45’s Hellish 4+ years= Anxiety

I wrote a post here about the recent presidential election. I composed it before we knew the outcome, and was so anxious, which is often when I write. I never published it. I knew things were going to be bad, but never dreamed the insurrection on January 6th would be one of the outcomes of 45’s hellish 4 years in office. I actually think the day he was sworn in is when my anxiety started to spiral. I started to feel increasingly unsafe, and I’m guessing that many trauma survivors would agree. Hell, not only trauma survivors, but minorities in general. 

Last year at the beginning of the pandemic, the anxiety that I’ve always struggled with ramped up to disproportionately high levels. I had a horrible panic attack and dissociative episode that landed me in the hospital. I had been off of all psychiatric medications for at least 7 years, but made the choice to resume an antidepressant. It did help the depression, but my anxiety was still fairly high, so with my treatment team, we started exploring some different anti-anxiety meds. It was challenging to find one that didn’t leave me with detrimental side effects. A month ago I tried Gabapentin, which is used to treat everything ranging from seizures and nerve pain, as well as anxiety. I became increasingly agitated while on it, with racing thoughts which then turned into constant suicidal ideation. I made a stupid Facebook post about saying goodbye or leaving Facebook which subsequently made someone call the police for a wellness check. I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on, so even though I hated that I blasted it on social media, I was in the planning stages of suicide. I’m grateful that it was caught, and had no idea that suicidal ideation was a possible side effect. The fallout from this has sky rocketed the anxiety, but I’m determined to climb my way back to health. I didn’t beat an eating disorder to succumb to the anxiety monster. I’m trying some homeopathic options for anxiety thanks to a dear friend who is a nutritionist, and hopefully now that people are being vaccinated life will begin to return to homeostasis. I even heard that Kansas is beginning to lift the mask mandate, which is encouraging. 

There are also some issues that I’m really going to focus on in the upcoming months, and one is on being a better communicator. I tend to bottle everything up and then eventually lash out in unhealthy ways. It alienates the people I love, and is basically self sabotage. I also want to work on acceptance instead of allowing my traumatic past to rule my life. I have overcome many adversities, and know I am more than strong enough! There is hope in my life and hope in the world despite the social and political unrest, and when I’m feeling stronger I want to be more of an advocate for change. Baby steps...

Freedom

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, and I told her about my problems with sleep, the racing thoughts, and the anxiety. I think the anxiety coincides with the racing thoughts. My mind gets stuck on a loop of past mistakes, or stupid little things that I've done or said, and I tend to replay them over and over again, until the anxiety builds up, and I walk around feeling like a horrible person. My psychiatrist changed the dosages on my medications and hopefully that will help. I hate having to rely on medication, but I'm facing the fact that I will probably be on them for a long time, if not the rest of my life. *SIGH* Half of my week is going to be spent seeing my treatment team. Tomorrow is therapy and Thursday is my nutritionist. I think that I've done better with food in the past few days. I ate what everyone else was eating for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I ate breakfast this morning. I get full so easily though because my stomach has shrunk due to the lack of food. I can barely stand the feeling of being full, so I really try to avoid it. I've been reading a lot of eating disorder books lately, trying to find answers for myself, and I often get overwhelmed with how far I have to go. It does help to read about the recovery journey's that other people have taken. I'm also inspired by many of the recovery blogs that I visit. I know that there is hope for me, and even when I feel like giving up, there is always an inner voice that whispers, "You can do it." The eating disorder is so loud that sometimes I can't hear it very well, but still I have faith that it is deep inside of me, hanging on tightly. I know that I hold on to the fear as if my life depended on it, and if I could only let go, I would see that there is freedom for me.

Derailed

The sentences run circles around my head, and I put them here, my own personal mind dump. I don't know what I would do without the release of words, and without someone to read, and "hear" me. It is not only the writing, but the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone.

I've been struggling since Thanksgiving. I'm up, down, and all over the place. I need to get back on track. I wonder why it is that I continue to derail myself, making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One thing that I've done is that I'm not taking my medications like I should be. Everyday when I take them, I'm reminded of all of the pain. I'm reminded that I will probably always need help. Sometimes I decide to go off my meds because I think that I'm fine without them, and I don't want to be reminded. I've made this mistake numerous times, and it never ends up well, so why don't I ever seem to learn? I lose all rational judgment when I do this, making poor choices across the board, and here I am again, calling myself an idiot. I'm sorry to my family, who always gets hurt when I once again sabotage myself. My therapist will not be happy. I wonder when she will get fed up, when everyone will get fed up, and say that enough is enough? When will everyone get tired of my tests to see who will stick around? It really needs to stop. I know that I'm loved and cared for. I don't need to keep doing this. I don't want to end up back in the hospital this winter. I don't think my family can take another round. I want this year to be different, and only I can make it happen. I will stand back up on my own two feet, take a deep breath, and find the strength to forgive myself. I only hope that everyone else will be able to forgive me, yet again.

Lazy

I'm feeling a bit down and lethargic at the moment. I need to get back on track after our busy weekend. The reunion was fun, but maybe I'm too old to party two nights in a row! Sunday, all I did was lay around, and now I'm feeling guilty for being so unproductive. I slept in this morning, so I'm not off to a great start. I think part of the reason that I'm down is that I didn't refill my medication in a timely manner, and I've missed a couple of doses. I called in my prescription this morning though, so that will help. I know, I know...not good! I saw my psychiatrist on Saturday, and she gave me something that should help with my insomnia and racing thoughts. It is called Risperidone, and I only have to take it as needed. I hate taking more medication, but I will try it. God, it feels like I've tried just about everything!
In other news, son #4 left for basketball camp yesterday. He is staying in the dorms at KU, and probably causing all kinds of trouble by now! He was so excited to leave. Tomorrow we are going to visit and watch them play some scrimmages. I miss him already, so it will be good to see him. He called awhile ago, and wanted us to bring him more food, even though he left here with a bag full of snacks to fill the mini fridge. With the boys home all summer, there is always someone in the kitchen eating, and I spend a lot of my time at the grocery store. In fact, that is where I need to go right now, so I will end this post. Hope everyone has a great week:)

Strength

Ahhh, it's Friday! Although it was a short work week for me, it still felt long and slow. I'm dragging, and it doesn't help that I've been out of my anti-depressant all week. The pharmacy is having trouble getting it or something. I'm definitely feeling more down, which is to be expected, but I hate that I really am so dependent upon the medication. I know that the reality is that I will probably be on them all of my life, but it is irksome(that word makes me smile.) Anyway, the pharmacy called today, and my prescription is in, so I should be back to my oh, so happy self, very soon.

My therapy session on Wednesday was intense. We talked about how painful journaling has been, and we talked about how to deal with new memories. My way of dealing with any new memory has been to go back to the beginning and try to make some sort of sense out of what happened to me, but obviously that is counter productive because it will never make sense. It was wrong, and no matter what new information I have, it will always be wrong. I have to remember that I was not at fault, and that I only did what I thought I could do at the time to survive. My therapist tells me all of the time how strong I am, and I have a difficult time acknowledging those words. I don't feel strong now, but when I look back at the little girl that I was, I can see that she had so much strength and courage. I want to be able to own those words and apply them to the woman I am now. Most of the time, I feel like I'm a failure because of the ways in which I cope with the pain. The eating disorder, the suicide attempt, the alcohol abuse, the depression...those things make me feel like a failure. All that I can continue to do is to work on those things, and hopefully one day soon, I will find and feel the power of my own strength.

Just Snap Out Of It

The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really going to try to eat more this week. If I can focus on the holiday's and being connected to my family, I think that will help. This is my last week of work before Christmas break, and my parents will be here on Saturday. I can't wait to see them, and I know the boys are excited because they keep asking when they are getting here. We still haven't decorated or put up the tree, but it will definitely be done tomorrow. I can no longer put it off, and I just have to snap out of these blues.

Snap!

On The Inside

It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my mind getting in the way. My thoughts aren't even whole, complete thoughts, but fragments, and flashing images. I'm also going to talk to my psychiatrist about this, because it make me feel close to insanity, and it can't be normal. I just don't want to fall into the deep depression that I was in last year at this time. I can feel myself sinking, and I want to catch it before it gets that far. I'm glad that I can recognize the symptoms, and reach out for help. If lasts years suicide attempt has taught me anything, it is that I'm not alone with this. This time I'm going to use the support.

Worn, And Weary, But Not Giving Up

I have been too tired to do much of anything besides go to work, and my energy is at an all time low. The new medication that I'm taking causes drowsiness, and taking it 3-4 times a day is wiping me out. I'm feeling very frustrated and impatient. I'm following my meal plan the best that I can, and doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, so it is disheartening to not be filled with health and energy. I stopped taking the Lexapro, and my team has agreed that with everything that is going on with my body, it is probably not the best anti-depressant for me to be on. So far, I'm feeling okay without it. I'm just going to stay on the Abilify, and see how I do without an anti-depressant. There are just too many negative side effects, and it doesn't seem worth it. I want to be on the least amount of medications possible, while still being able to feel like my mood is stable. I have had a few panic attacks in the past week, but flashbacks and nightmares have really tapered off, and that has been wonderful. The flashbacks and nightmares can be so debilitating, so it has been nice to have a break from them. I do think that I'm moving forward in so many ways, and not tripping over myself so much. I'm trying harder to acknowledge the things in my life that are positive. I refuse to give up, even though my body isn't cooperating the way I want it to. I do feel like once I can make it past this minor glitch in my health, everything else will fall into place.

Mom To The Rescue

My mom is in town from Florida to help me organize my life, and I am so grateful. This fog of depression that I have been living under left me with little motivation or energy for much beyond going to work, and the necessities of daily living. I was too overwhelmed to even begin to tackle the mess that my house had become, and now that summer school is finished, with my mom's help, I can start digging myself out from under all of the rubble. I can feel my medication slowly beginning to kick back in, and hope is reappearing. We have been busy cleaning today, and having my mom nearby has been very calming. Sometimes it is only a mother who can make everything feel better, and I know how lucky I am to have her love and patience.

Out Is Through

"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately"

Alanis Morissette

I'm not sure why I thought that I could just stop taking my medication, but three weeks ago, that is what I did. I was having some side effects from my dosage being increased, and it's also very expensive, so I just stopped. My therapist was not happy with this decision, but I really thought that I would be okay. I was wrong. The panic attacks and jumpiness returned, along with sleepless nights and flashbacks. What ultimately sent me back to the pharmacy though, was the draining loss of all hope. I'm tired of disappointing myself and others by continuing to sabotage every effort that I make to get well. I'm not sure what it is that I'm so afraid of, but I do know that I have to push past the fear instead of becoming paralyzed by the unknown. There is a comfort in slipping back to nothingness, but with each slip, I'm also finding a darkness that defies feeling empty and numb. My fear of what lies beyond the darkness is what will hopefully push me all the way through to the other side.