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Showing posts with label eating disorders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorders. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Processing Time


I have worked with kiddos with autism for over fifteen years, as well as having my own son with autism. I'm used to waiting a longer amount of time for a response than what is considered average. People with developmental disabilities, as well as individuals with brain injuries have a longer processing time, so I wait...
I'm just now realizing that I have a longer than average processing time when it comes to my emotions. 
Feelings are unlabeled because I have no idea in the moment what is happening. 
I store my emotions like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, and then they explode before I even have a chance to make much sense of them. 
This is why I have a therapist to help me sort through the mess of feelings that confound and confuse me on an almost daily basis. 
Laughter, and joy are easier to accept, but sadness and anger I have labeled as bad, and off limits, so I do all kinds of inappropriate things with those emotions in particular. 
It is where my eating disorder came from, as well as self harm and dissociation. 
I turn my anger and sadness in the only direction I know, which is at myself. 
I have been taught some great skills from my treatment team, as well as from my yoga teachers, but they don't always work, and that is frustrating. 
Nothing is full proof, and when my tools fail me, I feel like a failure. 
My therapist tells me,"feeling is not being," and so feeling like a failure does not mean that I am a failure. 
Tonight I worked all day, went to therapy, and taught two yoga classes. 
I didn't have time to check in or acknowledge my feelings, but they still caught up with me. 
I came home, sat down, took a few deep breaths, and gahhhh...
I'm crying! 
Damn, I'm sad, happy, tired, and fucking confused...
Delayed emotional reaction in progress! 
I can't even get comfort when I need it most of the time, because when it hits me that I need it, there is no one around. 
It is no wonder that so often I feel alone...
I am not alone. 
I am loved. 
I am loved. 
I am loved. 
It just takes me awhile to feel it...

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Always The Mirror

 
 
There is always the mirror, isn't there?
A reflective distraction technique used to measure every perceived imperfection. We can tell ourselves that mirrors and numbers do not define our worth, but we still stand sideways, checking for bulging bellies, sagging bottoms, and widening hips. We plan extra workouts and elaborate cleanses to replace the thoughts of what we are actually afraid of losing. It certainly isn't extra weight or inches that we are terrified of, but we are masters at convincing ourselves otherwise. Self improvement is a national pastime, so what would we fill our time with if we weren't always so busy fixing the outer shells of who we are? Taking care of our health and wellness is important, although not for reasons of physical beauty, and yet that is what invades our minds with doubt and worry. As diligent as I am about relapse,
eating disorders are sneaky,
and there is always the mirror, isn't there? 
 
"Beauty is not in the face, it is a light in the heart." ~Kahlil Gibran

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Thrive Tribe Kansas



I'm not sure when the idea of wanting to become a yoga teacher began to take shape in my mind, but it was within the first six months of having a consistent yoga practice. I had been weight restored and physically recovered from anorexia for two years, but I was still struggling mentally, and still used restriction at times as a way to manage my emotions. I cried through many practices, and the release made room little by little for more acceptance and more forgiveness. I began to appreciate what my body, which had been weak and broken, could accomplish. I toyed with restriction and pushing my body through multiple classes a day, but those were not the practices that filled me with joy. I found that fueling my body also fed my passion for yoga, and I needed to share that passion with others. The transformation that needed to take place happened on the inside, and had nothing to do with my shape, weight, or size. 
I found out about the work that Chelsea Roff was doing with yoga and eating disorders, and how yoga had helped her to heal, and I knew I wanted to be a part of what she was doing. I went to Denver for her training and was even further inspired by her story and beautiful spirit. I couldn't wait to facilitate her program here in Kansas City, and now here it is! The program is a six week series called Eat Breathe Thrive, which integrates yoga, group processing, and community-building exercises, to help individuals overcome food and body image challenges. My dear friend and fellow yoga teacher, Amy Radar, will be co-facilitating. She too struggled with disordered eating and over exercise for many years before discovering the healing powers of yoga. We will be offering this series on Sundays from 4-6 p.m. at Darling Yoga, beginning March 8th-April 19th. You can register at Thrive Tribe Kansas. Spaces are limited, so sign up soon! 



Be your own kind of magic! 

You deserve to heal...
Let go of body shaming, food wars, self loathing,
and come home to you. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

I Think About...



I think about how I made my way to a yoga studio, and it had nothing to do with making friends or being connected, although that is one of the best things to come out of discovering yoga. I'm not even sure what I was looking for...a way to lose weight without drawing attention to my treatment team that I was trying to find yet another way to abuse my body. I won't lie...I abused yoga in the beginning...I made my way to sometimes three classes a day in an attempt to exercise in a less strenuous and controlled manner, while also restricting my food intake. It didn't take long for me to figure out that my former gymnasts body was still flexible, but not very strong, and the osteoporosis from anorexia was not helping anything. I wanted to be good at yoga, like everything else, but strength played an important role, and starving myself would not get me very far. I practiced during every free moment, also listening to the advice of my teachers. I wanted to be thin, but I also wanted to be strong, and the two together did not make sense in my body. Sometimes I still want a strangers thin, strong body...a body without an ounce of fat, defined muscles, perfect alignment, but that person doesn't exist, at least not for long, in my human form. We are constantly changing, and the female body especially goes through many transformations. Society has convinced us that we should move through it all like movie stars, forgetting that most of us do not have personal trainers and make up artists to get us through our days. I still don't feel great about the body I see in the mirror, but practicing yoga has been the one thing that manages to help me appreciate what my body can do.
I'm a woman, made of flesh, muscle, blood, and bone. 
My body flows through sun salutations, days of soreness, sorrow, laughter, and here I continue to stand, with all of my imperfections. I'm tired of hating my body, and I still haven't quite figured out how to love it, but I will continue to try.
 

Photograhy by~Jackie Heyen

Thursday, September 4, 2014

A Recovery Milestone



I have reached a huge recovery milestone, and so today is ending with an overflowing amount of gratitude and joy. I have been seeing a nutritionist for 7 years, and today was my final appointment. I truly do not feel I would be alive right now if it had not been for the dedicated treatment team that I have. After a few sessions with my therapist, she insisted that I also seek the help of a nutritionist, and referred me to the amazing woman who would help to guide me through this recovery journey. I was not always the most compliant client, but ultimately, she found techniques to encourage me in a way that was both firm and kind. I was looking through old blog posts, and it is mind boggling the things I have already "forgotten." There were the years that I ate nothing for days on end, and then the day I finally agreed to go in-patient. There were the days weaning myself from laxative abuse, then being able to work towards eating in front of people and weaning myself away from a liquid diet. There were suicide attempts after I was weight restored, accepting a new body, and learning to eat even when my eating disorder screamed at me that I was weak and pathetic. I had been spacing out my appointments for the past year, going every two weeks, and then once a month. I was honestly afraid to stop seeing her, because I was terrified of a relapse. I also had developed a relationship that I trusted and valued, and ending my treatment with her was frightening. I didn't even know until this morning that I was going to tell her I was ready to stop seeing her, but on my way to work, as I was driving, I was thinking about my weight, and how I wanted to lose weight. I pondered this thought for a few moments, caught myself, and almost laughed out loud. I realized that not a day has passed in at least 25 years that the same thought hasn't been turned over at a dizzying speed in my mind. When I couldn't even sit in the bathtub without padding, I didn't think I was thin enough. The difference now is, it is a thought, it passes, and I continue with my day, with my meals, with my life...I may live the rest of my life with that passing thought, but I'm no longer going to starve myself to death over it, or allow that thought to steal my life or my joy. 
I cried on the way to my nutritionists, and then I repaired my make-up in the bathroom before riding the elevator up to her office. I know that if I ever need her, she will be there for me, and she has been referring clients to the yoga studio where I teach. Tonight, she had tears in her eyes as she talked about the progress we have made together, and then she said, 
"You have made a life for yourself worth recovering for." 
I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I fought back, until a smile overtook my tears.

I certainly did not fight this battle alone! 

Tonight I bow to one of my many teachers. 

Thank you...

Friday, June 6, 2014

Are You Comfortable In Your Skin?



What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin? As someone who has both battled an eating disorder, and also have many friends who struggle, it is a common thing to say and to also hear. We think that if we could only be a certain weight, we would be "comfortable," but I will tell you that this is untrue. What we are uncomfortable with has nothing to do with the size of our bodies. What we are uncomfortable with is being present. It is impossible to find comfort when you are continuously running from yourself. How often do we sit with ourselves in silence, being still and aware? Today I took a yoga class with a teacher that I love, but don't often get to take classes from, and she said as we were settling into Downward Facing Dog, "Fill in the blank...I am grateful for...," and immediately I thought, "I feel grateful for my strong and resilient body." Oh, how I made my body suffer, trying to find some shred of comfort...my heart became weak, severe osteoporosis, my hair clogged the drain every time I took a shower, and I was beyond tired. Yes, I was thin, but I was far from comfortable.  I wasn't trying to be comfortable, I was trying not to be...
When we are present, we journey beyond our bodies, into the deepest part of ourselves, and into the truest form of who we are. I began to nurture my body by feeding it, and at first it was painful, and definitely uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn't even begin to describe the intensity I was feeling both emotionally and physically. Re-feeding isn't pretty. Does recovery mean you will always feel at home in the skin you inhabit? NO! The flow of healing isn't linear. There are peaks and valleys, and often we learn the most from those places of supposed inertia. Listen to the silences, and pay attention to your soul. Your soul is speaking...
Be still...

"And so there must be in life something like a catastrophic turning point, when the world we know ceases to exist. A moment that transforms us into a different person from one heartbeat to the next."

~ From "The Art Of Hearing Heartbeats" by Jan Philipp Sendker

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Believe

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I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my therapists office. She asks me to do this, and I hate when she wants me to try one of her therapy tricks. I'm self conscious, fearing that I will look like an idiot, or I will do it wrong. I roll my eyes, but I go ahead and sit on the carpet, my legs tucked into my chest, and my arms wrapped around my knees. She tells me to close my eyes, which I reluctantly do. "How do you feel?" she asks. Besides stupid, which is what I think to myself, I reply truthfully that I feel safe and protected in this position. She then asks me to hold my arms out to my sides, as if I was flying, and to put my legs out in front of me. I actually feel my heart rate increase as she asks me once again how I feel. I hate it, feeling open, vulnerable, and entirely out of my comfort zone. She asks me what I make of the exercise, and at first I say, "I don't know," which is my standard response to being questioned. "Yes, you do," she smiles. "Put on your therapists hat and tell me what you think." I pause for a minute, gathering my thoughts, and then I say, "A therapist would probably say that I'm closing myself off, afraid of expansion and growth." Really, I knew the answer the entire time, but I'm always afraid that I will be wrong. She agrees with my insight, raising her eyebrows, and waiting for me to say more, but what more is there to say? I could have told her that without having to do the exercise. It is important for me to feel safe and protected, and changes, either good or bad, make me anxious and unsettled. That is why I'm the most comfortable when I'm entrenched in my eating disorder. I feel as if nothing and no one can touch me. I'm only focused on reaching my goal, although history has proven that the goal is unattainable. Nevertheless, it keeps me from feeling exposed. "Doesn't it make you sad that you are closing yourself off from the world?" she asks me. I honestly don't feel like that is what I'm doing. I'm out in the world, I work, I see people, I'm comfortable this way. I'm supposed to want to change, to move forward and past the pain, but the eating disorder takes away the pain. My therapist would argue that it also takes away the joy, but I disagree. She tells me that the eating disorder has created an illusion, and it has tricked me into believing its lies. I'm stubborn, and past listening to anyone at this point. Leave me alone, I'm in control, it won't go too far, I know what I'm doing this time. And I believe. I truly believe.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

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This was the first family portrait that we had taken twelve years ago. Look at my babies! They were so small, and the time has just flown by. I love everything about being a mom. Watching them grow and change into the wonderful young men that they are becoming. My love for them is overwhelming and unconditional.
You would think that having an eating disorder would have made it hard for me to be pregnant, but those were the times that I absolutely loved my body and felt the most beautiful. I took care of myself like no other time in my life, cherishing the new lives that I was carrying. They are the best part of my life!
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day, especially my mom, who I miss and love very much.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Surrounded By Love

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I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around. He never once asked me how I was doing, a week has passed, and he has yet to call me. I'm not really surprised, but it still hurts, and I'm taken aback by the anger. It has come out towards everyone but him, because , as usual, he's not around to even get angry with.
I walked out of my therapy session on Wednesday. We were talking about the AA meetings, and how much I hate them. She insisted that I need more outside support than she could give, and I argued that I don't need group support. I ended up walking out, and then called her and said that I was done with therapy and my nutritionist. We talked later on that night, and worked everything out, but I still feel so much anger, with nowhere to direct it towards. I am finished with AA though. It is just way too religious for me. I'm really private with my faith, and feel like it is a very personal relationship that I don't want to share with others. Tomorrow I am going to a different addiction support group called SOS, or
Secular Organizations for Sobriety. It " maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." I hope that I will feel more comfortable in these meetings, even though I'm still not convinced that I need group support.
I'm doing horrible when it comes to food and the eating disorder. I'm continuing to lose weight, which is very triggering in and of itself. I'm actually hanging on to the E.D. for dear life at the moment. The less I eat, the less appetite I have. My hunger cues are non existent. Today I have managed to drink some orange juice, and only because I was light headed. Food just doesn't feel safe. I'm overwhelmed with feelings, and without the eating disorder to help reign them in, I don't know where I would be. Thanksgiving is going to be hard. It is too much food to even contemplate! I miss my mom and my step dad, and I'm looking forward to their visit during the Christmas holiday's. I need to feel surrounded by love.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A Healthy Perspective

Eating Disorder Pictures, Images and Photos

I was just talking to my sister-in-law this evening, and telling her about my medication induced weight gain, and how uncomfortable I'm feeling in my body, and she began to tell me how she struggled with anorexia in college, which is a really common time for women to begin falling into eating disorders. She said that she gained twenty pounds at the beginning of college, and basically starved herself to lose the weight, and then couldn't stop. She said that training to be a swim instructor was what helped her, but that she still struggles with the excessive worry over gaining weight. She is very active and physically fit, and says that she gets up at 4:15 a.m. just to exercise, making sure that she does 15 minutes worth of sit ups, and that her activity level dictates how much she will eat that day. To me, that still sounds a bit disordered, making me think that most women have eating and body image issues. How do you get around that in this society? There is so much emphasis on being thin, and how do you do that and still maintain a healthy perspective. I seriously wonder if it is even possible. I'm so very unhappy with my weight, and can I lose it without drastically restricting my food intake and exercising in excess? Everyone tells me how healthy I look right now, which in my mind means that they think I'm fat...but besides the poor body image, I physically feel great. Do I give that up, just to be thin, and emulate the ideal body image? Why is that even an option in my mind? It should be a no brainer. I wish that it was.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Damn Diet Ads

ana Pictures, Images and Photos ana Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm tired of the before and after diet ads all over the internet and television. I'm tired of the broken record in my head that continues to tell me that I need to lose weight. I've really been struggling since Thanksgiving. I restricted all that day so that I could eat a normal amount of food for dinner in front of everyone, and even now, I'm continuing to restrict. My sister-in law sent me some pictures that she took, and all that I can see in the photographs is how f** I look. I'm so bored with my whining self. Why do I focus so much on my exterior when I know that it doesn't truly matter. When does the obsession end? Even my mom has joined Weight Watchers, and everyone I work with is on a diet, and it is all that they can talk about. I don't even know where this post is going. I'm just frustrated and need a place to vent, so if you have read this far, then thanks for listening:) I've just hit a bump in the road, but I'm sure that I will figure it out.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Claudia

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Claudia

Dig a shallow grave
for my shallow soul
Hollow, hollow
This empty fight
She holds out her hand
in the darkening shadow
of my fading light
Incandescent,
A wavering flame,
onetime burning bright
Shadow, shadow
Nowhere to run
She is the phantom night

Angela Minard 2008©

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sometimes I Win


Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going to paint, but I couldn't find the paint that I wanted to use. My mom told me where it was, so today, that is what I'm going to do. That is one thing about my mom coming to visit. She organizes my house so well, that I have to call her to tell me where she put everything! I love you, mom<3>

Monday, July 28, 2008

Ravenous

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I have this strangely ravenous feeling, and I'm not sure that I quite understand it all. It isn't hunger, though I feel as if I could eat everything in sight right now. It is a very scary and out of control feeling, which is why I am here writing about it, instead of eating my way through the kitchen cabinets. I just dropped both of the younger boys off at football practice, and Dave is out playing golf. I feel so self conscious around other parents, and that is just my own insecurity talking, but I never feel as if I measure up...though to what I'm not sure. Anyway, I came home, and feel so out of control. I used to cut myself when I felt this way...that feeling that I'm not good enough, and it just builds and builds, until I have to have some way to release it, by either eating, throwing up, or cutting. Those are all horrible options, and I wish that Dave or someone was home , but they're not, so it is just me with these awful feelings of disgust and self hatred.

Monday, July 21, 2008

One Spring



The air was thick
with the promise
of lilacs and rain

that evening
and the clouds hovered

about my shoulders
like the mink

stole from my mother's closet.
I tried on from time to time.
I was sixteen and I knew it.
I tossed my head

like a proud pony,
My hair rippling down my back

in one golden wave
as I walked down

the sultry street.
My bare feet barely

touching the ground.
Past the sounds

of a television,
A dog barking,
A mother calling her child,
My body,

slicing through the heavy air
like a sailboat

gliding on lazy water.

When the blue car

slowed alongside me
I took no notice
Until two faces

leaned out the open window.
"Nice tits you got there ,honey."
"Hey sweetheart,

shine those headlights over here."
"Wanna go for a ride?"
I stopped,
Dazed as a fish thrust out of water
Into sunlight so bright it burns my eyes.
I turn and walk away fast
Head down, arms folded,
Feet slapping the ground.
I hear "Nice ass too."
Then laughter
The screech of tires
And silence.


All at once I am ashamed

of my new breasts
Round as may apples,
I want to slice them off

with a knife
Sharp as a guillotine.
All at once I am mortified

by my widening hips,
I want to pare them down

with a vegetable peeler
Until they are slim and boyish
All at once

I want to yank out my hair
by the roots
Like persistent weeds

that must not grow wild
But I am a sensible girl
I do none of these things

Instead I go home,

watch tv with my parents.
Brush my teeth

and braid my hair for the night
And the next day

I skip breakfast
Eat only an apple for lunch
And buy a calorie counter
Vowing to get thinner and thinner
Until I am so slim that I can slip
through the cracks in the sidewalk
and disappear. and I do.
By Leslea Newman

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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I was raped in the summer of 1977, in Dallas, Texas. It was one of many secrets that I felt so shamed by, I kept them hidden well into adulthood. It wasn't the first time that I had been sexually abused. The first time was an older cousin, and then the husband of a babysitter. Incidents that all happened during the beginning of my parents divorce, and because my mom was already going through so much trying to raise my brother and I on her own, I instinctively kept hidden what I knew would only cause more pain. I look back now, and remember losing chunks of time, always pretending to remember this or that, and getting by with a "head in the clouds, such a daydreamer" excuse. My first dissociative episode happened while being raped. I felt myself leaving my body, and watching it all from a distance, as if it wasn't happening to me at all.

" I tell myself;
just fly away,
fly away,
we'll be okay."

I'm still not sure what it was that finally shattered my silence. Maybe it was beginning to trust the therapist that I was seeing for an eating disorder. I never thought that I would tell, and sometimes I question whatever wisdom it was that told me it would be for the best. Part of me knew that the silence could destroy what was left of my life, and I wasn't willing to give that up.
The filth and scum always rise to the surface, and that is what happens when you try to cover up trash. It is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder~

Trauma survivors with PTSD feel chronically afraid that the event is happening or is going to happen, and are unable to fully realize the traumatic event is over. Sometimes they involuntarily relive the event to such a degree that they are unable to maintain contact with present reality; these experiences are called “flashbacks”. At the same time, they avoid remembering as much as possible, and as stimuli in daily life trigger memories, they begin to avoid more and more of life. They may feel intense shame and guilt, thinking that they are somehow responsible for what happened, or guilty for what he or she did in order to survive. With chronic hyperarousal, they feel exhausted, have sleep problems, have difficulty concentrating, and are irritable and jumpy. They may purposefully avoid sleep because of terrifying nightmares. Due to emotional numbing they lose feeling a sense of being connected to others, withdraw from loved ones, and may lash out due to irritability, causing whatever support they have to slowly disappear. They may begin to drink, use drugs, work too much, or engage in other self-destructive behaviors to avoid the feelings and memories of what happened.
Johnson, D.M., Pike, J.L., & Chard, K.M. (2001). Factors predicting PTSD, depression, and dissociative severity in female treatment-seeking childhood sexual abuse survivors. Child Abuse & Neglect, 25, 179-198.

These feelings are normal, even many years after the trauma has occured. I have to remind myself that I'm not crazy...that I will survive...and thrive.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Telling Secrets

secrets
My husband wonders why I do this. He doesn't understand why I would want to share so much personal information, especially with strangers. In the beginning, the writing was a way to sort through all of the thoughts and feelings that began to surface after I told my husband and therapist that I had been raped as a child. I was so protective of all of my secrets, and I think it was a way of keeping something for myself when everything else had been taken. Eating disorders thrive in silence, and hiding behind the secrets made me feel safe. Through writing, I began to slowly let go of the shame that I had carried around for so long, and it felt good. What felt even better though was the response I received from people that I didn't even know. I would hear how my story or a poem that I had written touched someone else, or had helped them to feel less alone, and for once in my life, I felt like maybe I could make a difference. I was finally being heard, and now I feel that I can no longer be silent. If I can help other people along with myself throughout this journey, then sharing my struggles along with my triumphs is worth it.

Secrets
I'm afraid
all of the time
I wonder
what you hide

No one is
who they say
they are
Who are you?
Who am I?
Who can I trust
with all that I am?

For so long
you have seen
what I want
you to see
or so I thought

I don't want
to be alone
anymore
To be me...
Alive...

So I give
all of my secrets
away
To hold
like a wish
in your hands
A deep breath...
and then gone...

Angela Minard 2008©

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sleeping With An Eating Disorder

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Yum! Sanitized Tape Worms...Easy To Swallow...No Ill Effects!

Sadly, I guarantee you that if this product was being sold on our drug store shelves, there would be people out there buying it!

Speaking of strange and disturbing, I have had strangely disturbing dreams about food lately. (not that dreaming of food is all that unusual for me)
I could go for days without food passing my lips, except in my dreams, where I would hungrily devour all of the food that I denied myself while awake. Morning would come, and with it, self-loathing and disgust, just for simply wanting. It has been months since I've had that type of food dream. I'm eating regularly, so there is no longer any reason to feed myself through my dreams, so I suppose that I'm trying to make sense of the strange dreams that I've had just recently. (If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!)
In one of these dreams, I am choosing items from a cafeteria type setting, and as I place the items on my tray, huge spiders and other insects begin to crawl out of the food. In another dream, I am sitting in a restaurant, and as I lift my fork to my mouth, the food on the utensil transforms into a fork full of squirming maggots. Mmmmm, delicious!
My theory is that it is my eating disorder (aka Claudia) trying to turn me away from food by making it as unappetizing as possible. Isn't that Claudia so clever? Well, at least she would like to think so anyway!
My therapist thinks that this is my anxiety over food and eating coming out in my dreams, now that I'm beginning to conquer those fears on a daily basis. I think that we are both right:) Either way, the insects do make me feel a bit queasy, so hopefully these sorts of dreams won't stick around for long!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

New York Times Article~ Drunkorexia~

Alcohol
I want to thank my friend Dana for sending me this article. There were so many women that I was in treatment with, especially college age young women, who were really struggling with alcohol abuse. I myself, am one of them.

~Starving Themselves, Cocktail in Hand~
The latest entry in the lexicon of food-related ills is drunkorexia, shorthand for a disturbing blend of behaviors: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with
alcohol abuse.
Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the
calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging.
Anorexics, because they severely restrict their calorie intake, tend to avoid alcohol. But some drink to calm down before eating or to ease the
anxiety of having indulged in a meal. Others consume alcohol as their only sustenance. Still others use drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine to suppress their appetites.
“There are women who are afraid to put a grape in their mouth but have no problem drinking a beer,” said Douglas Bunnell, the director of outpatient clinical services for the Renfrew Center, based in Philadelphia.
The center, like a small but growing number of eating-disorder and addiction-treatment facilities, most on the West Coast, offers a dual focus on
substance abuse and eating disorders.
Dr. Bunnell, the past president of the National Eating Disorders Association, said the obsession with being skinny and the social acceptance of drinking and using drugs — along with the sense, lately, that among celebrities, checking into rehab is almost a given, if not downright chic — are partly to blame.
“Both disorders are behaviors that are glorified and reinforced,” Dr. Bunnell said. “Binge drinking is almost cool and hip, and losing weight and being thin is a cultural imperative for young women in America. Mixing both is not surprising, and it has reached a tipping point in terms of public awareness.”
Psychologists say that eating disorders, like other addictions, are often rooted in the need to numb emotional pain with substances or the rush provided by bingeing and purging. The disorders are often driven by childhood trauma like sexual abuse, neglect and other sources of mental anguish.
Manorexia is the male version of anorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with what is perceived as healthy food — eliminating fats and preservatives, for example. But people with this condition can dangerously deprive themselves of needed nutrients.
Diabulimia refers to diabetics who avoid taking insulin, which can cause weight gain, in order to control their weight. Despite the name, the disorder does not typically involve purging.
Binge Eating Disorder refers to obsessive overeating, especially of foods high in salt and sugar, that does not involve excessive
exercise or purging to compensate for the high caloric intake.
Judy Van De Veen, 36, who lives in Gillette, N.J., became anorexic at 24. She said she starved herself, meting out small bites of low-calorie food for two months. Then she began bingeing and purging, throwing up entire boxes of cereal, whole pizzas and fast food from drive-throughs that sometimes cost her $80 a day.
She went into treatment, both inpatient and outpatient, for her eating disorder for several years in the late 1990s, with mixed results. In 2001, still struggling with bulimia, she took up drinking. If she ate while drinking, she said, she would purge, but then consume more alcohol to make up for the loss, because she wanted to remain drunk.
Many bulimics who drink use alcohol to vomit, experts on eating disorders say, because liquid is easier to purge. They also tend to vomit because they often drink on empty stomachs.
“In the beginning of my eating disorder I wouldn’t touch alcohol because it is so high in calories,” said Ms. Van De Veen, who later found herself regularly hospitalized for
dehydration. “But I have the disease of more: I just want more no matter what it is.”
Two years into her drinking problem, she joined a 12-step program. She spent the next two years in and out of six residential rehab programs, spending about $25,000 of her own money because she didn’t have
health insurance. But none of the programs were equipped to address eating disorders, so she binged and purged and her eating disorder raged.
Ms. Van De Veen said she has been sober for three years, but is still struggling with bulimia. She now has a 14-month-old daughter, Cheyenne, and she said that her
pregnancy and support groups had helped her make progress on her eating disorder.
“I had an excuse to eat,” she said of being pregnant. “I didn’t care and I loved it.”
But she said the temptation to binge and purge is haunting her again.
Trish, 27, who has had an eating disorder for the last 10 years, recently checked into Renfrew, her fifth stint in a treatment center or hospital.
Like Ms. Van De Veen, Trish, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that only her first name be used to protect her privacy, struggled with anorexia first and then found alcohol. Before she was admitted to Renfrew, she said she was blacking out from lack of food and suffering from excruciating
stomach pain.
Trish, a nurse who lives in Ohio and works with cardiac patients, said she would starve herself through her 8- or 12-hour shifts, staring at the clock and fixating on when she could have her first drink. Drinking, she said, relaxed her when she had to eat in front of other people, a huge source of stress. “The alcohol is probably what kept any weight on me,” she said in an interview late last month at the Renfrew Center, which she entered on New Year’s Eve for eight weeks of treatment.
“Drinking helped me be less anxious,” she said. “It helped me be more of Trish. The two go together: If I drink more, I’m more into my eating disorder and vice versa.”
Studies show that binge drinking and alcohol abuse are on the rise among women, who are also more prone than men to eating disorders.
About 25 to 33 percent of bulimics also struggle with alcohol or drugs, according to a study published last year in the journal Biological Psychiatry. Between 20 and 25 percent of anorexics have substance abuse problems, the study found.
A growing number of researchers are examining the psychological and neurological links between eating disorders and substance abuse: Does eating a chocolate bar, or bingeing and purging, stimulate the same pleasure centers in the brain as drugs or alcohol?
Suzette M. Evans, a professor of clinical neuroscience at Columbia, recently began a study of the connection between bulimia and substance abuse, a field she said has been neglected.
“People are finally beginning to realize that food can function in the same way as drugs and alcohol,” Dr. Evans said.
As more patients seek treatment for both eating disorders and substance abuse, a complicated set of mixed messages can arise. The response to addiction is abstinence; but quitting food is not an option.
“We’re trying to get our patients to find effective behaviors and life skills,” said Dr. Kevin Wandler, the vice president for medical services at Remuda Ranch, which addresses both eating disorders and addiction at its facilities in Arizona and Virginia.
“Eating normally would be an effective behavior, but it’s easier to give up alcohol and drugs because you never need it again,” Dr. Wandler said. “If your drug is food, that’s a challenge.”
Trish left Renfrew on Feb. 22, after her second time in treatment there. She was determined, she said, to break her obsessions with weight, food and alcohol. Before she checked in, “I didn’t even have the energy to laugh,” she said. But as she prepared to go home, she had more hope than she has had in years.
“I will not live my life like this,” she said. “I’ve learned this time not to be ashamed. I want to love myself and I want to forgive myself.”


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The New York Times
Article written by Sarah Kershaw

Friday, October 19, 2007

Helping A Friend

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A good friend that I used to work with called me and we were chatting on the phone and decided to go out for a few drinks and catch up. We were having a really nice time, and then she started asking me questions about my eating disorder. She then told me that she was very concerned about her sixteen year old daughter who is cutting, and also hasn't been eating and is losing a signifigant amount of weight. I told her that I too used to be a cutter, and gave her the name of my psychologist and nutritionist. She was just so heartbroken, sick, and terrified for her daughter, and also trying to understand why someone would starve or harm themselves in any way. She asked me so many questions, but I could just see in her eyes that she couldn't understand it. I'm so glad that she came to me to get some help for her daughter, and also for herself. I hope that both of them will be able to get the help that they need before it gets too out of control. I can't even imagine how I would feel if my child was struggling with so much pain. I often wonder how my eating disorder affects my children. Although I know that boys can also suffer with eating disorders, I think that if I had girls, I really would have screwed them up. Adolescent girls are so triggering for me. Somebody upstairs knew what they were doing when they blessed me with boys!