Here and Now

*I wrote this last week~   It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety.  Writing helps, and so here I am... I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, a...

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup They slither while they pass They slip away across the universe Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind Possessing and caressing me The Beatles I'm not sure why it is that I cry everyday lately. I didn't even cry this much when I was sad and depressed. Amidst the smiles and laughter, the tears come with no warning, and feelings that I can't even name wash over me. I feel good, and that feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I feel as if I'm residing in a foreign place, and that I could get lost at any moment. Maybe we are meant to feel both joy and sorrow at the same time. I've never been more aware of the life that was stolen from me, but also all of the many gifts and blessings that I have been given. Everything about this whole process of recovery is bittersweet, and it is a bit frightening to realize that I have finally run out of places to hide. What is even more amazing to me is...