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Showing posts with label Renfrew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Renfrew. Show all posts

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Yoga And New Beginnings

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Here it is finally, after months of anticipation...Yes! The first day of spring!!! The crocus and daffodills are beginning to bloom, the sun is shining and the temperature is supposed to rise into the 70's. That is about as close to perfection as you can get. I will enjoy this for the next two days, and then it is supposed to be yucky again, but at least I know that better days are around the corner.
The good news for this week is that I'm going to start taking yoga classes. I couldn't afford it on my own, but my parents are generously paying for it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. When I was in treatment, we did yoga a couple of times a week, and I loved it. It helped me to relax, get more in touch with myself, and to recognize the beauty of what my body can do. It is important for me to not focus only on what my body looks like, but to step outside of that, and feel my own strength. One day when I was at Renfrew, I took a yoga class, and one of the poses we did was called the warrior pose. The longer I held that pose, the more emotional I became. It touched upon a part of me that had always felt weak. That pose helped me to feel like I actually had some control over my body. I'm hoping that this type of control helps me to let go of trying to control my body with food, or lack of food. I'm ready for a new beginning.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Nothing But Empty

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I had therapy and saw my nutritionist last night, and today I am utterly exhausted. Two nights in a row of insomnia and racing thoughts, so excuse me if I meander about, aimlessly. My therapist thought that it might help if I could write about my disconnected feelings, so I tried...

Write a poem
she said
about what goes on
in your head
Nothing
but emptiness
filled with white noise
I can’t find my shadow
I can’t hear my voice


I couldn't find anymore words though...

Food has been difficult, but I'm pushing through for the most part. I'm full from the moment I begin to eat, and I find it hard to breathe. I remember feeling this way so often during my stay at Renfrew. The fear of feeling.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Together We Are Strong

This photograph was taken by a beautiful and courageous woman that I met while I was in treatment for an eating disorder at Renfrew. She also ended up becoming my roommate, and a friend that I will always cherish. She took this picture during a phototherapy class we were taking. For me it symbolizes reaching out for help. I struggled for so long, believing that it was a weakness to ask for help, but it takes courage to admit you are flailing. Often times we feel alone with our pain and shame, thinking no one will understand what we are going through. When I arrived at Renfrew, and met so many women like me, looking into their eyes, sharing their tears; they gave me so much hope and courage. Together we gained strength, and I will never forget any of them.

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Together We Are Strong

Arriving alone
shaken and scared
it didn't take long
for your hands
to be there
Reaching out
through the pain
Holding on
to all who came
And together
we were strong
Each voice shared
a different song
We grew in strength
in our own time
With helping hands
we could choose to fly
There are times
when I falter,
fearing that I may fall
I remember those hands
when I'm feeling small
And together
we are strong.

Angela Minard 2008

Saturday, March 1, 2008

New York Times Article~ Drunkorexia~

Alcohol
I want to thank my friend Dana for sending me this article. There were so many women that I was in treatment with, especially college age young women, who were really struggling with alcohol abuse. I myself, am one of them.

~Starving Themselves, Cocktail in Hand~
The latest entry in the lexicon of food-related ills is drunkorexia, shorthand for a disturbing blend of behaviors: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with
alcohol abuse.
Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the
calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging.
Anorexics, because they severely restrict their calorie intake, tend to avoid alcohol. But some drink to calm down before eating or to ease the
anxiety of having indulged in a meal. Others consume alcohol as their only sustenance. Still others use drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine to suppress their appetites.
“There are women who are afraid to put a grape in their mouth but have no problem drinking a beer,” said Douglas Bunnell, the director of outpatient clinical services for the Renfrew Center, based in Philadelphia.
The center, like a small but growing number of eating-disorder and addiction-treatment facilities, most on the West Coast, offers a dual focus on
substance abuse and eating disorders.
Dr. Bunnell, the past president of the National Eating Disorders Association, said the obsession with being skinny and the social acceptance of drinking and using drugs — along with the sense, lately, that among celebrities, checking into rehab is almost a given, if not downright chic — are partly to blame.
“Both disorders are behaviors that are glorified and reinforced,” Dr. Bunnell said. “Binge drinking is almost cool and hip, and losing weight and being thin is a cultural imperative for young women in America. Mixing both is not surprising, and it has reached a tipping point in terms of public awareness.”
Psychologists say that eating disorders, like other addictions, are often rooted in the need to numb emotional pain with substances or the rush provided by bingeing and purging. The disorders are often driven by childhood trauma like sexual abuse, neglect and other sources of mental anguish.
Manorexia is the male version of anorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with what is perceived as healthy food — eliminating fats and preservatives, for example. But people with this condition can dangerously deprive themselves of needed nutrients.
Diabulimia refers to diabetics who avoid taking insulin, which can cause weight gain, in order to control their weight. Despite the name, the disorder does not typically involve purging.
Binge Eating Disorder refers to obsessive overeating, especially of foods high in salt and sugar, that does not involve excessive
exercise or purging to compensate for the high caloric intake.
Judy Van De Veen, 36, who lives in Gillette, N.J., became anorexic at 24. She said she starved herself, meting out small bites of low-calorie food for two months. Then she began bingeing and purging, throwing up entire boxes of cereal, whole pizzas and fast food from drive-throughs that sometimes cost her $80 a day.
She went into treatment, both inpatient and outpatient, for her eating disorder for several years in the late 1990s, with mixed results. In 2001, still struggling with bulimia, she took up drinking. If she ate while drinking, she said, she would purge, but then consume more alcohol to make up for the loss, because she wanted to remain drunk.
Many bulimics who drink use alcohol to vomit, experts on eating disorders say, because liquid is easier to purge. They also tend to vomit because they often drink on empty stomachs.
“In the beginning of my eating disorder I wouldn’t touch alcohol because it is so high in calories,” said Ms. Van De Veen, who later found herself regularly hospitalized for
dehydration. “But I have the disease of more: I just want more no matter what it is.”
Two years into her drinking problem, she joined a 12-step program. She spent the next two years in and out of six residential rehab programs, spending about $25,000 of her own money because she didn’t have
health insurance. But none of the programs were equipped to address eating disorders, so she binged and purged and her eating disorder raged.
Ms. Van De Veen said she has been sober for three years, but is still struggling with bulimia. She now has a 14-month-old daughter, Cheyenne, and she said that her
pregnancy and support groups had helped her make progress on her eating disorder.
“I had an excuse to eat,” she said of being pregnant. “I didn’t care and I loved it.”
But she said the temptation to binge and purge is haunting her again.
Trish, 27, who has had an eating disorder for the last 10 years, recently checked into Renfrew, her fifth stint in a treatment center or hospital.
Like Ms. Van De Veen, Trish, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that only her first name be used to protect her privacy, struggled with anorexia first and then found alcohol. Before she was admitted to Renfrew, she said she was blacking out from lack of food and suffering from excruciating
stomach pain.
Trish, a nurse who lives in Ohio and works with cardiac patients, said she would starve herself through her 8- or 12-hour shifts, staring at the clock and fixating on when she could have her first drink. Drinking, she said, relaxed her when she had to eat in front of other people, a huge source of stress. “The alcohol is probably what kept any weight on me,” she said in an interview late last month at the Renfrew Center, which she entered on New Year’s Eve for eight weeks of treatment.
“Drinking helped me be less anxious,” she said. “It helped me be more of Trish. The two go together: If I drink more, I’m more into my eating disorder and vice versa.”
Studies show that binge drinking and alcohol abuse are on the rise among women, who are also more prone than men to eating disorders.
About 25 to 33 percent of bulimics also struggle with alcohol or drugs, according to a study published last year in the journal Biological Psychiatry. Between 20 and 25 percent of anorexics have substance abuse problems, the study found.
A growing number of researchers are examining the psychological and neurological links between eating disorders and substance abuse: Does eating a chocolate bar, or bingeing and purging, stimulate the same pleasure centers in the brain as drugs or alcohol?
Suzette M. Evans, a professor of clinical neuroscience at Columbia, recently began a study of the connection between bulimia and substance abuse, a field she said has been neglected.
“People are finally beginning to realize that food can function in the same way as drugs and alcohol,” Dr. Evans said.
As more patients seek treatment for both eating disorders and substance abuse, a complicated set of mixed messages can arise. The response to addiction is abstinence; but quitting food is not an option.
“We’re trying to get our patients to find effective behaviors and life skills,” said Dr. Kevin Wandler, the vice president for medical services at Remuda Ranch, which addresses both eating disorders and addiction at its facilities in Arizona and Virginia.
“Eating normally would be an effective behavior, but it’s easier to give up alcohol and drugs because you never need it again,” Dr. Wandler said. “If your drug is food, that’s a challenge.”
Trish left Renfrew on Feb. 22, after her second time in treatment there. She was determined, she said, to break her obsessions with weight, food and alcohol. Before she checked in, “I didn’t even have the energy to laugh,” she said. But as she prepared to go home, she had more hope than she has had in years.
“I will not live my life like this,” she said. “I’ve learned this time not to be ashamed. I want to love myself and I want to forgive myself.”


*
The New York Times
Article written by Sarah Kershaw

Monday, February 11, 2008

Wise Gladys

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I need to be getting ready for work, but Christian used all of the hot water for his shower, so I'm waiting...and writing.
I'm feeling melancholy at the moment because I just read that Polly Williams from the HBO documentary THIN passed away. She was one of the women suffering from anorexia that was featured in the documentary filmed at The Renfrew Center in Florida. It makes me think of all of the wonderful women that I met while I was there, and who among us will die from our eating disorder. I want to go back and hug them all one more time. I want to tell them what Gladys, one of the wise staff members at Renfrew told me as she hugged me goodbye. She said, with her Jamaican accent, "No more of this bullshit, Angie."

May you finally rest in peace, Polly.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Rock Steady

sunshine
Ahhh! A cloudless, clear blue sky, and sunshine! I desperately needed some sunlight, and finally, here it is. I'm filled with hope, energy, and happiness today, with just an overall sense of peace. I'm not really sure what I am going to do with this day, but even if it is just cleaning the house, I am going to make the choice to do it with joy. In one of the group sessions at Renfrew, we talked about how we can make a concious decision to approach everything we do with a positive attitude, even the mundane chores of daily life, and how much that can impact the quality of our lives. Of course, that is so much easier on a sunny day! Sometimes I get down because I feel like there is nothing exciting to look forward to. Day after day, the same boring routine, and I think, to tell you the truth, that I'm just not used to it. Since Dave and I have been married, it has always been one thing after another. The birth of our sons, new homes, dealing with a child diagnosed with autism, Dave's brain tumor surgeries, my eating disorder and abuse issues... My life is steady and normal right now, and it just feels strange. It is almost as if I'm afraid to enjoy the calm too much, for fear of losing it. My ongoing battle to enjoy the moment. Today I will strive.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Lonely

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I was supposed to go out to dinner and a movie tonight, but things didn't work out. A friend of Dave's came over to watch football. I've basically been knitting for most of the day. I'm bored at the moment and feeling a bit lonely. I am uncomfortable in my body today, but I have still stuck to my meal plan even though it has been a battle. Sometimes I feel as if my body is a war zone. I just want to make peace with it. I have moments when I can accept myself as I am, and for now that will have to be enough. I just have to push through the days like today. It is times like now that I really miss being at Renfrew. Surrounded by women who understood and were feeling some of the same feelings. There was always somebody around to talk to. Alone in my head is not always the best place for me to be. I'm so tired and hoping to wake up in a better place tomorrow.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A Holiday Meeting

Alcoholics Anonymous
When I was at Renfrew, I had to go to a few A. A. meetings. There are no words to describe just how much that I hated it! I know that it helps many people, but definitely not for me. It really just gave me the creeps. Thought that I would share my humorous poem about my experience there on my first visit...

A Holiday Meeting

Dirty decorations
A lady chomping gum.
The man in front is nodding off.
Possibly he is drunk?
The smell of stale coffee
and cigarettes just smoked.
Alcoholics Anonymous
makes me want to choke!

Angela Minard 2007

Friday, December 28, 2007

Life Is Good

life
The dog woke me up at 3:30 a.m. because she had to throw up. Not quite the way that I had intended to start my day, but at least she made it outside so that I didn't have to clean it up! Good dog. I didn't feel like going back to sleep, and since I'm learning how to knit, I worked on the scarf that I started yesterday. The girls at Renfrew would be so proud of me. Almost everyone took up knitting while they were there, but I could never seem to get the hang of it. I was sure that I was knitting disabled! When I came home , my sister-in-law gave me a lot of knitting supplies for Christmas, so I became even more determined to learn. I found a knitting website that had videos that taught the steps, and finally, I figured it out! I'm very excited because there are so many beautiful yarns to work with. Sometimes I get it into my head that I can't learn something new, so I'm really proud of myself for not giving up. Yay me!
I see my nutritionist later this morning. I'm going to show her the menu that I have worked out, and also show her my food journals that I have been keeping. For now, the structure is really helping me to stay on track. Yesterday was hard because I went out to lunch with my mother and sister-in-law's, and we ate later in the afternoon, so then I wasn't really hungry for dinner. I just snacked on apples and peanut butter. Not sure if that was okay, but it was better than not eating at all.
I'm feeling very upbeat and positive, and have really been working on reframing any negative thoughts that creep into my head every once in a while. Life is good!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Grief

grief
When I was at Renfrew, they were always telling us that it was not about the food, but I never really could grasp that concept while I was there. It felt like it was about the food! The food was actually the easiest part of treatment. There really was not a choice for me there but to eat the food. I could have been a rebel, and refused to eat. Sometimes I wanted to be a rebel, but I care too much what other people think, so, I was the "good patient." The hardest part of treatment was all of the feelings that surfaced once I really started to feed my body. Feelings that I had masked with the eating disorder would seemingly come from nowhere, and that is the part that I struggled with. Now that I am home , the food is much harder. It is harder than I thought it would be. That is okay though. I'm up for the fight! I have been feeling a deep sadness, but I wasn't exactly sure what was causing it until I saw my therapist on Monday. She suggested that maybe I was grieving over the rape, and I wanted to cry because yes, I am grieving. She said that she would help me through that process, and I will definitely need it. I know that I have to feel the sorrow so that I too can feel the joy.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Saying Goodbye

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I did manage to get some sleep last night. I've been up since 4:30 though. I had my computer packed away, but I pulled it back out for a nervous blogging session. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write out my thoughts and feelings. I suppose that on the outside I am always so busy hiding me feelings and putting on the happy mask that people expect. It is through writing that I can be free of all of that and just be me. I don't have to protect anyone from my words and feelings when I write them out. I especially try and protect my mother from my feelings of pain, because she always turns it around and makes it her fault, and I can't stand the guilt. The main reason that I could never tell her about the rape was because she would have blamed herself for sending me to my dads for the summer. She could have never known ahead of time how neglectfully my brother and I were going to be cared for. She already had such guilt over the divorce and all of the changes that took place in our lives. I didn't want to add to that. Even now she makes sure to let me know how much my pain effects her. I understand that, because when my kids hurt, I also hurt. I just can't deal with how much I'm hurting her right now. She tried to plan her flight in to coincide with my flight out, so that she can see me before I go. I just can't handle that right now, and I'm praying that we don't run into eachother. I'm thankful that she is coming to help Dave and the boys, but emotionally, I just can't deal with also having to say goodbye to her. It makes me angry that she cannot understand that. Anyway, that is my worry of the moment!

It is almost 7:00 a.m. Christian just left to go to school, so my first tears of the day have arrived. One child down, and three more to go. This is so very hard. Logan just came down the stairs, and he is next in line for my goodbye hug. He has autism, so doesn't really enjoy hugs and has a hard time understanding all of this emotion. He is getting a hug anyway, whether he likes it or not! I had to send him back upstairs to shave this morning. He keeps attempting to grow a beard or something! 14 is a bit young to sport that much facial hair. I told him that grandma was coming, so he had better shave:D

My little guys are awake now. They will be the hardest to say goodbye to because they still cry when I cry. Roman came into my room last night and kept me company while I was packing. He is the emotional one out of all of my boys, and he cried last night a bit, and had some questions about what it would be like where I was going. He started crying about Thanksgiving, saying it wouldn't be the same without me. I told him that we would have our own Thanksgiving when I came back. He said that he was going to get the wishbone from the turkey and make a special wish for me. Damn these tears!

My flight leaves around noon and I will arrive in Ft. Lauderdale around 6:00 p.m. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I get to the hotel. It is going to be hard for me to sleep. I guess that I will overdose on fashion magazines, because once I get to Renfrew, they don't allow you to have those. I also plan on calling friends and family and making people talk to me, cause holy shit! I'm scared. :0
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My Bags Are Packed I'm Ready To Go

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My bag are sitting in the doorway of our bedroom and I'm fighting the tears. Since Dave and I started dating over twenty years ago, we have never been apart longer than a week. He is what keeps me connected to this world when I am ready to drift away, it is always for him that I return. I want to do this for me, but mostly I want to recover for all of us. Dave and the boys, and then me. As much as I want to get better, I also don't want to gain weight. I don't think that I need to gain weight. I just want to maintain if possible. I'm sure that is not realistic, but still, it is the direction that my thoughts travel. I'm afraid for tomorrow night. I have never stayed in a hotel by myself. I feel like an immature child who has to learn to do things by herself. Growing up is always so hard.
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Sunday, November 18, 2007

Our Family Meeting

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I finally gathered all of the boys together this morning so that I could tell them that I would be going away to Renfrew. I waited until Dave went upstairs to take a shower. I figured that I would be too emotional with him around. It went better than I expected. Only my oldest knew about the eating disorder, so I told all of them. My youngest said,"Is that why we never see you eat?" They were great though. My mom is coming to stay for the first week that I'm gone, so they are excited to see their grandma. Their lives really won't change that much. Dave is always home for them, and he is always the one who gets them up and ready for school. He is such a great dad, so that definitely makes it easier for me to leave.
Today I am taking the two younger boys to the movies, and each is taking a friend. That is what they wanted to do for their "friend" birthday. We already celebrated with family. I'm also going to finish most of my packing. Dave just went to Walgreens to pick up my meds and some pictures that we ordered. He had an 8x10 glossy of me made so that he could tape it to the bathroom mirror! He is so adorable, and also such a dork! I love him!
I can't believe that I will be leaving tomorrow. I will arrive in Ft. Lauderdale around 6:00 p.m. and Renfrew will have some random guy named Joe picking me up Tuesday morning. This has been such a rollercoaster ride, but I think that I am ready to get off.
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Saturday, November 17, 2007

Holding On And Letting Go

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I'm holding on to everything that I can right now. I'm holding on to Dave, my kids. I'm holding all of this love from everyone so deep inside of my heart. Holding on so tight that my whole entire being feels like an open wound. How many times can I say how very afraid I am? I'm so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. I hold on to Claudia(aka, my ED) more than anything or anyone else. I trust that she will always be here for me, and she certainly never lets me down! It is time though... Time to let go... Time to trust and believe in the one person who holds the key, and that is me. I hold the key.

I have started packing for Renfrew. I'm taking the quilt from our bed. That will help to make me feel close to home. I bought an electric shaver so that I wouldn't have to go and ask for a razor everytime that I want to shave. Yesterday I went without makeup except for mascara, and I dyed my hair back to it's natural color. I won't have to worry so much about my roots! I don't mind going without makeup, but with my hair darker, I need a bit of color, so today I'm wearing a little. Dave wanted some pitures of me before I left, so I'm posting one of them. Let me know what you think, unless you hate it. Keep that to yourself!

Much love,
Angie
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Friday, November 16, 2007

Snail Mail

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Angela Minard
c/o Renfrew Center
7700 Renfrew Lane,
Coconut Creek, FL 33073

Mail would be nice... No pressure though.
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Peaceful And Rested

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The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile.

Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes.

I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight will I gain, and how am I going to be okay with that? Yes, I realize that I'm underweight at this point, but it has been worse, and I hope that I can say when I've reached my own maximum comfortable weight.

Anyway... I'm taking lots of pictures, notebooks, scrapbook supplies, gel pens, stickers, my beads so that I can make jewelry, and at least 2 journals, because I'm sure that I will be writing like a mad woman! I'm also taking my mini lava lamp! I never lived in the dorms in college or anything, so I'm sort of looking forward to having a roomate, and hopefully bonding with a group of women, as strange as that may sound. I have an open mind. I'm ready and willing to do the work and turn my life around in the direction that it was meant to be. I'm allowed to bring my computer which is so great! I won't have it all of the time, but once you move up to a certain level, they will allow you to use it at designated times. I will be able to let everyone know how I'm doing. I'm going to work on the manuscript for my poetry book. I'm sure that I will have many new poems to add while I'm there!

Last night I seriously thought about suicide. Just ending all of the pain. I had the pills in my hand, and then my oldest son came down from his room, and said "I love you mommy." He still calls me mommy! Today is his seventeenth birthday. What an awful birthday he would have had if I had taken those pills. Today, I'm so glad that I didn't.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Random Worries And Silly Obsessions

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I cannot sleep tonight. The wind outside is rushing through the trees, and I have the strongest urge to fling open my front door and run howling through the darkness. Just run away...
Such drama! It is 3:00 a.m. and I have four hours until I go and get all of my lab work done. I don't feel the least bit tired right now. My stomach is too tied up in knots to sleep, and my mind is just filled with to do lists, questions, and other random worries. Let's talk about the random worries~
I read through the Renfrew welcome packet and it lists what items you should bring, and what not to bring. No hair dye! This is a worry! I'm a bit obsessed with my roots. I dye my hair every few weeks. I'm not even sure what color my hair really is anymore, so I'm thinking that I should dye it darker so that the roots will be less noticeable. Hmmm... Also, no perfume because of the alcohol content. I rarely drink my perfume, but whatever. I will have roots and smell bad. I also am very attached to my tweezers and razors which I can bring, but will have to ask for every time I want to use them. I tweeze and shave on a regular, and I mean REGULAR basis. I consider both an ongoing daily process...
Speaking of processes, unpacking my belongings is going to be very invasive.They will go through everything that I bring. I'm really dreading that for some reason, even though I will make sure that I don't bring any contraband. I'm just very private when it comes to my personal space.
Aren't those just some crazy worries? Minor stuff to keep my mind from the major issues. Oh well...
If you read this, then thanks for keeping me company.
Much love,
Angie
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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Magic Fairy

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I had my last therapy session before I leave for Renfrew. Dave went with me, and it was very emotionally draining for all of us. Even my therapist cried! She gave me her magic fairy doll that she has always kept in her office. She told me that it was very special to her, but that I could borrow it while I was away. She knows how much I always worry that people are going to leave me, so she figured that if she gave me something of hers that was important to her, then I would know that she wasn't going anywhere. She would still be here for me when I return. She made me promise to bring her fairy back safe and sound. She is just the best therapist. My nutritionist was also able to get me in tonight. I just really needed to be able to see her before I left. I feel such a huge connection with both my therapist and nutritionist. I am really going to miss them!
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Tomorrow I go and get my lab work and EKG done, and then I will go and talk to my work about a leave of absence. I will most likely be flying to Florida on Monday, and then be admitted Tuesday morning. Everything is happening so fast, which is good, because otherwise I would probably try to back out. I'm going to miss Dave and the boys so much. It makes my heart ache horribly just thinking about it. I just keep telling myself, "I am strong, I am worthy, I am a warrior woman!" Hopefully one day very soon I will try on that phrase, and it will be more than just words. I will try it on, it will fit, and I will wear it well!
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Inpatient Update

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My therapist called this evening. She started the intake process and I will be getting a call from Renfrew in the next 24-48 hrs. I'm just so emotional and frightened right now. Fear of the unknown, I'm sure! I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon, so that should help calm me down some. At least I hope that it does:) My friend Jackie Heyen has also helped me so much through all of this. She has been through the inpatient program at Renfrew, and is probably the most recovered person that I know. She gives me hope, and for that, I am grateful!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Haircuts And Happiness

I had the greatest urge to go upstairs yesterday and chop off all of my hair. Maybe I'm related to Brittany Spears? Hmmmm... I resisted the urge, and instead I walked into the salon nearest to our house, and told THEM to chop it all off! I wasn't sure about it at first, but I like it. This morning it just took me 10 minutes of blow drying, and I was done.
Here is a pic
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I just got off of the phone with my therapist, and she is calling Renfrew tomorrow to start my admission process. She was very excited that I came to this decision on my own. I'm relieved to hear that she isn't disappointed in me. That, for some reason, just really worried me. I'm relieved, but so terrified! There is so much to think about. Telling my work, telling the kids, my parents. I'm shaking just thinking about it. I feel in my heart that this is the right thing to do though. I need to do this for me, because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live.
Much love to all of you. I'm blessed with amazing friends!
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