Here and Now

Transformed I hold on in my sleep clenched fists awakening with aching fingers empty hands... "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,"  I think to myself drifting back into the same nightmare... footsteps heavy, looming shadows, and then the comforting sound of your voice calling my name "It hurts," I whisper as your gracefully opened palms receive my falling tears iridescent crystals spilling through your familiar, outstretched fingers "I will hold it for you,"  you repeat softly until my eyes begin to flutter open ...and for awhile this pain beautifully transformed Angela Minard 2017©

“You may be afraid you will go crazy if you start opening up old wounds. But the truth is, the longer you put it off, the worse it will get. Dealing with sexual abuse is not a luxury; it is a necessity. And while the process of confronting and dealing with this issue is painful, it is less painful than ignoring it. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse have entirely repressed the horrifying memory of the abuse. But not remembering doesn’t protect you from being affected. Your symptoms may tell the story for you.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel The longer I kept my secrets, the crazier I felt, until I no longer could keep it inside. I let my body speak for me, falling into the anorexia, dissociating to escape the pain. Everyday I have to hold onto myself because slipping away was my childhood coping skill. There have been many time that I have wondered why I opened up the wounds, because doing so hurt so much. I've wanted to get away, and I've tried. I've wanted t...

"And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, ...when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh, is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest?" - "For What Binds Us", by Jane Hirshfield I've never thought of looking at my wounds and scars as small triumphs, but they are. I was always ashamed for not fighting back...for somehow asking for it, as most survivors of rape do, but I'm coming to believe in my strength not as a victim, but as a true survivor. The mind has wonderful ways of protecting itself from painful memories, but eventually those memories rise to the surface. Dealing with the memories is certainly painful, but also freeing. My silence served a purpose, but my voice is now longing to be heard. I'm beginning to talk, I write, and in doing those things,...

“My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul” ~Shakespeare Sometime I feel the grief swelling inside of my chest, and it overwhelms me to the depths of despair. It follows me around like thunder in my soul, pounding in my ears...a heavy weight that bears down on top of me. I want it to go away, and yet it almost feels good to hurt. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings is helping me to heal, so I keep on fighting not to push it away. I understand my reticence to go through this because it hurts like nothing else that I've ever felt. It makes me dread even more the loss of those that I love, if that makes any sense. Grieving all that I've lost...time, and the child that I was, has changed who I am, but it has also made me stronger. It makes me want to hold on even more tightly to what I have, so I'm holding on, and letting go.

Every once in awhile someone, usually my therapist, but not always, will touch upon something so deep and painful that I literally stop breathing. That happened to me yesterday, and it felt like fear and freedom at the same time. Unfortunately, the fear took over, I stuffed every emotion that I was feeling back down, and now I feel close to overflowing. I love how this translates into a reason not to eat, because I'm just too full, so needless to say, food didn't go so well yesterday. Sarcasm doesn't even begin to mask the frustration that I was feeling, and I often wonder when I will get out of my own way. Today has been better though. I have a friend at work that I've really been able to talk to about things that I usually don't feel comfortable sharing, and it has helped me more than they probably realize. I'm also starting to feel more safe eating in the classroom thanks to them. I'm less and less afraid each time that I do it. One of the hardest parts o...

I had therapy yesterday, and today I see my nutritionist. Food has been hit or miss, and I'm mainly sticking with the foods that I feel safe eating. I haven't been eating dinner with the family as much as I should be. I come home and make a smoothie, and call that dinner. Weekends seem to be better, but during the week, I have a difficult time, and I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe it is because it is so much busier during the week, and I don't make as much time to eat. I did eat lunch at work this week though, so I definitely have my good moments. I'm great at making excuses, but the fact is that I'm terrified. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. It almost makes me want to cry, and I wish that I could get past it. I feel like I've failed everytime that I eat, as if denying myself food somehow makes me a stronger, better person. In therapy we talked about being afraid to look like a woman, or to be viewed in a sexual way. I think that is how the e...

"This heavy heart is lightened and I sing." I'm struggling to eat this week because I don't have much of an appetite. I don't always pay attention to my hunger cues, because for so long, I have ignored them. Empty is what feels normal and comfortable for me. It is also hard for me at work. I still find it difficult to eat in front of other people, so I just need to challenge myself more. I forgot my Boost and V8 Fusion drinks today, so I didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch. I'm sick of them though, so I'm going to make myself a sandwhich and take it to work for lunch tomorrow. Sitting down to eat it will be the challenge. I will let you know how it goes. My nutritionist has been pushing me to pack a lunch for work for a long time, so I will be excited to tell her that I finally did it. Tomorrow is a therapy day. I'm supposed to try to take in my journal entry, but I honestly don't think that I will be able to yet. Every time I think a...

Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence , but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotion...

Dave and I had a couples session with my therapist last Wednesday, and I have felt shut down both mentally and emotionally ever since. The session was good, but it was also intense and exhausting to discuss topics and feelings that I have always avoided in the past. Silence can be a hard habit to break, but I'm learning to speak up when something upsets me. Dave made a comment to me last week that brought to the surface so many different emotions. I was walking away from him, and as I did, he said, "Can I have some fries with that shake?" It triggered the eating disordered voice, saying that I have excess baggage, and it also triggered those feelings of my body being looked at in a sexual way. I immediately let him know that I was upset and we were able to talk about it. I know he wishes that he could take back those words, and he would never say something like that if he knew it would hurt me. He just thought that he was paying me a compliment! I have a therapy and nutri...

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com/ I started a journal for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story, poetry, and artwork. Here is the cover and scanned pages from Jessieh Speaks , a seventeen year old sexual abuse survivor who is wise and gifted beyond her years. ~The cover of Journal 2800~ Jessieh's journal pages

I want to recover from this eating disorder, but with recovery also comes the body of a woman, the curves of a woman, and that terrifies me. The other day I was walking out of Target when a pickup truck with a few men drove by. "Nice ass," one of them hollered out the window as I pushed my cart through the crosswalk. There is a certain safety that I feel when I'm underweight...an invisible feeling that somehow comforts me, and I don't have that anymore. Now I feel like the target of depraved men in trucks. This vulnerability is leading me to choose restriction rather than food more often than not, and I can see no way around my own ambivalence. I was no safer in the body of a child, so why do I do this to myself?

~Today is Angela Shelton Day~ Report IT! We will all Report IT on the same day. The Report IT Campaign is a nationwide state-to-state rally to report sexual violence and abuse on the same day! It was created to raise awareness on the vast under-reporting of sexual assault including rape, incest, and abuse. ~April 29, 2008~ hailed Angela Shelton Day. People nationwide will show up at their local county courthouses on April 29th! Together we will break the silence and the cycle! You can fill out the online form anytime on or before April 29th. This IS NOT an official police report! Thank you for Reporting IT! Share where you'll be Reporting IT on Upcoming Events! Need to talk to someone? Free, confidential - 800-656-HOPE History of the Report IT campaign In Angela Shelton’s award-winning documentary “ Searching for Angela Shelton ”, she surveyed women in the US with her same name. As she began interviewing other Angela Sheltons, she found that 70% had been victims of rape, childho...

I just started reading a book called The Sexual Healing Journey; A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz. Our couples therapist recommended it awhile back, and I am just now feeling strong enough to delve into it, although there have been a few times when I have just had to put it down and cry. Right now I am reading a section about "learning to be in your body" which is something that I really struggle with. The author talks about how many survivors of sexual abuse cope with physical and emotional pain by "leaving" their bodies during the attack, tuning out body needs and disowning parts of their body as a way of surviving the abuse. This was something that I did while I was being raped, or anytime that I would experience flashbacks of the abuse, and at the time it definitely served a purpose. Unfortunately, this has become my automatic reaction to sexual intimacy, and as hard as I try to stay present, I am yet unable to do this. It is something that I...

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com ********************************************************************************** I thought that this was such a wonderful idea, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. So many of us keep our abuse a secret, but there is such freedom in breaking the silence. I kept my secret for almost thirty years, until it began to eat away at my soul. What I could not say out loud, I was able to write. I wrote every detail and memory that I could think of, and then I gave it to my therapist to read. ...

Healing from Sexual Abuse by Dr. Sidney Langston ~The Process of Healing~ Healing for those who have been sexually abused is like a renovation process. All the old wounds need to be cleaned out and repaired. Truth must be faced, the sorrow embraced and grieved. Usually this cannot be done in isolation. It is best to talk it through with a trusted friend, pastor or professional therapist. Abused individuals need to be gently led out of denial so that the truth of what happened to them can be faced. Acknowledging the truth is the initial step toward rescuing themselves from the bondage of powerlessness, betrayal, confusion and rejection. When truth is faced they can learn to let go of dissociative behaviors which allow them to block the pain of abuse from their memories. Dissociation can be a useful survival tool because it allows victims to mentally escape to a safe place so they are not in touch with their pain. If they have developed multiple personalities, another dissociative defens...

I'm uncomfortable today, and I physically feel huge. I have to tell myself that I am not in pain, and dig deep for the reason that I feel this way. Why is it so hard for me to see the obvious, and to mask what I feel with the words FAT, HUGE, DISGUSTING. Ugly words that I find so difficult to replace. Feeling unworthy is just a bad habit. I'm plagued by nightmares that invite me to remember the feelings of shame. I struggle with letting it go. Giving up ownership of the shame. Believing, truly believing that the rape wasn't my fault. Constantly reliving the assault on my body makes me want to take it out on my body. This is where my discomfort comes from today. I have to find new words to say to myself today, otherwise I will find myself restricting. That is what I want to do. To feel empty and clean. So I need to eat, even though that will be uncomfortable. Not painful, just uncomfortable. I will tell myself that it will pass, and I will be okay. Three new words to replace...

My name is Angela. I was raped by two men when I was eleven years old. It was brutal and ugly and I kept it hidden from everyone but myself for twenty nine years. I have finally found my voice. I'm trying to use it!