Here and Now

I'm slowly and painfully reading through this blog.  My therapist suggested that I read my own words so that I could hopefully appreciate this trans formative period of my life. I wrote the first sentence of this blog post two days ago, and here I am, still kicking and breathing...Maybe the idea was to simply acknowledge that I've survived. I've mainly survived myself, and don't we all? I was talking to my yoga students this morning about getting out of your own way, because the truth is that we our our own worst enemies most of the time. Our own voice is the voice that haunts us with negative self talk, and re-enactments of failure. I ask myself, "What is it going to take?" "When do YOU believe?" There is this question within... "Is it okay?"  I want to know if it is somehow wrong to believe in myself, to trust in all that I am, and to nurture myself without feeling guilty. Of course, you say, "Yes,!" but do you tr...

Awakening How can you ask me to hold on? I shake my head but the refusal is weak placing my hands cautiously into your own your fingertips pull me back looking down at your hands away from your eyes I search everywhere for you when you are right in front of me Your asking fills the empty space where there was nothing only a dark, yawning silence now throbbing a cacophony to my awakened senses The frostbitten soul stings  like a sunburn when returning to the body painfully awake... Angela Minard 2014©

"Forgiving is one thing, but abuse survivors should never be expected to forget. We heal through compassion. We forgive through the practice of patience. We love by honoring the pain, and learning to love ourselves. This is hard work..." I wrote these words on a facebook comment,  and my therapists voice echoed in my ears.  I heard her say,  "You should read your own words."  It was her nice way of saying,  "Get it together!"  I have many wise words,  and yet I don't always apply these words of wisdom to myself.  I will cut myself some slack,  and acknowledge that writing it out is my first step.  I work through everything at what feels like a snails pace,  and it frustrates me to no end!  Healing isn't linear,  and I've expressed this many times,  because I'm the one who needs reminding.  My preferred pace would have been to be done with this nonsense after a few therapy ...

I Understand The sliver of moon is a mystery that I don't understand very much like the science of gravity and complicated mathematical equations even my left and right tend to cause confusion My heart is the compass guiding me home either an angry fist clenching my throat with icy fingers or an open vessel overflowing with passion releasing warm rivers dream-like pulsing the thrumming rhythm of life  or death this I understand when I listen... Angela Minard 2014©

This constant need for something more is tiresome. I always think that this "one more thing" will be enough, when all that I long for is to feel that I am enough where I am. I have been reflecting on the concept of aparigraha , which is Sanskrit for non-hoarding or non-possessiveness. It is also one of five  yamas or personal observances of the yogic path.  I have been reading a book by Rolf Gate's titled Meditations from the Mat , and his thoughts on aparigraha speak volumes to me at this point in my life. "Aparigraha advises us to travel light while on the spiritual path. We must let go of the old to make room for the new; we must grieve our dead and then let go in order to love the living...More difficult is the aspect of aparigraha that concerns worn out beliefs. Many of the basic assumptions that guide our daily choices are unconscious, unseen...Collectively, these old thoughts and ideas are an energy in our lives that rob us of the moment...jus...

50/50 Chance "My husband is dying" Your words rush out breathlessly and you seem surprised by your sudden disclosure as your fingers caress my cheek You apologize for my tears  I will not be sorry  as our hearts ache together  You could not hold in your words anymore than I could conceal my sorrow a 50/50 chance living and dying  breath by breath Warming my hands I watch for the fall of your shoulders a sighing exhale We breathe together Our hearts instinctively know  who to reach toward needing to touch needing to be touched a 50/50 chance living and dying  breath by breath Angela Minard 2014©

I wanted to write something here to commemorate my year of teacher's training, and becoming a certified yoga instructor...something profound and emotional, but this is merely the beginning of a journey. I have no idea where this journey is taking me, and for once in my life, I'm somewhat okay with not knowing where I'm going.  I'm grateful to have a job teaching yoga, which doesn't feel like a job at all, but a beautifully wrapped gift that I unwrap every time I teach. I'm more excited than afraid, and I'm still trying to fully comprehend that emotion, because fear has been a constant companion for a long time. My very wise yoga teacher challenged my thinking last weekend when I was talking to her, and she said, "I think you are excited, not afraid..." She wasn't far off, although there was some performance anxiety, and pressure that I put on myself, I was also terribly excited! Once the weekend of testing and teaching my practicum cla...