Setting Goals

It has been a wet and cool autumn so far, here in Kansas.

I'm off of work for a nice long weekend, and the break from school, and autism feels nice. Yesterday the house was filled with the smell of freshly baked apple crisp, and all of my boys were home, and thrilled to be eating it. It is one of the things that they often ask me to make for them. I loved spending the day with them, and being home with my husband. Today, I do have to work from home for a bit. I'm preparing a presentation at work on something called "The Theory Of Mind," which is a term used for individuals who have a difficult time being empathetic or putting themselves in someone else's shoes. People with autism often have difficulties with this aspect of socialization. I've been procrastinating all month, so now I really need to finish it this weekend. Work has really been good lately. The student that I'm working with has shown some major improvements, and I also received an awesome evaluation from my supervisor. She said that I showed lots of expertise, insight, and initiative. Reading those words made me feel so good. I worry so much about my performance at work, and how others perceive me. I will take all of the self esteem building I can get!

Therapy this week felt overwhelming. We talked about the rape dream, and how I couldn't fight back. At other times when I've had this dream, I could fight them off, so we talked about why this time was different, and my therapist said, "It is because you are starving yourself." That shocked me, and also the word "starve" felt so harsh, although I know that is what I'm doing. It made sense to me, and made me aware of how much power I take away from myself when I allow the eating disorder to take over my life. I need to eat... something so basic, but it needs to happen. My assignment for yesterday was to eat three times, even if they were only snack sized portions. I realized that I like having a goal, but that the eating disorder is what usually sets my goals, so it was nice to have someone else set the goal for me, and I did it. I ate three times. That is something that I haven't done since school started. I had a yogurt in the morning, an apple in the afternoon, and a few bites of apple crisp, and three jalapeno poppers in the evening. I know it still isn't a lot of food, but if it starts to get me out of the habit of totally skipping meals, that would be a huge thing for me. I'm also off to a good start for today, with breakfast already covered. Wish me luck, and wishing everyone a wonderful autumn weekend!