Here and Now

It has been a long week, and I'm tired. Mostly, I'm tired of fighting the war in my head...the war with ghosts, and food, and fear. The day to day stuff of life is hard to deal with when my head is already so full. My #3 son was bullied after school today. My son is in the 8th grade, and a 9th grader that he doesn't even know started throwing rocks at him. My son asked him to stop, and when he wouldn't, I guess a scuffle ensued, and my son came home with a scraped up face. I will be calling the principle if this continues, but my husband wants to wait and see if it resolves itself, so for now, we won't be stepping in. I was so angry when I saw his face though, let me tell you! Tomorrow is his birthday. He's my Halloween baby. It always feels like it's something around here, but with four boys, I guess, what can I expect? I can never say that life is dull:-) Work is exhausting, as usual, but I do love it, and it's rewarding. I need a lot of breaks from it...

Yesterday was not a good day. Work was horrible. The student that I'm working with decided to target me with all of his aggression, and he threw a huge screaming tantrum that literally lasted for two hours, and during this time I was bit. I also had therapy last night, it was an emotional session, and I ended up drinking. We were talking about my fears about Dave, but then I brought up the subject of intercourse, and how that part of making love is so hard for me. It is physically painful and almost always triggers rape memories and flashbacks. Later that night, I came home, and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate some meatballs, and then felt so overwhelmingly horrible and disgusted with myself that I ended up purging, which I haven't done in quite awhile. The drinking was not a good idea at all, and I know this, but I continue to make bad choices when it comes to that. I stayed upstairs in my room, and in my mind, I couldn't stop having flashing memories of the rape. I call...

I feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit. I thought that the waiting and anticipation would be over by this time today, but no such luck. Dave's neurology appointment that was scheduled today had to be rescheduled for next week because his surgeon had an emergency surgery to perform. We found out yesterday, and I was so disappointed. It is so nerve wracking having to wait, and my anxiety is really high. I know that I shouldn't think the worst, but that is always what I have tended to do. I'm afraid of the disappointment, and I figure that if I think of the worst scenario and I don't get my hopes up, then it won't hurt so much if I get bad news. I'm ready to know what we are dealing with, so that we can move on, move forward, and make plans. It is hard. We know that the tumor is growing, thankfully slowly, but it is growing, and because it is touching the brain stem, it cannot at this point be totally removed. He has already gone through two surgeries, a...

Closure The words trip and stumble into the silence of the past. Reaching, they slip from my grasp. I strain to hear the voice of a child, lost in the far away fear. Wrapped in the darkness she calls to me for comfort, finally finding peace in the safety of my arms. Together we find forgiveness. Angela Minard 2009©

It has been a wet and cool autumn so far, here in Kansas. I'm off of work for a nice long weekend, and the break from school, and autism feels nice. Yesterday the house was filled with the smell of freshly baked apple crisp, and all of my boys were home, and thrilled to be eating it. It is one of the things that they often ask me to make for them. I loved spending the day with them, and being home with my husband. Today, I do have to work from home for a bit. I'm preparing a presentation at work on something called "The Theory Of Mind," which is a term used for individuals who have a difficult time being empathetic or putting themselves in someone else's shoes. People with autism often have difficulties with this aspect of socialization. I've been procrastinating all month, so now I really need to finish it this weekend. Work has really been good lately. The student that I'm working with has shown some major improvements, and I also received an awesome eva...

Autumn Departs Warm autumn breeze blows the leaves from the trees. Dancing Fire Twist and Tease Until October leaves. Angela Minard 2009©

Ahhhh, how often does fat talk play into our daily conversations? We talk about it with friends, co-worker's, and family members. There is always someone on a diet, someone talking about how they shouldn't eat this or that, someone complaining about how much they despise certain parts of their bodies. I do it, you do it, we all have done it at one time or another. It amazes me how often talk turns to weight, and how often others will make hurtful comments about someone else's weight. Too fat or too thin. I was around seven or eight when I began to worry about my weight. My aunts and grandmother were heavy, and constantly struggling with their weight. My mom was never happy with her body. I heard her often complaining about her calfs, her hips, her stomach. I took it all in, and when puberty hit, and my body seemed to betray me, I was horrified. I was somehow less than, but too much. It was such a contradiction, so of course, I was confused, and the confusion turned into sel...

I just had a pretty good sized bowl of chili for dinner. It was all that I could manage to allow myself for today, but that is okay. I sat down with my family, and Dave is home, so it was all good, and I enjoyed it. I don't really have much to say. I felt like writing here though, and maybe I'm hoping to sort through some thoughts that are swirling about. I had a rough night last night, and wasn't even able to write about it earlier. I had horrible nightmares all night, and finally went ahead and got up around 4:30 a.m. They were dreams about the rape, and feeling like I couldn't fight back. I could feel their hands everywhere, but could not move a muscle. It was horrifying. When I got up, I immediately got into the bathtub, which is a dangerous thing for me to do because I tend to dissociate when I do that, but I just had to get the feel of them off of me. Dave wasn't home yet, and I was feeling shaky, so I called my step dad and my mom, and tried to connect with e...

I'm awake at the crack of dawn, when I could be sleeping in. I just don't sleep well without Dave in bed next to me. He will be getting home sometime this afternoon though, and tomorrow morning I won't want to drag my sorry ass out of bed! I really kept myself busy this weekend, and it turned out to be a very good weekend. I went out for happy hour on Friday with some friends, and found myself eating breakfast at IHOP at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. It was a fun evening. I haven't stayed out partying that late in a very long time. On Saturday afternoon, I went with a friend to see the Andy Warhol exhibit, and then we went shopping. I bought some new yarn for scarf knitting, and started working on a scarf for my friend last night. It is soft and fuzzy, and I already love how it is turning out. I know that this post is probably a boring breakdown of my weekend, but I'm glad that I had things to do instead of sitting around and stewing in my own mind. I haven't d...

I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I ...

I often find myself clenching my teeth together throughout the day, and my jaws have been aching. I think it is mostly from stress and anxiety at work. My days seem to be getting better though. The student that I'm working with has shown some mild improvements, so hopefully the positive behavior supports are starting to work. He still wears me out! I had a nice compliment from a co-worker today. She said that she was impressed by how patient I am, and that made me feel really good because he is trying to wear me down, and I don't always feel so patient. It helps that I have been trying to eat more. I don't feel as depressed and hopeless as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and I'm back on all of my medications, so I'm sure that will also help with the depression and anxiety. I think that there is a part of me that is so scared to get better and let go of the eating disorder. What if I can't cope without it is what I think to myself....

Hearts And Spades Solitaire makes me sad. The cards flip before my eyes and the numbers blur. Meaningless release. I can't play. I watch from a distance so far. I can never reach beyond the hearts and spades. Angela Minard 2009©

I'm sick and whiny today. I have a sore throat, fever, and body aches. I was sent home from work early yesterday, and I can't believe that I'm sick over the weekend. I'm hoping this is just a little cold, and not H1N1. We had a boy in our class that was sent home with it, so I have been exposed. Other than getting sick, my week hasn't been too bad. I did have a scary incident with one of my students though. We went on a community based outing to a local restaurant for breakfast, and while we were sitting and waiting for our order, he knocked over three water glasses, which broke, and then he tried to put a piece of the broken glass in his mouth, which I luckily was able to get away from him. We immediately took him back to the bus, and he missed out on the pancakes that he really wanted. It was quite the outing! On the recovery front, I think that I'm doing better. I'm slowly increasing my food intake, and it seems to get easier the more that I do it. I fee...

This is just a quick post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I feel like I've been doing better since last week. I've increased my food intake some, and even ate chili at a friends house over the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. I can't believe how loud the eating disorder is, and how quickly it seemed to sneak up on me. Right here in this moment, I feel determined to beat this, and more positive than I have been in a while.

This week has been exhausting, which is why I've been missing. I thought that I would get a break at work since the aggressive student was moved to a new placement, but then at the last minute, we received a new student, equally as challenging. He just moved out of a residential treatment facility, and although smaller, and not as strong, still aggressive. He has been keeping me on my toes all week. I know that I need to keep my strength up, and I know that I need to eat, but my anxiety over food has been through the roof. I almost passed out in the shower on Wednesday, and I've been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot, so I need to turn this around. This is not what I want. Since that happened, I've been trying to eat. My nutritionist made me a modified meal plan to work from. It isn't up to the calories that I should be eating, but it is a start in the right direction. I also have to call her voice mail after every meal, and let her know what I've eaten. Yesterday...