Here and Now

Sometimes we move through our days in survival mode,  and how in the world does that even happen?  It just does... This was my day I'm struggling... I haven't slept much, and when I do sleep, I have bad dreams.  Still, here I am, on the other side,  heartbroken.... Instead of a positive mantra, all I hear is, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this." I CAN do this, but my energy is focused on these intense feelings of want.  I need to let go of wanting and needing because it only causes pain.  I don't truly want or need for anything.  I have everything, but I'm always searching for more.  It causes my suffering.  How many times have I said, "Let go of what is no longer serving you?"  This is what I need to do, but letting go is not what it seems to be.  It is not simple.  It takes time.  It takes more time than you will ever realize.  It will hurt It ...

I had a dream about a former friend the other night, and although I can't recall the details of the dream, upon waking, the loss was once again fresh and raw. I moved through my morning routine with the ache in my chest as I fed the dog, prepared coffee, and sat down at the computer. It was then that I noticed the date, the breath catching in my throat. It was her birthday. Our birthdays are precisely a week apart, and our wedding anniversaries exactly the same, except for the year. She was my maid of honor, she was at the birth of my first son, I sat on the crumpled bed in her room and cried with her when her dad passed away... we shared so much, and the loss still causes both pain and anger.  It is strange how the mind works, and I wonder if on some subconscious level, her birthday registered in my brain, even though it hadn't seemed to cross my mind at all. It has been 5 years since we have spoken, and I have changed in many ways, as I'm sure she has as well. ...

I am deeply and suddenly exhausted in a way that I think comes from surviving and living my life, which we are all doing in our own ways, but as a person with mental health issues, I am constantly having to find and use healthy coping skills. I am a highly anxious person which I think probably surprises many people, because I hide it well. My co-workers are always telling me how calm I am, but on the inside, I'm often tied in knots. I have been struggling with panic attacks, and intense worry over losing the important people in my life.  I hide because of shame. I have suffered since childhood with dissociative episodes, which means that it is common for me to lose chunks of time, where I remember nothing. It is how I coped with trauma, but now it is maladaptive, and no longer serves a purpose, and yet many things still trigger me to dissociate. I use a lot of energy trying to stay grounded, but also I'm worn out from the anxiety over whether or not I'm going to have...

    There is always the mirror, isn't there? A reflective distraction technique used to measure every perceived imperfection. We can tell ourselves that mirrors and numbers do not define our worth, but we still stand sideways, checking for bulging bellies, sagging bottoms, and widening hips. We plan extra workouts and elaborate cleanses to replace the thoughts of what we are actually afraid of losing. It certainly isn't extra weight or inches that we are terrified of, but we are masters at convincing ourselves otherwise. Self improvement is a national pastime, so what would we fill our time with if we weren't always so busy fixing the outer shells of who we are? Taking care of our health and wellness is important, although not for reasons of physical beauty, and yet that is what invades our minds with doubt and worry. As diligent as I am about relapse, eating disorders are sneaky, and there is always the mirror, isn't there?     "Beauty is not in t...

At The Party There was this sudden realization...  My heart immediately jumping into my throat  searching everywhere asking strangers where you were but they did not know you... Perhaps I did not know you after all of this time? You reappeared like magic finding me in a panic sobbing like an abandoned child "I would never leave you." "Don't you know that by now?" Each day I have to believe all over again as if preparing for a devastating loss because I remember what it was like to feel you slipping away  Angela Minard 2015©

Dedicated to all of the women lost to eating disorders, trauma, and depression.  Lost Girls We will always wait for you arms outstretched fingers reaching wanting, hoping the air pulsating,  throbbing  our hearts heavy Plum, orchid, periwinkle waiting, dripping, bleeding Unable to lift the weight of your head away from your neck Your  chin rests against your heart steady thrumming like a kitten you purr Humming breath your pulse racing ahead of your words Breathe, Breathe, please, breathe Flashes of you ... l aughing, smiling, pleading, crying We are here now  to keep you safe our bodies filled with your voice we will speak...                                             ...

I've lost another one of my little autism friends, and I'm heartbroken beyond belief. This is the second little one from this classroom that we have lost this year. He was playing outside this afternoon, and ran away from his parents. They couldn't find him, called the police to help look for him, and found him in a neighbors pool. He was a bright spot, with a brilliant smile, filled with exuberance for life, and spontaneous hugs. Tomorrow is the last day of school, and it will be so hard to walk into that classroom and not see his shining face. His light will be greatly missed.

I am having bouts of insomnia this week, and very restless when I do sleep. As a result a couple of people have been less than complimentary about my appearance. Someone actually said that I looked like death warmed over, and another just said that I looked tired. Both were men, of course! This has been a rough week with the loss of a friend. It is hard not to think about it all of the time, and it has been making me feel like I'm a failure as a person. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good at anything. Work can get me down when a student has a bad day. I often take it on myself. It is difficult not to blame myself, although I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. I have talked here before about how I'm constantly apologizing for things that I really don't have any control over. I'm aware of this, and although what happened this week has been a sort of set back, I'm not allowing it to affect my eating or my yoga practice. I've still been going all...

"Sometimes people leave you half way through the woods." Into the Woods I've lost my best friend that I have known since Jr. High. I'm devastated,and heartbroken. My drinking and illnesses have driven her away, and she says that she can no longer watch me self destruct. I've done some things that have hurt her, and she can't forgive me for them. It comes at a strange time, just as I'm getting a hold of my recovery, and starting to feel good about myself. It brings back the self doubt, and feelings that I'm a horrible person, and not good enough. She says that there is nothing that can change her mind, so I'm not even going to try. I thought that we had resolved our problems after a talk that we had a couple of months ago. I apologized for hurting her. She said that we could repair our relationship after that, but she feels our friendship is irreparable now. She kept cancelling plans that we had made, so I knew something was wrong, but I never thou...