Here and Now

  Artwork by~ Celia Basto Traitor She became like the desert, As We let hands wander over  The landscapes of Her body Allowing Always allowing  Belonging to nothing Sandpaper skin The filth of fingerprints Everywhere...                                                                                                                            ...

Artwork by~ Kenneth Jackson; Digital, 2013, Photography "Wild" Nothing To Give The day before had been a spring teaser of streaming sunlight and had it not been for the cool shadows, and faint, lingering smell of snow, March would have seemed a distant memory My cold fingers, hidden beneath gloves, twitched in agitation I wanted to throw open the door of every stall but they were not mine to set free and how many times would I have to apologize for something that was not mine Shrinking into my coat, I suddenly felt inadequate and afraid I wished for your voice...   All that I had to do was reach out and touch The first horse ducked his head away from me so I dropped my arm limply back to my side feeling the back of my throat constricting. I continued to smile and make conversation but I hated myself at that moment for every failure and the hate moved me forward to the next stall I was only alive while feeling t...

Artwork by~ Carmine Monzo; Drawing, "Breaking Point". Pastel, charcoal.   This morning I came to my blog because I knew that I needed to write, but my mind is jumpy, so I will apologize early on if this post leads nowhere. I'm going to make bullet points, and try to make some sense of it all.   I criticize myself for the intensity of my feelings. I feel like my heart breaks too easily. I have a shaky sense of self worth, and as much as I'm trying to change this, it is easily shattered. PTSD sucks...I was triggered by something that I cannot talk about here, but managing the symptoms is exhausting. When I don't sleep, hopeless feelings begin to take over. I feel guilty for any happiness that comes my way. This is all I can write for now.

A picture taken during teacher's training. I'm on the front mat in Bound Half Moon pose.(Ardha Chapasana)      Last weekend was the third weekend of teacher's training. I loved every second, but I find myself stressing over making mistakes, and on Sunday, I had to have a talk with myself, because I cannot continue to beat myself up over every little mistake I make. I'm still learning the language of yoga, so expecting myself to already know how to get things out of my mouth in a smooth way is asking too much. After that conversation with myself, I felt better, and I will keep on practicing. I turned in my application to be a facilitator for the Eat, Breathe, Thrive program, and was accepted, so I will either have to wait until I'm certified, or find a certified yoga instructor to be my co-facilitator. I'm so excited to get the program started though, that I hate to wait until December. I will think about it this week while I'm on spring break. I c...

Metta (Loving Kindness) How do I do this? Navigating through the heat Rising from my toes Deep inside the drum beat rhythm Beyond the pulse of fingertips Spread like brilliant rays Bring me the sun I say... Over and over But you are already blinding light Blurred with the ocean Stinging eyes Salt water tears You laugh, You cry, You love Yes, Love... Angela Minard 2014© With gratitude... Darling Yoga~2014

  Photograph by~ Shannon Hudson Photography I'm getting ready for another weekend of yoga teacher's training, and I'm feeling a bit frenzied, as if I cannot take in enough information fast enough. I have stacks of yoga books everywhere, and I don't remember ever being this excited to learn. The Yoga For Eating Disorders training that I did last weekend made it clear to me that this is what I'm meant to be doing right now. I'm feeling solid in my recovery, and have such a passion to share what I'm learning. After so much of my life spent trying to contain myself within small parameters, this feeling of expansiveness seems somewhat strange and tremulous, but also quite magical. It is an amazing feeling to finally be coming home to myself.

My Heart All of the times you would look at me softly and say, "You look like you want to tell me something..." The words throbbing in my ears, warm, and waiting, like the whisper of feathers floating through the summer wind. My wanting arose within; fierce and greedy "Could you sit closer, please?" touching my wounds without wincing never once looking away Sometimes the silence was louder than anything else in the room louder than the ticking clock louder than both of our heartbeats put together Oh, how I want... "Take a breath," you would gently remind me Week after week Year after year Breath after breath Until I could no longer hold my love inside "Take a breath," expanding beyond the cage of my ribs My heart floating through the summer wind  wild and free...   Angela Minard 2014©

I'm home from The Yoga For Eating Disorders teacher's training in Denver, and looking forward to facilitating an Eat, Breathe, Thrive group here in Kansas City. I met some amazing people, and it was an experience that I will never forget. I'm still processing the weekend, but will post more soon!

  Yellow Bird I dreamt of you Vibrant canary Trapped in a shallow bathroom sink Your brilliant feathers damp and heavy  with the effort to be free And yet I could not seem to help I asked many people But I was afraid to touch you myself Yellow bird I am sorry... Angela Minard 2014©