Time Is A Wise Teacher

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness. 

Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is still growing. This is not what we were expecting to hear, which brought not only fear, but great disappointment. We have been sitting with this news, both dealing with it in our own ways, as well as beginning to make plans for what this will mean in all of our lives as a family. There are changes and transitions that will have to be made, and it can all become overwhelming if we get too far ahead of ourselves. 

Friday evening, I went to the yoga studio to teach my class, and as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the studio, a wave of peace washed over me. I felt such relief to be able to shift my thoughts to the students in my class, and to simply be present with them. After class, I went to Satsang, which is offered by the owner of the studio. Satsang is an evening that focuses on chanting mantras, healing mudras, and sharing community. The evening was focused on moving energy, manifesting our intentions, and most importantly, finding joy. I could feel the shift within myself as the night came to a close, and I realized the next day what it was that had changed. It wasn't the situation that had changed, but the way in which I chose to look at the situation.  I could allow myself to continue to be paralyzed by my fears of the unknown, creating self destruction through harmful behaviors, or I could choose to see the joy and beauty right in front of me in this very moment. My husband is alive, we have this time together, and it would be wrong not to take advantage of this gift. I am living my dream of teaching yoga, and working with the eating disorder community to help others to heal. I have to trust this journey and the path that I am on, even through doubt and fear. 
Time is such a wise teacher.

Artwork by~ Cassandra Barney

Stealing Life

As the date moves closer for the launch of the Eat Breathe Thrive series, I'm more aware than ever of being a positive role model for the eating disorder community, but I will tell you that the yoga community is filled with disordered eating and obsessions with health and fitness. I listen to it every day, and it brings back memories of starving and obsessing over every bite. It breaks my heart. I need to figure out how not to be buried by the sadness. When people start talking about their diets and cleanses, my mind shuts down, mainly to protect myself. I can never go on a cleanse, or restrict in any way because for me that will be a descent back into a hell I never want to return to. I posted about my frustrations on facebook, which maybe wasn't the wisest decision, because it upsets people, but then again, I think that eating disorders are often about secrets, silence, and shame. 

My voice is important...

These conversations are important...

Just because I'm leading a series to help people overcome food and body image issues doesn't mean that I'm 100% confidant with my body. There are still many days of struggle and learning to accept the body that I have now, but I know that I don't ever want to go back to the darkness of anorexia. I have some things to figure out, because I'm not perfect, and not everyone is going to like what I have to say. That is a tough one for me, because unfortunately, I do care about what people think. I let it take up way too much space and importance in my life, and that is something I will be working on. 

I am grateful to be here working on it though, 

because I almost allowed an eating disorder to steal my life. 

Eating disorders steal lives. 

Don't let it steal yours.

I Think About...

I think about how I made my way to a yoga studio, and it had nothing to do with making friends or being connected, although that is one of the best things to come out of discovering yoga. I'm not even sure what I was looking for...a way to lose weight without drawing attention to my treatment team that I was trying to find yet another way to abuse my body. I won't lie...I abused yoga in the beginning...I made my way to sometimes three classes a day in an attempt to exercise in a less strenuous and controlled manner, while also restricting my food intake. It didn't take long for me to figure out that my former gymnasts body was still flexible, but not very strong, and the osteoporosis from anorexia was not helping anything. I wanted to be good at yoga, like everything else, but strength played an important role, and starving myself would not get me very far. I practiced during every free moment, also listening to the advice of my teachers. I wanted to be thin, but I also wanted to be strong, and the two together did not make sense in my body. Sometimes I still want a strangers thin, strong body...a body without an ounce of fat, defined muscles, perfect alignment, but that person doesn't exist, at least not for long, in my human form. We are constantly changing, and the female body especially goes through many transformations. Society has convinced us that we should move through it all like movie stars, forgetting that most of us do not have personal trainers and make up artists to get us through our days. I still don't feel great about the body I see in the mirror, but practicing yoga has been the one thing that manages to help me appreciate what my body can do.
I'm a woman, made of flesh, muscle, blood, and bone. 
My body flows through sun salutations, days of soreness, sorrow, laughter, and here I continue to stand, with all of my imperfections. I'm tired of hating my body, and I still haven't quite figured out how to love it, but I will continue to try.
 

Photograhy by~Jackie Heyen

Step Away From The Computer

 

Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain

Non hodgkins lymphoma

 

Here is a tip from me to you~ Never Google all of your health symptoms to find a diagnosis that fits. It will scare the living shit out of you! This is so crazy! I dislike going to see doctors, and avoid them as much as possible. I have a very high tolerance for pain... 4 natural childbirths/no drugs/no screaming or crying. I've had kidney stones and didn't shed a tear, although it did hurt like hell. In the last few months, I've been in and out of the doctors office. It was last April to be exact. I went in for a regular check up, and some minor complaints. I was having severe night sweats which I was chalking up to menopause. My hormone levels came back fine, so that wasn't the cause. My white blood cell count was high, but I was recovering from a bladder infection. Everything else was fine, so there wasn't a follow up. Around the same time I also began to have random hip pain. It would come and go, but by late summer it was bothering me enough to go have it checked out. The diagnosis was a possible stress fracture, and to take it easy. I also have osteoporosis from my years of anorexia. I babied the hip, and it seemed fine with only some occasional soreness. I continued to practice yoga daily, and tried to ignore any minor discomfort. A few days before Thanksgiving I came down with a sore throat and an itchy rash that started on my chest and spread to my back, arms, and legs. I also developed a cough, but never went to the doctor because I just figured it would work itself out. The rash went away, but the horrible itching never subsided. I went back into the doctor for the itching around the 1st of January. He took blood, and again, I have a high white blood cell count. He gave me an oral prescription, which didn't help, and a prescription for a lotion that the pharmacy had never heard of. I then decided to change my diet and remove gluten and dairy. Now it is mid January and the hip pain returns, worse than ever. Now I can barely walk, and actually cried in the doctors office because the pain was so bad. No one is giving me answers. I'm itching like crazy, I have night sweats and hip pain. I went in for an MRI on my hip today. The orthopedic doctor says it may be necrosis of the bone, which means that the bone in my hip is dying. He doesn't know about my others symptoms though, because I've seen so many different doctors at this point. Google says that I may have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I need to step away from the computer!

Isn't It Ironic

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't have anymore sick days left at work and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my job. I can't work with kids like this, and I'm also afraid that I'm going to have permanent limitations that would make me unable to do my job. It is so ironic that today is the first day of the yoga teachers training that I had wanted to sign up for this year. I guess it is a good thing that it didn't work out, but it is taking my mind to a dark and negative place because I fear now that it will never happen. I found something good, and I don't deserve to have it. I purposely haven't written here in awhile because I have never wanted to be one of those people who talks about their aches and pains constantly, and that has been what my last couple of posts have been about. I've been so proactive about taking care of my health. I stopped eating gluten and dairy which seems to have helped with the itching, and I got off of all of my medications months ago. My therapist was not thrilled when I told her that I had discontinued the anti-depressants, but I have been fine without them. I'm down about the state of my physical health, but who wouldn't be? She is also worried that limiting what I eat is going to cause a relapse, but I'm being so careful. Life is full of irony for me right now. I'm finally taking care of my body, but maybe it is too late.

A Foreign Feeling

This is day four of following the new meal plan, and all is well. I'm used to drinking a Boost in the afternoon, but I went to the store and bought some lunch choices to replace it, and I'm having the Boost in the morning for breakfast. Ingesting calories in the morning is hard for me, because I've never been a breakfast eater, and it took a lot for me to get through lunch because in my head I already knew that I had 240 calories. The calories add up in my head, and I get a bit freaked out by that, but I did it. I make it through dinner because I know that I can work out afterward, and that helps a lot.
I feel so motivated to do this, and it feels foreign for me to be taking such good care of myself, but for once, it doesn't feel wrong. I truly believe that I deserve to be happy and healthy. This is not about what my body looks like anymore, but about how I feel on the inside about myself. Starving never really did achieve what I wanted it to. What I always really wanted was to just disappear so that I wouldn't have to hurt so much. I was slowly killing myself, and at the time, that was fine for me, because I didn't believe that I was worth saving. I'm gaining self worth, and I've never felt so alive and joyful before. It feels strange, but so very wonderful, and there is nothing I want more than to hang onto this feeling.

Moment By Moment

I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe that I can control the weight loss at a certain point. I think that most of the problem is that I've damaged my metabolism to the point where I only need the minimum amount of calories to function. When I try to eat what is the normal amount of calories for someone my age and size, I maintain a weight that feels uncomfortable and unattractive for me to be happy with. My nutritionist may not agree with this, but that is the conclusion that I have come to, whether it is accurate or not. Anyway, that is the choice that fits at this moment, so that is the one that I'm going with for today. I do want to thank everyone who has been commenting. Your advice and concern mean a lot to me. The blogging world is filled with many kind and wonderful people, and I appreciate all of you who take the time to let me know that you care. Oh, and by the way, this is my 501st post on this blog, and over 100 of those have been poetry, so while you are here, feel free to check out some of my poems:)

Beating Ana~ A Book Review

I was contacted on Facebook recently by Shannon Cutts, who is the author of a new eating disorder recovery book called Beating Ana~How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder & Take Back Your Life. She had found my blog, and wanted to send me a copy of her book to review here. She also sent me another copy to give away, so let me know if you would like a copy, and I will do a drawing next week.
I ended up reading this book in a single sitting. It is truly an inspirational book filled with life stories, and more importantly, life lessons that I think anyone could apply to their own lives, whether you are suffering from an eating disorder or not. Shannon stresses the importance of having a mentor during the recovery process. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy, shame, and isolation, and through connecting with a mentor, who is a wise and trusted counselor or teacher, the sufferer can re-learn how to reach out to the world and once again become a part of life. A recurring saying throughout the book is, "Relationships replace eating disorders," and I find that to be so true. It wasn't until I was able to ask for help and admit that I had a problem, that I could really begin the grueling process of recovery. My favorite parts of the book are when Shannon shares what she calls Life Celebration Affirmations, which are the conclusions to each chapter. She also shares the stories of five courageous women who are in the process of recovery. Through many of their questions posed to Shannon, the reader can learn how to deal with many of the problems and snags that can trip up the person in recovery. It is wonderful to read a book written by someone who has literally walked in your shoes and found some of the important keys to recovery. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with addiction. It does closely follow the model of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is based on a twelve step process of recovery, and also stresses the importance of what they call sponsors to assist and be a role model. Beating Ana is a wonderful book, and I'm so glad that there is someone out there like Shannon to share their wisdom and encouragement with others. As Shannon says in her book, "No matter who it is, you must have someone you can talk to while you work toward healing and recovery, or you will not heal ". Reach out and get help!

Shannon Cutts is the founder of MentorConnect, a community where mentors and mentees can connect to experience the power of mentoring, and Key to life: unlocking the door to hope, an organization that offers events, workshops, concerts, and products and services to facilitate recovery from eating and related disorders. You can contact the author about both organizations here at Key to Life.

P. S. Don't forget to comment and win your own copy of Beating Ana!

Out Of The Shadows

Last night we had Dave's family over for dinner so that they could see all of the work that my mom and I did to the house. It was a very nice evening. This morning we are all up early, and just said goodbye to my mom, who is driving back to Florida for the next two days. It is going to be strange without her, after a month of her being here to whip us all into shape. I'm sure that I will feel a bit lost for a few days.

I plan on starting my yoga classes. Now that I'm eating healthy, I also want to do something else that is good for my body. I haven't been on the treadmill or exercised at all while my mom was here, except for all of the painting that we did! It is time to start treating my body right with food and exercise. I hear Claudia's voice in the distance, and I know that I have to be careful not to become obsessed with exercising, because that is also a tendency of mine, but I think that I am strong enough to control it now. It is important for me to recognize the pitfalls of the eating disorder, so that I can avoid them along the way. I limit myself to only 30 minutes on the treadmill, because I used to stay on for hours, and become obsessed by the numbers of carbs and calories that I was burning. I feel strong enough to be able to do this in a healthy way, without becoming triggered. One thing that I realize that I can't do right now or maybe ever, is look at magazines. My mom and I bought a couple of rag mags yesterday, and they are very triggering. I compare myself to all of the celebrities, and just end up feeling bad about myself. I'm not going to do that to myself anymore, so, in the trash they will go. I refuse to live my life in the shadow of others.
Well, that's all for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday. Take care!

"Insist on yourself; never imitate".
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Seeing Through Different Eyes

Today I am feeling more positive and hopeful. I had a really awesome breakthrough session in therapy yesterday. I had been thinking lately about how good I always felt about myself when I was pregnant. It is the only time that I didn't have dissociative episodes during sex.(sorry so personal, but I don't like to sensor my thoughts) I felt so good about my body and could appreciate all of the changes that were taking place. I took such good care of myself. I gave up caffeine, alcohol, anything that was even remotely unhealthy. I brought this up in therapy yesterday, and my therapist thought that it was very interesting, and came up with a few different ideas as to what that might mean. She came up with some insights that had never even crossed my mind, so I'm definitely going to be exploring those in my mind. I will let you know what I come up with. I also received a wonderful reply from my friend Theresa today on my previous blog post that really made me see through different eyes. Thanks Theresa!
I am off work today. I'm going to the boys school conferences to see how they are doing academically. There may be some grounding going on, but I hope not:) The sun is shining today, unlike the rain and clouds of yesterday. Thankfully, the sun always returns!