Here and Now

If I give in, I'm a failure with my greedy wants and needs. I stand in the kitchen, open cupboards, examine the calorie contents of foods that I may allow myself, only to be riddled with guilt for even the thought of eating. Even the oatmeal and banana, which is what I have been subsisting on each day for weeks has become a source of anxiety. Do I really need it? I eat the banana because without the potassium, my hands, feet, and legs cramp up. The symptoms of the eating disorder are reminders that my body needs fuel, and yet I still deny myself. Right now I'm reading a book called "Gaining" The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, by Aimee Liu, hoping to find some secret to recovery. I read about the turning points of other women with anorexia, but all that most of them say is that they had to reach a point where they were just so tired of the tyrannical voices in their heads. I get tired too, but when will I get too tired? I rarely challenge that voice, instead ...

I've eaten well this week, and I tell myself that this is good, but still... I am afraid. I'm afraid to get undressed, to take a shower, to look at or even touch my body in any way. Claudia's voice whispers. It is an angry, hissing whisper, which tells me; she too, is filled with fear. Marya Hornbacher, author of the book Wasted says, "The voice of the eating disorder is stronger than any other voice in the world. I can only imagine, but it's got to be like the call of heroin, or alcohol, if you're an alcoholic or an addict. You will put aside everyone and everything, you will do exactly what you know is not right, for this voice. I called my eating disorder "The Bitch". She sort of sat on my shoulder and hissed in my ear. I mean, this is not hallucinating that there's someone on my shoulder hissing in my ear. But it really does feel like there is someone always behind you, watching what you do." I agree. The voice of my eating disorder is s...