults can be so much more difficult than working with kids with special needs. It's ridiculous really that people can be so petty and mean. I guess it also bothers me to know that someone...

Twilight Lullaby The moon lay floating like a pearl against the blue sky ocean of lucent dreams. Through the sleepy half closed gaze of a star eyed child the birth of a new world spinning silent, undiscovered. Softly, the upturned palms reach, fingertips transparently gleaming, before falling against the coolness of dusky shadows. Angela Minard 2009©

I'm really feeling overwhemled with anxiety right now, and I'm not quite sure why. I've been feeling so good and proud about how I've been doing lately, but today isn't going so well. I think that when I'm eating and doing better with food, the feelings seem like too much to handle, and that is when I always seem to fall. Tonight Dave isn't home, and that isn't helping. Maybe I rely on him too much, but I feel lost and afraid when he isn't around. I hate how my emotions are all over the place, and I cannot even name the feelings that I'm having. It just comes out as a tremendous discomfort that feels hard to sit with, and I feel like crawling out of my skin. In therapy we talk about how eating and purging is a choice, and I know that it is. I know that it is my coping skill of choice, and maybe I'm feeling angry about having to give it up. I want to, but I'm also so terrified. I let go a little, and then I have to swim back to safety. I g...

I Am What I Am I try on the phrase "I am what I am" and long for it to fit. To wear those words deep inside my heart. To be proud and strong and not afraid of my own imperfections. To believe in my own uniqueness as a gift to this world. To see beyond a reflection that tells lies when I look into every mirror that I pass. To love what I hold on the inside, far beneath this skin that cages my soul. To allow myself the freedom to fly farther than my eyes can see. To be. Angela Minard 2009©

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk ...