Saturday, October 8, 2022
Posted by Angela at 6:02 PM 0 Comments
Labels: Confidence, self esteem, self validation
Monday, October 3, 2022
Perfectly Imperfect
I don’t write here much anymore, but I’m grateful for this space to be myself.
Looking back at this blog is like observing the process of growing up. I think I read somewhere that our emotional growth is stunted at the age that the trauma or traumas occurred, and I feel like when I began this blog in my early 40’s I was emotionally in the stage of adolescence. I was self absorbed, angry, confused, and scared most of the time. I began therapy in a state of complete denial. I was resistant to help or change, and yet there was this deeply buried sense of self love that I longed to find again. I believe we all begin our lives knowing our worth, but it is fragile and can easily be dismantled. Therapy was my first lifeline, along with people who stuck with me even when I was a royal pain in the ass! Sometimes growing up also means reconnecting to the child inside who forgot how to play and be light. Life is so fucking hard, but now I’m not the one making it difficult. I have tried to stop adding to the chaos, and that makes a huge difference.
My step dad died last November, and I miss him terribly. I love that he read this blog, and that his comments on my posts are still here for me to read.
Dave and I have three granddaughters and our sons are healthy and thriving. Dave still battles his brain tumor, and since it is growing back, he will be having a shunt placed soon to redirect the fluid that is blocking his 4th ventricle.
I’m teaching yoga full time between teaching at a few mental health facilities as well as a yoga studio and some private clients. I am grateful that my passion for yoga can also be my career.
I don’t feel the need to document my day to day existence anymore, but I’m also not merely existing. My inner and outer worlds are vibrant and I finally know and love the person I am. Perfectly Imperfect…
Posted by Angela at 11:04 PM 0 Comments
Labels: gratitude, grief, healing, life, relationships, Self care, self esteem, Therapy, trauma, writing, yoga
Friday, May 7, 2021
On Display
Angela Minard 2021©
Posted by Angela at 6:47 PM 0 Comments
Labels: ego, judgment, poetry, power, using my voice, vulnerability, weary, writing, writing to heal
Tuesday, May 4, 2021
Spider Spirit
I’m resting in the warmth of a late April morning that feels more like summer. Although I’m trying to be still, my mind dances with a partner I haven’t twirled with in such a long time. My eyes watch a small black spider moving robotically against the basement window, mesmerized by its sky blue markings that flash with the movement of sunlight being released from drifting clouds. I feel each jerking motion twitching though my own limbs as if we were one being; connected by earth and firmament. The wind is a roaring voice enveloping each thought
spinning it around in my mind,
and as my eyelids grow heavy
the thoughts change colors
azure to emerald
fading into the brilliance of iridescent pearls...
Angela Minard 2021©
Posted by Angela at 1:34 PM 0 Comments
Monday, May 3, 2021
Not The Cloak
Slipping from the edge of a dream into languid consciousness
the heavy hands of apprehension press insistently
weight bearing fear from sternum to pelvis
cemented limbs pulsing with a remembrance of familiar terror
plunging into a waking abyss
light body separating into the ethers
a hovering awareness
transmuted peace iridescent in its brilliance...
Angela Minard 2021©
Photography by Josephine Cardin
- “Know then that the body is merely a garment. Go seek the wearer, not the cloak.”~ Rumi
Posted by Angela at 7:04 PM 0 Comments
Sunday, May 2, 2021
Don’t Run Too Far
I still have that picture of you sitting on the school bus
I remember and know your face as well as I know my own
That far away look in your mossy green eyes
Only we know where we are and where we have been
The straight line of your mouth
chin close to quivering
and the freckles that dance along the bridge of your delicately shaped nose
We both know only too well how to distance ourselves from pain
how to find another self to slip into
like trying on a fancy new dress...
still an old soul
I can still hear your voice
and your cool hand in mine
When you run from the core of who you truly are
please don’t run too far...
Angela Minard 2021©
Posted by Angela at 8:34 PM 0 Comments
What Will You Choose?
Dreaming in watercolor
stained glass images
crystal clear mirage
the aspects of human nature
bleed my heart
seeping into the fluidity of my soul
blurring the lines of what it is to be authentic
are you a lie posing as a teacher?
ask yourself, not your ego
are you compassion and grace?
are you the mirror of truth
or falsifying your name?
Can you see beyond the shining colors
to the depths of human suffering?
Can you offer a warm hand
or a cold heart?
What will you choose?
Angela Minard 2021©
Watercolor Lotus Flower by Libby May
Posted by Angela at 8:30 PM 0 Comments
Labels: ego, expressive arts, expressive therapy, poetry, writing, yoga teacher
Wednesday, April 28, 2021
Sat Nam~Truth Is Your Name
Truth is your name, not the letters behind them, nor your diagnoses, those labels of wife, mother, sister, friend...
Breathe in your grace and exhale the stories that hold you back
Once I knew a quiet and watchful child who held fears hand
befriending a belly that fluttered
her sweet racing heart a constant companion
Insecurity weaved it’s way into every fiber of her tender being;
a sturdy fabric for such a delicate soul to wear
This is your time to undress without shame
to shrug the heaviness of that old and tattered garment off your weary shoulders
Drape yourself in the finest silks and gossamer threads
Inhale the heady fragrance of peace as you release the hand of fears icy grip
This is your time...
Angela Minard 2021©
Photography by~ Kristina Makeeva
Posted by Angela at 8:13 AM 0 Comments
Labels: healing, inner child, mental health, poetry, recovery, Sat Nam, Truth, writing, writing to heal, yoga teacher
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
Always, I Rise
Artwork by~ Masaaki Sasomoto
At the height of my eating disorder, when I was entrenched in anorexic behaviors, I also held a full time job working with children with autism and other developmental disabilities. The only time it affected my work was when I took a leave of absence to go into treatment. I have missed work at times for mental health days, and I think that almost everyone at some time in their work history has done that. I would rather take a day for self care than to be sub par at my work. For many people struggling with mental health, routines are a huge part of maintaining normalcy and stability. These days of having extra time on my hands not teaching at the studio have thrown off my routine. I miss the structure, but have found myself feeling more creative, and exploring new ideas. I don’t often embrace change, but it may be time to take more chances, and move out of my comfort zone a bit. I’ve been working on publishing a few volumes of poetry, as well as a memoir, while also finishing up my 300 hr. yoga training. Teaching yoga is still deeply nourishing, and there is always so much to continue learning, which keeps me engaged. I wouldn’t wish having a mental illness on anyone, but working through the challenges and taking steps toward healing is an accomplishment I’m proud to continue. Sometimes I get discouraged, but when I look back on all I’ve been through, these 12 years of overcoming anorexia, and climbing my way through the muck of trauma has been but a drop in the bucket of my 55 years on earth. Even though I have no idea what the future holds, I continue to move forward, often stumbling, but always, I rise.
Posted by Angela at 3:51 PM 0 Comments
Labels: anorexia, eating disorder recovery, healing, memoir writing, mental health, mental illness, poetry, publishing, recovery, trauma sensitive yoga, writing, yoga, yoga teacher, yoga training
Sunday, April 18, 2021
Throat Chakra
Weaving the threads of time into a tapestry
the yellow Canary symbolizes the power to control the voice, feelings, and emotions...
Strum the harp strings of your heart
carrying the echo of your song to the stars and beyond
Your infinite vibration rings strong and true...
Angela Minard 2021©
Posted by Angela at 1:01 PM 0 Comments
Labels: art therapy, expressive therapy, poetry, throat chakra, writing, writing to heal
Saturday, April 17, 2021
45’s Hellish 4+ years= Anxiety
I wrote a post here about the recent presidential election. I composed it before we knew the outcome, and was so anxious, which is often when I write. I never published it. I knew things were going to be bad, but never dreamed the insurrection on January 6th would be one of the outcomes of 45’s hellish 4 years in office. I actually think the day he was sworn in is when my anxiety started to spiral. I started to feel increasingly unsafe, and I’m guessing that many trauma survivors would agree. Hell, not only trauma survivors, but minorities in general.
Last year at the beginning of the pandemic, the anxiety that I’ve always struggled with ramped up to disproportionately high levels. I had a horrible panic attack and dissociative episode that landed me in the hospital. I had been off of all psychiatric medications for at least 7 years, but made the choice to resume an antidepressant. It did help the depression, but my anxiety was still fairly high, so with my treatment team, we started exploring some different anti-anxiety meds. It was challenging to find one that didn’t leave me with detrimental side effects. A month ago I tried Gabapentin, which is used to treat everything ranging from seizures and nerve pain, as well as anxiety. I became increasingly agitated while on it, with racing thoughts which then turned into constant suicidal ideation. I made a stupid Facebook post about saying goodbye or leaving Facebook which subsequently made someone call the police for a wellness check. I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on, so even though I hated that I blasted it on social media, I was in the planning stages of suicide. I’m grateful that it was caught, and had no idea that suicidal ideation was a possible side effect. The fallout from this has sky rocketed the anxiety, but I’m determined to climb my way back to health. I didn’t beat an eating disorder to succumb to the anxiety monster. I’m trying some homeopathic options for anxiety thanks to a dear friend who is a nutritionist, and hopefully now that people are being vaccinated life will begin to return to homeostasis. I even heard that Kansas is beginning to lift the mask mandate, which is encouraging.
There are also some issues that I’m really going to focus on in the upcoming months, and one is on being a better communicator. I tend to bottle everything up and then eventually lash out in unhealthy ways. It alienates the people I love, and is basically self sabotage. I also want to work on acceptance instead of allowing my traumatic past to rule my life. I have overcome many adversities, and know I am more than strong enough! There is hope in my life and hope in the world despite the social and political unrest, and when I’m feeling stronger I want to be more of an advocate for change. Baby steps...
Posted by Angela at 4:18 AM 1 Comments
Labels: 2020, anxiety, communication, covid19, election year, hope, medication, pandemic, trauma, writing
A Birdsong Lullaby
Even when you close your eyes
the chatter doesn’t stop
tap, tap, tapping on your shoulders
incessant chanting in your ears...
When escape is not possible
build a nest, and nourish fresh thoughts
while the words find a home to make sense and rest
Create a refuge;
a collage of fine twigs, downy feathers, and delicate baby’s breath
to line your heart with tender care
finally serenaded to sleep by a birdsong lullaby
Angela Minard 2021©
Artwork by Lucy Campbell
Posted by Angela at 3:07 AM 1 Comments
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
The Lie Of Perfection
Angela Minard©
Artwork by Duy Huynh
Posted by Angela at 5:45 AM 0 Comments
Labels: Anger, anorexia, body image, eating disorder, eating disorder recovery, perfectionism, poetry, writing, writing to heal
Monday, November 9, 2020
Transforming Darkness
quietly tugging my awareness skyward
Everywhere I went I could feel the fluttering of wings on my skin
like the sweet breath of angels
caressing the back of my weary neck
Perhaps I had been looking down for too long
the weight of darkness no longer screeching
but continuing to listen intently
as if silence was the monster hiding
While doing yard work on this atypically warm autumn day
I at first mistook the starlings that caught my eye
for swirling leaves
until their musical trilling filled the air
“Look up!” they seemed to be singing insistently
Pausing to rest
tilting my gaze to the heavens
my eyes widened as I watched in wonder
the transformation
from onyx starlings to opalescent doves
the honeyed sky dripping like slow rain
weightless...
cradled within the downy wings of protection
-You are safe
Angela Minard©
Posted by Angela at 2:29 PM 0 Comments
Labels: expressive arts, expressive therapy, poetry, transformation, writing, writing to heal
Friday, September 25, 2020
Only I Will Remain
The Third Eye by Rutuja Padwal
I’ve been dreaming quite often about being hospitalized due to mental illness. It could be because I’m struggling with my mental health, but I feel like many of us are struggling due to the pandemic. I’m not a stranger to needing inpatient treatment, but I’m not even close to that point at all. When I woke up from that dream this morning, I was acutely aware of how healthy I am compared to years ago. I’m not only healthier, but happier. I remember back to when I was working for the local school district, and barely being able to get out of bed. I was burnt out working with aggressive students, and deeply depressed. Now I am passionate about my work, and thankful that I survived that period of my life. I think that my schedule is in flux, and that throws me off. I also know that eventually it will be more consistent again, and so I work on being patient and compassionate with myself. I still see my therapist virtually, which is better than not seeing her at all, but of course it’s not the same. We all want things to go back to normal, and the fact is that it may be awhile, or perhaps never, and that is difficult to come to terms with at times. Because of my sexual assault, and being gagged during it, wearing a mask is extremely challenging. I have worked hard to increase the amount of time I can tolerate it, but it always causes anxiety. I would rather go nowhere than to wear one, but that’s not always an option. It’s funny how that trauma, which I had really worked through, can still side swipe me, and that makes me angry. This political climate wears on me; the hate, the anger, the inequality, the racism, and on and on...aren’t we all afraid? I know I am...
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
~Frank Herbert
Posted by Angela at 12:23 PM 0 Comments
Labels: healing, mental health, pandemic, writing, yoga teacher
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
Beyond the Pose
and flipping upside down
shifting perspectives
exploring the perimeters
a compass leading in all directions
Inhale
expanding freedom
Exhale
releasing into gravity
the outlines disappear
diving into presence
hold on tight
savor the moment
and then let it go
dancing with breath
leaning into life...
Angela Minard©
Posted by Angela at 9:49 AM 0 Comments
Labels: body image, healing, mindfulness, poetry, writing, yoga, yoga teacher
Sunday, September 20, 2020
Lucky White Rabbit
Lately when my mind drops me into the past, it is big and loud, like suddenly being slapped, sharp and stinging...too much in my body, too much hurt. I look around, and I remember the dream where I hide under the bed, shivering on the cold wood floor. A small white bunny hops under the bed to join me, and I’m no longer alone or scared. The end. Only it’s not the end, is it? It’s not a dream. I confuse waking and dreaming because that is how I survived, but even now it is blurry, past and present, real or illusion, hiding under the bed...
Artwork by Richard Jesse Watson
Posted by Angela at 6:29 PM 0 Comments
Labels: childhood sexual abuse, dreams, healing, memories, Therapy, trauma, writing
Tuesday, September 15, 2020
Graceful Transitions
Posted by Angela at 12:39 PM 0 Comments
Labels: behavioral health, granddaughters, journaling, pandemic, transitions, trauma sensitive yoga, writing, yoga, yoga teacher
Monday, September 14, 2020
It’s Why I Tell You
Every fucking feeling that moves
through me
Maybe
I’m not even talking to
You
around and around in circles
until I’m spinning
I haven’t been here in awhile
have I?
I’m sick of coming back.
I should know how to do this by now
everyday Grows slower
Grows darker
like a slow motion dream that I can’t wake up from
I don’t know how to stop it
No one knows
no one knows
It’s why I tell
You
Angela Minard©
Posted by Angela at 11:48 AM 0 Comments
Monday, September 7, 2020
Asylum
I come to this black void and instead of emptiness, there are all of these brilliant colors, like music that I can taste and hear-
I distract myself with the familiar until the words form beneath my fingertips...
My mind flashes back to the “crazy dream.” I’m locked up in an asylum, sensing the depressant quality of being over medicated, with a tenuous grasp on reality. I’m not sure why I return to the texture of this dream-feeling trapped, misunderstood, and denied of comfort and care...it’s a worn out theme.
Eating disorders are like an asylum. Even in recovery, it’s presence looms-black and white, colorless and empty, and even in my sleep, I can feel my body, the weight and density, a liquid mass -trapped.
The Asylum: a place I would like to escape to; where I could be crazy and at the same time a hostage of my body. I would be free to rattle the chains of my own misery, completely abandoned by the outside world. A nightmare or a wish?
I’m in recovery. I eat the food, sometimes without much thought, and at times agonizingly; mouthful by mouthful.
These are the reasons I eat: my family, my dog, my job. I love those reasons, and more often than not, it’s enough.
My weight fluctuates depending on my manipulations. I can’t quite seem to leave it alone. I do not trust my body, and have difficulty being neutral, although I try. “I have a body.” That is the goal, even though mostly I’m disgusted by having a body. That disgust transitions on a scale from extreme to tolerable...I have come to accept that the disgust doesn’t have much to do with my weight, and yet the manipulation continues...
Yes, I know it’s a worn out theme. It’s mind numbingly boring, and I despise weight and diet talk. It takes up enough chatter in my own head, and so the distraction is the eating disorder; A cunning asylum, with locked doors, and sometimes thin walls of glass I can see through.
Angela Minard©
Posted by Angela at 12:15 PM 0 Comments
Saturday, January 4, 2020
Peaceful Communication
I’m at the point in my life where I know what I want, I know where I’m going, and I’m also clear about who I don’t want around me. I remember early on in my yoga journey looking up to my teachers, believing their teachings, believing that they practiced what they taught. I learned differently quite soon! With eyes wide opened, I also witnessed the lies..., and like any spiritual journey, if your eyes are truly open, you will see, and then find your own path without blindly following anyone. Lessons have been learned, my heart has been a bit bruised along the way, but those painful truths led me to trust in my own authenticity. I’m certainly not perfect, especially as a yoga teacher, but what you see is what you get. I’m honest. If you have an injury, I will tell you I’m not a doctor, I try to walk the walk, which means I’m prone to anger, miscommunication, poor judgment, etc...I don’t pretend to be anything but who I am. If I like you, you will know, and if I don’t, I won’t pretend. I’ll be polite, but not two faced. Say what you mean, and mean what you say...it’s so simple, really...If you don’t want to do something, you don’t need to lie and make up an excuse. Simply say no. If you say you are going to do something, be true to your word. Have honor. You will feel better about yourself in the long run. In this new year, I’ve let go of expectation, which perhaps sounds negative, but is truly freeing. My word for 2020 is “Communication.” That is what I will be working on...clear, mindful, kind, and yet honest communication.
Artwork~Peace by Shirin Donia
Posted by Angela at 5:02 PM 0 Comments
Labels: 2020, authenticity, communication, Happy New Year, spirituality, Truth, writing, yoga, yoga teacher
Monday, October 28, 2019
Don’t Forget
The me that started this blog over twelve years ago is long gone, although the strength and wisdom was centered deep inside, it took some digging to discover. Starting this blog was also the beginning of healing from sexual trauma and anorexia, although at times it felt as if all of that digging may bury me.
A couple of times it almost did...
I’m not sure why I’m here, writing I mean...
I was driving home from teaching my Monday evening yoga classes, and my mind was wandering as I watched the first snowfall of the season...wandering to the past, and I thought about the pain that I poured out on this blog. Healing is a gift I finally allowed myself. Yoga gave me the gift of embodiment, and I’m grateful that I can pay that gift forward. I rarely visit the past anymore, but when I do it’s from a more forgiving place. I’m not perfect and life is never perfect, but I’m good...life is good. I doubt anyone reads these words, but if you found your way here, take this poem as my gift to you...
Where there is an ache
joy awaits
buried beneath nutrient rich soil
the throbbing heart
the homesickness
the want
is a reminder of what holds you
Here
Right here
Don’t forget...
Angela Minard©
Posted by Angela at 9:59 PM 0 Comments
Labels: anorexia, healing, mental health, poetry, recovery, trauma, writing, yoga, yoga teacher
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Posted by Angela at 11:53 PM 0 Comments
Labels: anxiety, body image, hip replacement surgery, recovery, surgery
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Strength and Stability
Posted by Angela at 11:02 AM 0 Comments
Labels: healing, hip replacement surgery, learning, recovery, teaching, yoga, yoga teacher
Monday, July 9, 2018
Eating Disorder Recovery Update
Posted by Angela at 10:17 AM 0 Comments
Labels: anorexia, body image, eating disorder recovery, healing, hip replacement surgery, writing, yoga
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Removing Obstacles
It has been almost a year since my last post, and so much has happened since then. The present moment is dealing with chronic pain, and trying to remind myself that the pain is temporary. I'm having a total hip replacement on July 16th, but I've been dealing with this pain off and on for the last 5 years. In the past 6 month, the pain has been almost debilitating, and affects my quality of life. I'm sleep deprived, and my main self care/coping skill has been gradually stripped away. I am no longer teaching and my practice is dwindling. This is disheartening to say the least. I love my job teaching yoga, but I desperately miss my own practice. Instead of focusing on what I can't do right now, I know I need to cultivate a stronger mindfulness practice. I have a study partner to learn more about the yoga sutras, and practicing a better self care routine. This experience has changed me, and change is challenging! Some of my least favorite qualities have surfaced, like low frustration tolerance, and general bitchiness. I have a renewed sense of gratitude for my body, and realize how much I took for granted. I will come out of this stronger and more compassionate, not only towards myself, but others. I also feel that this adventure will make me a stronger and more knowledgeable yoga instructor. I'm delving into a deeper knowledge of anatomy and biomechanics, and still working on class sequencing and a fall workshop at the studio. Being inactive makes me feel restless, so using my mind is important in being productive and feeling accomplished. We can do more than we often give ourselves credit for, body, mind, and spirit. I may not have an Asana practice right now, but it is the perfect time time to develop a deeper spiritual practice.
Posted by Angela at 1:23 PM 0 Comments
Labels: chronic pain, writing, yoga