Here and Now

I did manage to get some sleep last night. I've been up since 4:30 though. I had my computer packed away, but I pulled it back out for a nervous blogging session. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write out my thoughts and feelings. I suppose that on the outside I am always so busy hiding me feelings and putting on the happy mask that people expect. It is through writing that I can be free of all of that and just be me. I don't have to protect anyone from my words and feelings when I write them out. I especially try and protect my mother from my feelings of pain, because she always turns it around and makes it her fault, and I can't stand the guilt. The main reason that I could never tell her about the rape was because she would have blamed herself for sending me to my dads for the summer. She could have never known ahead of time how neglectfully my brother and I were going to be cared for. She already had such guilt over the divorce and all of the changes ...

My bag are sitting in the doorway of our bedroom and I'm fighting the tears. Since Dave and I started dating over twenty years ago, we have never been apart longer than a week. He is what keeps me connected to this world when I am ready to drift away, it is always for him that I return. I want to do this for me, but mostly I want to recover for all of us. Dave and the boys, and then me. As much as I want to get better, I also don't want to gain weight. I don't think that I need to gain weight. I just want to maintain if possible. I'm sure that is not realistic, but still, it is the direction that my thoughts travel. I'm afraid for tomorrow night. I have never stayed in a hotel by myself. I feel like an immature child who has to learn to do things by herself. Growing up is always so hard.

I finally gathered all of the boys together this morning so that I could tell them that I would be going away to Renfrew. I waited until Dave went upstairs to take a shower. I figured that I would be too emotional with him around. It went better than I expected. Only my oldest knew about the eating disorder, so I told all of them. My youngest said,"Is that why we never see you eat?" They were great though. My mom is coming to stay for the first week that I'm gone, so they are excited to see their grandma. Their lives really won't change that much. Dave is always home for them, and he is always the one who gets them up and ready for school. He is such a great dad, so that definitely makes it easier for me to leave. Today I am taking the two younger boys to the movies, and each is taking a friend. That is what they wanted to do for their "friend" birthday. We already celebrated with family. I'm also going to finish most of my packing. Dave just went to Wal...

This blog is dedicated to my step-dad. I even hate to use the word step-dad , because in my heart, since he came into my life, he has been my dad. My real dad. I don't know what it is about him, but we have always just"clicked." I have always known that he just accepts me for who I am. He loves me for who I am. Maybe that unconditional love paired with someone who DOES NOT have to love you is what is so powerful. I think the fact that he is part of my life is some kind of a miracle. He also happens to be quite the character! I wrote a poem about him that I may have shared before, but he is worth a re-post. He sent me an e-mail today that just shook me to the core. I don't think that he will mind if I share. Love is love. It doesn't matter who it is from. All that matters is that it is acknowledged, accepted, and returned. Portrait of My Father I see you with your head bent down, shoulders hunched, shuffling around the house in your black socks that leave balls of ...

This is so cute. It made me laugh today. Laughing is good!

I'm holding on to everything that I can right now. I'm holding on to Dave, my kids. I'm holding all of this love from everyone so deep inside of my heart. Holding on so tight that my whole entire being feels like an open wound. How many times can I say how very afraid I am? I'm so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. I hold on to Claudia(aka, my ED) more than anything or anyone else. I trust that she will always be here for me, and she certainly never lets me down! It is time though... Time to let go... Time to trust and believe in the one person who holds the key, and that is me. I hold the key. I have started packing for Renfrew. I'm taking the quilt from our bed. That will help to make me feel close to home. I bought an electric shaver so that I wouldn't have to go and ask for a razor everytime that I want to shave. Yesterday I went without makeup except for mascara, and I dyed my hair back to it's natural color. I won't have to worry so much abou...

Angela Minard c/o Renfrew Center 7700 Renfrew Lane, Coconut Creek, FL 33073 Mail would be nice... No pressure though.

The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile. Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes. I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight ...

These lyrics make me cry everytime that I hear this song. It makes me think of how much I wanted my mom during the rape. How I was calling to her in my head... How very alone I have felt for so long. No One Is Alone Stephen Sondheim Mother cannot guide you. Now you're on you're own. Only me beside you. Still, you're not alone. No one is alone, truly. No one is alone. Sometimes people leave you halfway through the wood. Others may deceive you. You decide what's good. You decide alone. But no one is alone. I wish... I know... Mother isn't here now. Wrong things, right things... Who knows what she'd say? Who can say what's true? Nothing's quite so clear now- Do things, fight things... Feel you've lost your way? You decide, but You are not alone, Believe me. No one is alone. No one is alone, Believe me. Truly... You move just a finger, Say the slightest word, Something's bound to linger, Be heard. No one acts alone. Careful, no one is alone. People m...

Today I am just trying to take each moment as it comes, but still, the emotion overwhelms me. I went this morning to have my lab work done. I have spoken with my supervisors at work, and now we are just dealing with the money and insurance issues. It is very hard not to feel like I'm a burden. This is going to wipe us out financially. I feel hopeful and hopeless all at the same time, which is very strange and frightening. I also feel such pressure from myself. My therapist says that there is no way that I can fail, but it is very hard from where I am sitting to see it that way. I do think about just ending all of this. I have never been in the place where I either want recovery so much, or I want to give up. I don't have an in between place anymore. The middle is purgatory. I'm so tired, my heart is skipping, and I would just like it to stop.

I cannot sleep tonight. The wind outside is rushing through the trees, and I have the strongest urge to fling open my front door and run howling through the darkness. Just run away... Such drama! It is 3:00 a.m. and I have four hours until I go and get all of my lab work done. I don't feel the least bit tired right now. My stomach is too tied up in knots to sleep, and my mind is just filled with to do lists, questions, and other random worries. Let's talk about the random worries~ I read through the Renfrew welcome packet and it lists what items you should bring, and what not to bring. No hair dye! This is a worry! I'm a bit obsessed with my roots. I dye my hair every few weeks. I'm not even sure what color my hair really is anymore, so I'm thinking that I should dye it darker so that the roots will be less noticeable. Hmmm... Also, no perfume because of the alcohol content. I rarely drink my perfume, but whatever. I will have roots and smell bad. I also am very att...

I had my last therapy session before I leave for Renfrew. Dave went with me, and it was very emotionally draining for all of us. Even my therapist cried! She gave me her magic fairy doll that she has always kept in her office. She told me that it was very special to her, but that I could borrow it while I was away. She knows how much I always worry that people are going to leave me, so she figured that if she gave me something of hers that was important to her, then I would know that she wasn't going anywhere. She would still be here for me when I return. She made me promise to bring her fairy back safe and sound. She is just the best therapist. My nutritionist was also able to get me in tonight. I just really needed to be able to see her before I left. I feel such a huge connection with both my therapist and nutritionist. I am really going to miss them! ~ The Magic Fairy :) Tomorrow I go and get my lab work and EKG done, and then I will go and talk to my work about a leave of abs...

This is a poem about how it feels to live with anorexia. The feelings and thoughts in my head that crowd all of the beauty from my world. I'm so tired of starving and punishing my body for something that others stole away from me. I still blame myself at this point, but maybe soon I will be able to turn the anger and rage away from myself. I long for peace... Hunger Pains Pure Empty Nothing More Needing Less Refuse The Feeling Embrace The Twisting Turning Churning Stomach Yearning Heart Missing Skipping Beating A Void Left Unfilled Hollow Vacant Abandoned Lonely Stripped Of Spirit Cleansed Within The Soul Calls Out For Solace Lacking Longing For Love Never Yielding Deny These Hunger Pains Angela Minard 2007

I just finished my phone interview with the nicest woman named Jessica. She was so wonderful, and put me at ease even though the questions were hard. I was totally honest about everything, which was tough! I'm waiting to get into my doc for labs and EKG, so if I can get those in the next day or two, my admission date will be on Tuesday, Nov. 20th. Holy crap! I'm literally scared shitless, and I know that is too much information, but what the hell. It's all between friends, right? I have so much to do. Telling work, the boys...I'm sick about it, but I know that it is what I need to do. I love all of you for the support, encouragement, and love you have given me throughout all of this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Much love, and many hugs, Angie

I'm just sitting here waiting for Renfrew to call me. I have a 2 hr phone intake interview at 9:00 a. m. I had to take the day off from work. I'm too much of a mess right now to go anyway! I can't even imagine why it would take 2 freaking hours on the phone, but whatever! I just can't wait to get it over with. My insurance has been cleared, so that is good. I just hate this waiting and wondering when I will leave. Most likely soon, which means that I will probably be gone for the holidays. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I cried off and on all day yesterday. Dave and I have a therapy appointment together with my therapist this evening, and I also see my nutritionist tonight. I have to go to my regular doctor and have a ton of lab work done, including an EKG, seven days prior to beein admitted. What in the world have I gotten myself into?

My therapist called this evening. She started the intake process and I will be getting a call from Renfrew in the next 24-48 hrs. I'm just so emotional and frightened right now. Fear of the unknown, I'm sure! I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon, so that should help calm me down some. At least I hope that it does:) My friend Jackie Heyen has also helped me so much through all of this. She has been through the inpatient program at Renfrew, and is probably the most recovered person that I know. She gives me hope, and for that, I am grateful!

Giving up Giving in Fighting in the dark is no way to win Blindly reaching for dreams remembered Almost forgotten... Listen to the rhythm The far off beat of a happy heart Hear the song that sings within... Soon your tune will breathe again Angela Minard 2007

The World Awaits Only a breath away Inhale! Take in the air Hear the silence The gentle touch Before it disappears Gazing ahead Life stretches Fathomless, limitless A child's delight Reaching upward The yearning soul Seeks the chance To take flight Angela Minard 2007

I had the greatest urge to go upstairs yesterday and chop off all of my hair. Maybe I'm related to Brittany Spears? Hmmmm... I resisted the urge, and instead I walked into the salon nearest to our house, and told THEM to chop it all off! I wasn't sure about it at first, but I like it. This morning it just took me 10 minutes of blow drying, and I was done. Here is a pic I just got off of the phone with my therapist, and she is calling Renfrew tomorrow to start my admission process. She was very excited that I came to this decision on my own. I'm relieved to hear that she isn't disappointed in me. That, for some reason, just really worried me. I'm relieved, but so terrified! There is so much to think about. Telling my work, telling the kids, my parents. I'm shaking just thinking about it. I feel in my heart that this is the right thing to do though. I need to do this for me, because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live. Much love to all of you. I'm blessed...

Dave went out to get donuts for the boys this morning. Krispy Kreme~ glazed, jelly, and custard filled. Like I'm going to eat any of them! Justice just said, "You can have one, mom. There are three left." I just nod my head at him. What am I going to say? That in my mind a single donut could turn me to blubber in a matter of seconds? Tonight we are celebrating birthdays. Justice turned 12 on Halloween, Roman will be 11 on Nov. 13th, and Christian turns 17 on Nov. 16th. We just do a big family party all at once since they are all so close together. It will help me to get out of my own head today. I need a vacation from me! I have this strange sudden urge to go and get all of my hair chopped off. Strange... Today will be filled with food~ Pizza for dinner, cake and ice cream... I will be expected to eat some of it, and I don't think that I can. Already I'm planning in my head... how to avoid the food... It will be hectic and busy with my neices here. That will help....

I'm angry because I am hungry~ Notice the similarities between those two words. All I can get down is hot chocolate and hot tea. I'm not thinking clearly. I don't have brain cells to really spare. I'm an idiot...How in the world did I get to this point? I will call a few treatment places tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. I know that my weight has nothing to do with how sick I am, but I feel as if I'm not thin enough to even consider in-patient. Too fat to worry about. How am I going to leave my family for a month or more. It sounds so selfish. What kind of mother leaves her kids. How will they understand this? God, this is hard. I do feel loved by so many people. That love is what drives me. I want to be able to deserve that love.

Last night I wrote a blog entry for only my husband to read. I have pushed him away, trying to put distance between us. I think it is my way of protecting myself if he were to give up on me. Who could blame him if he did? I was afraid to tell him that I need an in-patient treatment program. I feel like such a failure, and I'm ashamed of what he must see when he looks at me. He is everything. My whole world is in his eyes, and I'm slowly destroying everything we have. I wanted to explain how much I want my life back and how it feels like now or never for me. I know that he reads my blog, so all day I was sick with worry, fearing his disappointment in me, but when I came home he put his arms around me and told me to never doubt his love and commitment. He wants me to do whatever it takes to get well, so I'm going to call Renfrew for an intake interview, and get some more information on what I need to do to be admitted. I have so much to think about, and yet I'm afraid to ...

I'm in a scarey place right now, and really more afraid than I have ever been. I can't eat. I tried last night~a few bites of fish. I cried over a granola bar this morning before I finally gave up. I can't ask Dave for help, and I don't want to put him in the position of monitoring my food. I don't know if I can be accountable to myself at this point. I wanted to be able to do this on my own, but I'm not sure it is possible. I can't seem to handle dealing with all of the trauma stuff and feed myself at the same time. I think that maybe I need a safe place where there is emotional support to work through the food issues...where I won't be able to engage in harmful behaviors and use starving to cope. I need to learn how to eat, but I don't think that I can learn on my own. I can't seem to push myself hard enough. The fear gets in my way.

Another early morning, and the battle between my mind and my body begins. Again. I have every intention of giving up some of the behaviors that just fuel my downward spiral. I am too ashamed to even say what those behaviors are, and I'm definitely not proud of the things that I have done in order to hide from myself. I spent almost my entire life with the secret shame of being raped. When I let go of that secret, I almost felt as if I were mourning the loss of something that I held very dear. I felt so exposed that I began to find other secrets that I could keep. A way to keep something for just myself, and a way to distance myself from the very people that I trusted enough to tell. Who will be there to catch me when I fall? I want to believe and trust that I won't be abandoned, but I haven't been able to take that leap of faith. The secrets must end if I am to survive, and I do believe that I can let go of them. I am going to be honest in saying that right now I am activel...

I'm in a fog right now, and probably have no business writing, but my thoughts need a home, so here I am. This evening I had a therapy session and a nutritionist appointment. I went tonight with the belief that I was headed in the right direction toward recovery. I may have fooled myself, but my treatment team was far from fooled. My nutritionist feels that I am headed toward a serious relapse if I cannot gain control of all of my destructive behaviors, and she is right. I already feel too deep to dig myself out. One by one the behaviors creep in, sometimes one replacing another, until once again I am lost inside the safe white noise of my eating disorder. The obsessions begin, the secrets and lies, and I cannot find my way out. I continue to disappoint myself and others, and knowing this, the sadness is crushing me.

I started out my day today with the clear intentions of making it a positive day. Yes, occasionally a negative thought would enter my mind, but today the positive prevailed. Is it really as simple as that? No, not always, but I want to strive to reach for the light that surrounds me and leave the shadows behind. Why does it sometimes seem that the most simple of choices can feel so difficult? Choices though, are awfully nice to have. ~Henry David Thoreau~ "We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn."

The Key Speak! Internal heart Afraid to feel Locked inside silence Trapped beneath fear Caged and restless The thrashing of wings Yet, waiting... Dangling from a string. The weary, rusted hinges sing. Angela Minard 2007

I'm trying very hard to keep myself in the present. This disconnected place where I have been lost, is not where I want to stay. There is really not a reason for living in such a quiet, lonely place. It is not living. My therapist is right when she says that there is no joy without pain. I allow myself to connect, but then I fear the loss of the connection. I think that it always comes back to those feelings of "too much." In my mind, "too much" means "bad." I attempt to contain everything I am, everything I feel... All of my wants and needs contained inside the smallest package that I can sustain.