A Disappearing Act

Yesterday I went to the new addiction support group that I was talking about. It was held in the back room of a little downtown coffee shop. I arrived about fifteen minutes early, asked if there was anyone there yet, and sat down in the coffee shop with a vanilla latte'. I waited, and only saw two people go into the back meeting room. Two people! I didn't stay. It only meets once a week, so I'm assuming it isn't ever a large group. I was disappointed, because it had sounded so promising. I guess I will go back to AA a few more times, and attempt to give it a shot. I promised that I would try, so I don't want to go back on my word.
Yesterday, I barely ate anything, and I know that not having an appetite is a poor excuse. I know what I need to be doing, but right now I have zero motivation to do it. The weight is coming off, and to tell you the truth, that thrills me. The eating disorder itself is a type of addiction. Once I get into this pattern, I find it so difficult to stop. The voice of my eating disorder is so loud right now, and I find it hard to ignore. My therapist always asks me why it is so important for me to be thin. The immediate answer is to say that I want to take up as little space as possible. A friend of mine who is also struggling with anorexia said the same thing, that we feel apologetic for our very existence. If I could only disappear, it would be better, and I would be safe. I'm not sure why I feel that way. I do know that I'm loved, and important to so many people. I think that it goes back to my dad not making me feel like I was important, and the rape definitely did a number on my self esteem. I remember thinking after the rape, that I was bad, and that there was something wrong with me. I felt ugly to the very core of my being, and I've walked around with that feeling for most of my life. I do want to recover, but I can't find the will to make it happen. To be free from all of the negativity in my head. The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, smart enough...never enough. To be rid of the numbers, the measuring, the calories, the checking of my bones, to make sure they are still there, and not hiding behind a layer of fat. I'm weary, and yet I continue to forge ahead on this destructive path, strangely feeling that my life depends on it. Lately in therapy, we have been focusing on the alcohol, when I believe that is the least of my problems. I'm drowning in this eating disorder, and because I'm not a walking skeleton at the moment, no one seems to see it. Isn't it interesting that I can say in one sentence that my wish is to disappear, yet I want everyone to see me, and to validate that I'm worth saving. It is all such a dichotomy, and my mind swims in the confusion.
Somewhere inside, I need to find the strength and self worth to save myself.

Surrounded By Love

I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around. He never once asked me how I was doing, a week has passed, and he has yet to call me. I'm not really surprised, but it still hurts, and I'm taken aback by the anger. It has come out towards everyone but him, because , as usual, he's not around to even get angry with.
I walked out of my therapy session on Wednesday. We were talking about the AA meetings, and how much I hate them. She insisted that I need more outside support than she could give, and I argued that I don't need group support. I ended up walking out, and then called her and said that I was done with therapy and my nutritionist. We talked later on that night, and worked everything out, but I still feel so much anger, with nowhere to direct it towards. I am finished with AA though. It is just way too religious for me. I'm really private with my faith, and feel like it is a very personal relationship that I don't want to share with others. Tomorrow I am going to a different addiction support group called SOS, or Secular Organizations for Sobriety. It " maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." I hope that I will feel more comfortable in these meetings, even though I'm still not convinced that I need group support.
I'm doing horrible when it comes to food and the eating disorder. I'm continuing to lose weight, which is very triggering in and of itself. I'm actually hanging on to the E.D. for dear life at the moment. The less I eat, the less appetite I have. My hunger cues are non existent. Today I have managed to drink some orange juice, and only because I was light headed. Food just doesn't feel safe. I'm overwhelmed with feelings, and without the eating disorder to help reign them in, I don't know where I would be. Thanksgiving is going to be hard. It is too much food to even contemplate! I miss my mom and my step dad, and I'm looking forward to their visit during the Christmas holiday's. I need to feel surrounded by love.