Too Much

I want so much to recover from my eating disorder,

but I'm beginning to believe that I will never be able to.

I'm at my target weight, and I hate it.

It feels like too much.

I know that it sounds bad,

and I can only say it here,

but I miss the emptiness.

The feelings all feel like too much.

Everything is just too much.

At times, the fear and anger overwhelm me,

and my nightmares have just been terrifying.

I dream of the rape, and yes, now I can fight back.

I know that is good, but the violence I have inside

of me is shocking. The images are so frightening and

it is hard to get through the day without having flashbacks

of the rape. I wonder if I will ever be free.