I just cried for the first time in such a long time, during yoga no less. They were quiet and discreet tears, and I'm not sure that I feel any better. I don't know what I'm feeling lately, but I'm feeling, which my therapist says is a good sign that I'm healing. There is less dissociation,and less using eating disorder behaviors to numb myself. I called her tonight, and I'm asking more often for what I need from people. I do protect my husband from how I feel a lot of the time because I don't want him to worry, but it feels lonely sometimes. He has had to worry for me enough in the past, and I never want to be a burden, or want too much. I go through such phases of feeling good, and then fear creeps in. My yoga teacher was so kind and compassionate tonight. She asked if I was alright, and I was honest. She could tell that I was crying and she gave me a hug at the end of class,and told me, "This too shall pass." It is hard sometimes when people are kind to me. It breaks my heart in a way that is difficult to explain. It will pass. It always does. Yes, it always does.
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I think I understand. Sometimes we get so use to hearing people be so caring, polite, and sympathetic that we are sick of it in a way. I don't mean as in we don't appreciate it, but rather it begins to seem empty because we ourselves feel empty.
Sometimes, although not that often, I simply want someone to tell me to get up and stop being lazy. No one is going to do the healing work for you. No one ever tells me that because it breaks the rules. So I have to tell myself that.
You probably have no idea what I mean and that's probably a good thing.
My dad gets so frustrated with the situation sometimes. He wants to help me, he wants me to lean on him, he expects me to because that's what loved ones do. It's hard for him to understand how bad I feel each time my situation makes him cry. But I am beginning to realize something so simple. He feels far worse seeing me cry and not feeling like I am letting him be a shoulder to lean on, a emotional rock to prop me up. I think your family, especially your husband probably feels the same way.
Angela I have said this b4, I know I'm just a kid but you are welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to. (((HUG)))
Jaime,
I do understand what you mean, and I appreciate the offer to message you. You are a very wise kid :)
Thanks for the hugs, and sending one right back!
Angela, Healing can be so painful and so numbing. The fact that you are feeling is a good thing. It sounds like you are asking for what you need. This is great. Tears are part of healing a cleansing so to speak. You are doing good job, Hang in there.
Honey, that's what family is all about. We carry each others burdens when we can. It's not that it makes us worry, so much as we care that you're hurting. Don't ever be afraid to ask, because sometimes we have to ask the same from you. Love you so much, Mom
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