Here and Now

I know that there are going to be days like this...days when I feel let down and disappointed, and days when I'm deeply sad. Today I feel out of control with my own emotions, and when that happens, my default is to reach for the eating disorder. I need to distract my mind from what is painful, and I don't know anything else that works as well. I know that I'm supposed to sit with the feelings, but I can't, I just can't today. I'm not going to cry over this or allow myself to be hurt. How many times do I keep trying? I know that if I allow myself one day to give in to the eating disorder, I will allow another, and then another. It is only one day. I will allow myself dinner, and tomorrow will be better. I can make it different. I cannot let other people or circumstances affect my recovery. I do know that I need to guard my heart better than I've been doing. I think if anything, I've learned a lesson. Some things are better left inside.

This is one of my favorite songs from the Broadway musical, Les Miserables, sung by Lea Salonga. I just thought I would share:) On My Own And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to And now the night is near Now I can make believe he's here Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him till morning Without him I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes And he has found me In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me forever and forever And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I ...

I'm confused when you call my e-mails poetry. I don't write poems I try to explain, but all you do is nod your head up and down, with a knowing smile. In the beginning I can barely speak without choking on the words, so you say,"Why don't you write a poem about it?" I sigh with frustration, and once again explain that I don't write poems. "Okay then, journal about it, bring it in, or don't, but you need to write, and you need to trust me." So I write, and you read, sitting across from me in your rolling leather chair with your bifocals perched on the end of your nose. I pace nervously around your small office, or I look at all of the titles of books on your bookshelves. I'm afraid for some reason to look at you, afraid of what you will see if you look at me. This is when I realize that I care very much about what you think of me, and the intensity of my feelings frightens me. I want to please you, and out of that intention comes my first poem...

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery I wish that I had taken more of the green beans. It was some sort of a casserole, and it tasted creamy, but getting seconds of anything was out of the question on any day of the year, and this day was not an exception. I still had my rules to adhere by. I took a little bit of everything that looked good, leaving anything that I knew I liked too much. It made me feel guilty to enjoy food. No one seemed to pay much attention to my plate, unlike years before when I was obviously too thin and needed to eat. There is a lot that I did with that inside of my head. Mainly I thought it meant that I must need to lose weight. "Do you have your appetite back yet?" my father-in-law asked soon after I had returned from treatment. If only it were that simple. I had never really lost it in the first place, but the smaller I became, the safer I felt. Somehow it made me feel invincible, and I was very skilled at starving myself, only it never was enough. Am ...

I have a thing for the color purple. I especially like to wear it. I think it started in high school with a pair of purple hiking boots. I loved those boots! I have many purple clothing items and accessories. Lets see...there is my purple purse and dangly Spanish hoop earrings with purple beads, and of course my cherished long purple sweater with the white fur trimmed hood, but never a purple coat. I've been on the lookout for years, until one day about two months ago when I saw IT. It was perfect, and warmer than my other coats I justified to my husband who said that I didn't need another coat. Of all places, it was at Sam's Club where I shopped weekly, so I was taunted everytime I went. I was surprised when I would go, and they weren't sold out. I guess not everyone is as passionate about purple as I am. Now Christmas is nearing and my husband asks me what I want this year. HELLO!!! I want that purple coat! Today we went to Sam's Club to buy my son a new hoodie, a...

The slate grey clouds are darker than the twilight sky, and the trees, with both graceful and gnarled branches, stand silhouetted against the dusk of night. The houses whirl by with golden lights appearing in windows, shadows moving behind curtains. The glass is foggy on the inside, so I write my name in cursive, which I've just learned, and then I draw a heart beside it. Pleased with myself, I smile outwardly, and catching a glimpse of my reflection, I make a funny face. The memory stops there, but I often go back to it. It is simple, and at a time in my life when I didn't have much to worry about. I've always loved car rides, as long as I'm the passenger. The world feels muted and I become mesmerized by the scenery blurring all around me. My mind feels pleasantly, unchemically buzzed, and all that I hear is white noise, tuning everything out. I welcome being outside of my head with it's twists, turns, and constant commotion. I don't find that very often anymor...

Besides having a cold with a very annoying cough, I'm doing well. Two of my sons celebrated birthdays this week. My youngest turned 14, and my oldest is now 20, so that means I have eaten dessert twice. Cheesecake and french silk pie! Eating anything after I have already eaten dinner is hard for me, but I did it. I admit to wanting to restrict for the rest of the week, but I'm really going to try hard not to. I'm always glad when I can sit at the kitchen table with my family. I miss so much when I don't participate. Last night one of the boys had recorded a conversation that he was having with his brothers, and then played it back to them while we were having dessert. I love hearing their laughter and the interactions they have between each other. It was a good time. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving break, and spending time with my family. All of the food during the holiday's really overwhelms me though. At work everyone is bringing food all of the time, and ...

Wanting More Focusing on your mouth as you speak Forgetting to breathe Standing and waiting Wanting to rest my mind You are right I will remember every detail The pen you nervously tap on the desk with a slight smile that plays across your lips Your voice is barely more than a whisper Once in awhile my eyes catch yours holding onto your gaze for a moment until you look questioningly at me I know that you want to know what I'm thinking "Will it be enough?" I don't know I've run out of words for now and what is left can only be felt beating inside of my heart Angela Minard 2010©

The Words Of My Heart are invisible scars carved below the surface Each sentence running through my veins Voicing my pain into the silence of your mind As you read, each word pulses inside of your head like the throbbing whisper of all that has gone unsaid No longer alone my soul is written on the page for you to hold on to and I can now let go Angela Minard 2010©

Couples therapy went fairly well I think. I was so anxious during the session though, that I'm not sure that I comprehended all that was said. I kept on feeling myself drifting away, and at one point my therapist had to say, "Angie, eyes on me." I had to force myself to tune in. It wasn't that I felt ganged up on or anything. It's just that we talked about ways in which my past affects my life now, and how it impacts on my lack of communication skills. My husband also isn't the best communicator, so we often tend to be disconnected from each other. I have to be honest in that I'm afraid to change what I'm doing. Our therapists talked about exposure therapy, and that I would have to force myself to ask for what I need. I'm afraid that if I ask, I won't get it, or that I'm asking for too much. I feel like I should be able to handle things on my own without help. The thought of continually asking for help or communicating that I'm struggli...

Although I feel calmer than I have in awhile, I've still been struggling with food. Part of the problem is that I have zero appetite. This morning my husband reminded me to grab a protein bar, and also pointed out that I didn't eat dinner last night. Honestly dinner slipped my mind, because I wasn't at all hungry, and then I fell asleep before everyone else ate. My husband has been great about fixing dinner for everyone because I've been so tired when I get home lately. Those busy little kindergarteners wear me out in the afternoon. It is hard when my appetite doesn't cue me to eat. I know that sticking with a meal plan would help me to stay on track, but the meal plan that my nutritionist would like me to follow seems like too much food to eat, especially every day. I know that is probably a cop out, but I'm so afraid that I will gain weight if I eat that much. I think that I just can't eat as much as everyone else does. I'm not unhappy with my weight t...

"If we were our name tags, If we were our rejections, If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you. If we were our indignities, If we were our successes, If we were our emotions I'd be joining you." I often think that all I am is my imperfections, flaws, and limitations. I wonder what is the point of my existence here, and do I make a difference. I have to remind myself that I'm not only my flaws or successes. I am here for a reason and a purpose, although I may never know what that is. We all touch each other, and impact upon this world in different and important ways. I feel tremendous guilt and shame that there have been times and attempts to want to end my life. It is my own self hatred that precipitates these feelings. When you don't love yourself, for whatever reasons, it makes it seem so simple to want to get out. All that I want is to be free of pain. When self medication doesn't work i.e. starving, drinking, self injury, etc..., the idea of ending i...

"I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb. Relief exists, I find it when I am cut." ~ Tiffany Arbuckle I have found many different ways to try to inflict pain on myself over the years. If I physically hurt myself, I found that I could numb all of the pain that I felt on the inside. That is a hard habit to break. I still have days of hunger, and days when I want to drink all of the pain away, though they are fewer and farther between. This week has been particularly difficult with the loss of one of my little friends, and I've found that I use those behaviors to cope with my feelings. Work has also been stressful, but I think that we have a new plan that will help with this child's behavior. If this doesn't work, then we will be sending him to a different classroom that has a safe room built in. Myself and other staff members were getting hit entirely too much, and it has not been a safe situation....

He had bright red hair, a smattering of freckles across his nose, and a shy, sweet smile. He was five years old, and in the softest voice he would call me Gigi. He was just the cutest little guy that I had been working with this year, and he passed away. He went home from school yesterday, took a nap, and didn't wake up. He had a seizure disorder, and they think that is what caused his death. I'm sick over it, and heartbroken for his family. I cannot even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm glad that I was able to spend some one on one time with him yesterday. I took him to music class, where he sat on the risers squirming while they sang "We're Going On A Bear Hunt." We walked back to class, singing on the way, his tiny hand holding mine. He will be greatly missed.

That I would be good even if I did nothing That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down That I would be good if I got and stayed sick That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth That I would be great if I was no longer queen That I would be grand if I was not all knowing That I would be loved even when I numb myself That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed That I would be loved even when I was fuming That I would be good even if I was clingy That I would be good even if I lost sanity That I would be good whether with or without you ~ Alanis Morissette So many times I've felt like a failure, and like I give up too easily on myself, and even other people. I feel such a distance between myself and everyone else, and that makes for a very lonely existence. I'm afraid that if anyone gets too close they will see all of my faults, and stop caring about me. I'm guarded...