When You Are Away

When You Are Away

Your talk of horses comforts me

I imagine you riding along trails

The rhythmic beating of hooves

kicking dust into the wind

Your mind wandering

far away

Inside my head

I'm curled up on your sofa

cocooned within your four walls

The daylight fades

It always feels like winter

Maybe I will tell you

I dream of death

and my snow covered grave

I will try to hide the fact

that for a moment

I want to smile

You hold the reigns

speaking gently

I can hear your voice

from a distance

I feel the joyful pulsing

of your heart

as you ride away.

Angela Minard 2011©

Overwhelmed...

I have a broken pinky finger from blocking myself from getting hit in the face Tuesday at work. I don't think that I will be working with that student anymore unless some changes are made to his plan. The whole situation is so frustrating. I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I know that a lot of you will also say that I brought this on myself. I should have left sooner...I stayed home from work altogether today, which is more a mental health break than anything.

I also have a family thing going on, which is making me very emotional. I avoid talking much about my kids here to protect their privacy, but I have an 18 yr. old with autism, and he is going through a huge transition in his life which I don't think we were very prepared to deal with, and now it is staring us in the face. We have tried to let him be independent, but are realizing that he is going to need more help and assistance. He is struggling to find a job, and we haven't even taught him how to drive yet, because we don't think he is ready for the responsibility that would require. I filled out an on-line application for vocational rehabilitation services through the state. He has made such gains, and when he was 4 yrs. old, and non verbal, I never thought he would be as high functioning as he is, so I am very grateful for how far he has come, but maybe I was in some denial about how much help he would need as an adult with a disability. He was arrested last month for possession of marijuana, and his choice of friends is more than questionable. He wants so much to belong, and I think he is self medicating with the drugs. Monday, Dave and I are going with him to meet with his therapist. I wish we would have been more proactive, so I'm beating up on myself a bit. He has been pulling out the hair on his arms due to stress, so we increased his anti-depressant. Life feels overwhelming right now. I also can't do yoga with a broken finger, and that really pisses me off! Whine, whine, whine!!! Well, that is enough for now. If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for reading:)

From Out Of The Cave

This poem was posted by my friend Jenny on Cycle Of Healing. It really fits with how I've been feeling lately...

From Out The Cave

When you have been

at war with yourself

for so many years that

you have forgotten why,

when you have been driving

for hours and only

gradually begin to realize

that you have lost the way,

when you have cut

hastily into the fabric,

when you have signed

papers in distraction,

when it has been centuries

since you watched the sun set

or the rain fall, and the clouds,

drifting overhead, pass as flat

as anything on a postcard;

when, in the midst of these

everyday nightmares, you

understand that you could

wake up,

you could turn

and go back

to the last thing you

remember doing

with your whole heart:

that passionate kiss,

the brilliant drop of love

rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,

then you wake,

you stumble from your cave,

blinking in the sun,

naming every shadow

as it slips.

Joyce Sutphen

I'm Not Crazy...

“As a survivor of child sexual abuse, you have a lot to grieve for. You must grieve for the loss of your feelings. You must grieve for your abandonment. You must grieve for the past and grieve for the present, for the damages you now have to heal, for the time it takes, for the money it costs, for the relationships ruined, the pleasure missed. You grieve the opportunities lost while you were too busy coping.” The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

There is always the underlying grief sitting in my chest. What is lost only means that there is so much more to gain, but that can be hard to remember when you are in it. It seems like it takes actual effort to let it go. I breathe in and out during yoga, always it is the breath. Today I sat in the sun with friends surrounding me, and still I had to consciously inhale and exhale, letting the grief dissipate around me, knowing it would return, but letting it go all the same. Yes, I'm here, I'm now...always my mantra. How many people have to remind themselves of where they live, how old they are, who they live with,etc...I'm not crazy...I'm not...

You Are A Soul

You don't have a soul.

You are a soul.

You have a body." ~ C.S. Lewis

I love this quote because it reminds me that I am not my body. I am so much more than this outer shell that I inhabit. All of us are so much more, but sometimes the physical and what we see on the outside is who we believe we are. We worry so much about our appearance instead of cultivating all of the many gifts that we hold within. Our souls are what will continue to give, long after we are gone, if we allow all of the love that is inside to pour out, and onto those around us. I'm beginning to realize that when I take care of my body, it is a way of telling those close to me how much I love them. I'm learning that I cannot love anyone fully until I can love myself. It has taken me so much time to see this, and I need constant reminders.

I've been thinking a lot about my work situation. I've wasted so much of my life living in fear and being in pain. I want to wake up in the morning without a feeling of dread. Staying where I am triggers feelings of being out of control and trapped, which are horrible memories of being raped. Those memories need to lie dormant, not be constantly stirred up if I'm going to heal. Taking care of myself and my own basic needs do not come naturally to me. I have to work at it and pay attention when I'm causing myself harm. I'm often in denial about the ways that I hurt myself. Just because this is the truth doesn't make it any easier to walk away, and I'm still struggling with that decision.

Today is another day off of work for me. Yesterday I went to the dentist bright and early, went to my son's parent/teacher conference, and had an amazing yoga class in the evening. I was promptly asleep on the couch, curled up with my dog by 9:00 p.m. This morning I took an advanced yoga class, and there is always so much to learn. I love the challenge. Yesterday I was talking to a friend who was in-patient with me at Renfrew and we were talking about the difficulties with exercise, and becoming obsessed with it. She said that she wished there were personal trainers who were experienced in helping people with eating disorders. That is what I would like to do with my yoga practice someday is to help people who are struggling with balance and body image. It has really changed my perception of what my body can do versus what it looks like. Well, that is enough babbling for today. I wish everyone a fabulous weekend!

A Glutton For Punishment

Well, my sense of foreboding was pretty much right on target. The meeting for the student I work with did not go the way that I had hoped, and restraining him is back on the table. The safe room is only to be used as a last resort. I'm upset, and I know that I said I would be done if I had to restrain, but I went ahead and told them I would give it a try, and if it was too much, then I would want to be placed elsewhere. I know...I know...!!!! I'm a glutton for punishment, but I will give it a week and see how it goes. I know there are some people who are going to be disappointed in me for staying, and I know that no one wants to see me get hurt. My therapist thinks this is a form of self harm, and maybe she is right. I don't know...I have therapy tonight, and we will talk about it. That is all for now. I have some time off from work, and it will give me more time to think about it. Hope you all are having a fabulous week!

A Funny Feeling

This morning I woke up with a sense of foreboding and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is now the afternoon, and nothing bad has happened, so maybe it is the gloominess of the day. They did call an emergency meeting about the student that I work with. I have refused to work with him if the safe room is taken off of his plan. I spent all of last year having to restrain him, and it is just too much for me anymore. I'm waiting to hear how the meeting went. I'm proud of myself for not letting stress affect how I'm eating. I just finished having a sandwich and an apple. I've been planning ahead and taking the time to pack lunch and snacks everyday. This week is a short work week for me because of parent/teacher conferences, so I'm off both Thursday and Friday. Hopefully this bad feeling that I'm having will pass, and the day will be uneventfull. I will keep you all posted.

A Safe Place

I look back on my post from Monday, and realize what a long week it as been. Work has not been good. There are changes being made that I have no say or control over, even though it is my safety that is in jeopardy. This means that I'm going to have to stand up for myself, speak up, and do whatever I can do to take care of my own needs. This is something that I struggle with, but last year was spent being in physical danger daily. Things were supposed to change this year, but my work environment is no longer safe, and I will most likely have to request a change of placement. I feel sad. I care a great deal about the student that I work with, but one or both of us is going to get hurt in this situation as it remains. I have agonized over what to do, trying not to look at it as a failure on my part. Monday I will talk to my supervisors and give them my many reasons for not being able to stay, and see what happens from there. Changes always scare me, but maybe this is for the best.

Open Up The Doors

Is it too soon to say that I think I'm recovered? Probably, but I've been eating consistently for about a month. The whole body image thing still sucks, but my nutritionist says that is the last to go. I look, I criticize, and the feeling of taking up too much space can be overwhelming at times. What other people tell me they see is so confusing in my mind. The whole preoccupation with weight is something that occurs daily. It is a constant topic of conversation among my co-workers. Even the one male we have in the classroom talks about it because he used to be 100 lbs. overweight. Still, we have a candy jar in our room. I think in terms of good foods and bad foods, but I eat what my family eats, which isn't always what I feel safe eating. If I was left to my own devices, I would probably exist on protein bars, and yogurt. Sometimes when I add up in my head all that I've consumed in a day, I panic, so I do know that I still have more work to do. I know that I say all of the time how much yoga has changed me, and really I can't even explain it, but it inspires me to be better, to try harder, and to keep reaching. It is the one time of the day when my mind is totally clear, and the thoughts slow down. When I have something that I'm passionate about, I feel alive, and it renews my passion for other things in my life. Today I don't want to talk about pain. For today, I have let it go.

The Right To Innocence

“You may be afraid you will go crazy if you start opening up old wounds. But the truth is, the longer you put it off, the worse it will get. Dealing with sexual abuse is not a luxury; it is a necessity. And while the process of confronting and dealing with this issue is painful, it is less painful than ignoring it. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse have entirely repressed the horrifying memory of the abuse. But not remembering doesn’t protect you from being affected. Your symptoms may tell the story for you.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel

The longer I kept my secrets, the crazier I felt, until I no longer could keep it inside. I let my body speak for me, falling into the anorexia, dissociating to escape the pain. Everyday I have to hold onto myself because slipping away was my childhood coping skill. There have been many time that I have wondered why I opened up the wounds, because doing so hurt so much. I've wanted to get away, and I've tried. I've wanted to die, but here I am, stronger than I've ever been. I hope if you are reading this and holding on to your secrets, you will let them go. We all deserve to live a life of freedom and truth.

Tears

I just cried for the first time in such a long time, during yoga no less. They were quiet and discreet tears, and I'm not sure that I feel any better. I don't know what I'm feeling lately, but I'm feeling, which my therapist says is a good sign that I'm healing. There is less dissociation,and less using eating disorder behaviors to numb myself. I called her tonight, and I'm asking more often for what I need from people. I do protect my husband from how I feel a lot of the time because I don't want him to worry, but it feels lonely sometimes. He has had to worry for me enough in the past, and I never want to be a burden, or want too much. I go through such phases of feeling good, and then fear creeps in. My yoga teacher was so kind and compassionate tonight. She asked if I was alright, and I was honest. She could tell that I was crying and she gave me a hug at the end of class,and told me, "This too shall pass." It is hard sometimes when people are kind to me. It breaks my heart in a way that is difficult to explain. It will pass. It always does. Yes, it always does.

There Is Always Tomorrow

Today has been long, difficult, and both physically and emotionally exhausting. I'm not feeling like such a bad ass. I have some family worries on my mind, work got the better of me, and I have the bruises to prove it. I'm a bit overwhelmed tonight, and although I'm tired, I'm also dreading sleep. The nightmares were bad last night, waking up in a cold sweat several times, with panic gripping my chest. It will be okay...I know this. Tomorrow will be a new day to begin again, and although I can't really help the worry right now, I have to believe that things will work out the way they are meant to. I always manage to get through the tough times, maybe a little ragged around the edges, but still in one piece.

Bad Ass

Friends at work often tease me for being so soft spoken and non assertive. I'm afraid of rocking the boat, hurting feelings, and angry confrontations. I avoid those things at all cost. It is always at my own expense. I rarely speak up for myself, so it is easy to get taken advantage of, which I know is my own fault. After work on Friday, I met some co workers for drinks, and the waitress got our order wrong. One of my friends dared me to flag her down and tell her. They were all laughing, thinking that I wouldn't do it. I hesitated for a moment, and then boldly called her over, and it does feel very good to get what you want. Of course, you don't have to be rude about it when mistakes happen, and that is how I'm always afraid standing up for myself is going to come off. I've said here before, that I worry too much about what other people think of me. It is important for me to be liked, but deep down inside, there is also an inner bad ass waiting to be set free. I find myself wanting to stand tall, proud, and speak my truth. I have dreams of confronting my rapists with brutal rage. It has taken me so long to get angry, and it is frustrating not to be able to direct that anger anywhere. I used to turn it on myself, but those days are slowly dwindling away. I'm stronger and more confident than I used to be. I'm trying not to let the actions of others color the way I see myself. This past year left me feeling rejected with the loss of people who were important in my life. I took on all of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me, but it's not always about me! Now I can be sad, and miss those people without letting it tear down my self worth. I'm worth holding on to, and that is what I'm doing. I'm holding on to everything I am with acceptance, peace, and love. I used to carry with me the belief that I didn't matter or make a difference. It made it easy to treat myself with disdain. Now I have a renewed passion for living. I have dreams that I will work to make happen. I dream of teaching yoga to those who are suffering from eating disorders, trauma, and body image distortions. I would love to open up a therapeutic yoga studio focusing on healing the mind, body, and spirit. It has changed my life, and to have the ability to change even one other persons life would be satisfying. It feels good to be living in the moment, with hopes and dreams for the future. I may not be a bad ass, but I'm pretty tough;-)